It Gets Bettter
What do you know, I remembered to make a post separate to personal angsting :P
There has been a lot of publicity recently around the number of reported queer teen suicides in a short period of time in the US. I say reported because this is nothing new. What is new is a whole lot of wake up calls around the world. My big wake up call was the suicide of a very young (pre-teen) boy in the US a few years back because of homophobic bullying. I went on to have a much bigger wake up call when I began to research and realised that this boy was one of millions. We are right to be horrified by the number of young people who have committed suicide in the last few months thanks to homophobic abuse, but we need to be more horrified - more horrified by the fact that these are only the ones reported, and only the ones reported as being a result of abuse, and only the ones not brushed under the rug before they could have the chance of being reported.
The It Gets Better Project is a response to this ongoing tragedy. I imagine most of the few people reading the current incarnation of this blog have heard of the project, but if not, go here - http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject - or here - www.itgetsbetterproject.com - and explore, preferably with a box of tissues handy.
I'm recording a video for the project, and if you'd like to read what I have to say, it's under the cut below :)
I'm currently working on a presentation for a pre-service teacher conference at my university on sexuality in schools and why 'ignoring it' is not enough. I've been researching the experiences and challenges of queer or questioning students in schools for four years now, and there are so, so many stories, both of hope and of despair, that I would love to share with people (as my fellow members of the UQ School of Education will attest, having sat through a lot of them :P).
I don't think anyone reading here needs those stories though, and if anyone does have use for them or anything else to do with this area of research, I am very very pleased to be asked for more info.
What does need to go here is one very important message:
It gets better.
I have read thousands of testimonials and interview transcripts from people who lived through the misery of a schooling where they didn't feel they belonged, whether because of explicit abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, etc) or because of the fear of abuse, or because the system or the culture or the community around them made them feel like their kind of different was wrong. I had that experience, not so much because of my sexuality, but for other reasons, definitely.
I have also read hundreds of testimonials and interview transcripts from the families and friends of those who didn't quite make it through that misery--who chose to end their own lives (or engage in dangerous escapist pursuits that ended their lives) rather than suffer another day. And I have the experience both of being that person left behind, and of coming very close to making that choice.
There is one big difference between the two sets of accounts, of experiences, and that difference it what comes after.
Because if you hold on--if you endure--if you choose not to make that choice--then it will get better.
As a teacher, I know a fair few students who've suffered for being different, and as a member of online fandom, I know a whole lot of LJ folks who've suffered more because they live in countries or in cities or in communities where it isn't safe to be 'out of the closet'. I know that despite the changes taking place in the world, it is as hard today to be 'different' in school as it was when I was there (not that long ago). I also know, though, that in my part of the world and many others, it's *not* as hard as it was a decade ago, or a decade before that. Life is better now than it was, and it will keep getting better with the passage of time. That goes for those parts of the world that have not yet seen substantial change, even though there is a longer way to go.
And it goes for our own lives - they too get better.
Once upon a time I was a primary school student struggling with being different and struggling with what was not yet diagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from child abuse, and school was hell.
Once upon a time I was a high school student struggling with being different and struggling with a range of anxiety disorders that received at least ten different diagnoses in those five years and struggling with questions about my sexuality and struggling to find a reason to keep on living. A lot of the time I couldn't find a reason, and those were the times when I made attempts on my life, or drank too much, or overdosed on prescription drugs, or inflicted physical harm on my own body.
Once upon a time I was a first year university student struggling with being different and struggling with realising my sexuality and struggling with trying to come out of that high school struggle, and for all the change of leaving school, life *still* didn't feel like it was getting better, and that can be so so hard.
But the thing is, it did.
It did get better.
As of three Tuesdays ago, I'm 22 years old, and things are better.
Don't take that the wrong way - things aren't perfect. Homophobia still exists, and while I'm lucky to live in a relatively liberal community, I still encounter prejudice--I've been told in the last week that my sexual preferences are 'wrong'. I still suffer as a result of the abuse I experienced as a child--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something for which I am finally being properly treated, after all these years. I'm still different in a whole lot of seemingly less dramatic but no less important ways, and sometimes that's still hard. I still get scared, and I still get miserable, and there are still times when people are rubbish.
But.
It's a whole lot easier to be bisexual than it has been at any previous point in my life, and on the far less frequent occasions that I encounter homophobia, it's far easier to deal with because of the support networks I've developed.
It's a whole lot easier to cope with my PTSD than it has been at any previous point in my life, and on the *far* less frequent occasions that it's a problem for me, the years and a whole lot of effort have made me better and better at getting through it more and more quickly.
It's a whole lot easier to be different than it has been at any previous point in my life, and best of all - it's a whole lot easier to *enjoy* being different. I have friends now who are like me, and who are different to me, and who accept me, and who love me, and those people make the other people - the rubbish people - matter a whole lot less.
Once upon a time, I couldn't imagine a future where life wasn't a slow, painful procession of opportunities to suffer.
Today, there is no choice in my life of which I am more glad than every decision to keep on living.
That's a decision you can make too--a decision that we can all make. You might not be glad of it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next--you might not be glad of it next year. But one day, when life has taken a turn for the better and you're surrounded by all the things that you have to live for, then, I promise, you will be glad that you held on.
It's horrible that some people have to suffer abuse for who they are, it's unjust, and you shouldn't have to endure it. But you can. When it feels like you can't, however hard it is, there are millions of people all over the world thinking of you, and thinking three really important things - we love you, we believe in you, and we promise -
it gets better.
Hold on to that.
And one day, you'll be able to promise it too.
There has been a lot of publicity recently around the number of reported queer teen suicides in a short period of time in the US. I say reported because this is nothing new. What is new is a whole lot of wake up calls around the world. My big wake up call was the suicide of a very young (pre-teen) boy in the US a few years back because of homophobic bullying. I went on to have a much bigger wake up call when I began to research and realised that this boy was one of millions. We are right to be horrified by the number of young people who have committed suicide in the last few months thanks to homophobic abuse, but we need to be more horrified - more horrified by the fact that these are only the ones reported, and only the ones reported as being a result of abuse, and only the ones not brushed under the rug before they could have the chance of being reported.
The It Gets Better Project is a response to this ongoing tragedy. I imagine most of the few people reading the current incarnation of this blog have heard of the project, but if not, go here - http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject - or here - www.itgetsbetterproject.com - and explore, preferably with a box of tissues handy.
I'm recording a video for the project, and if you'd like to read what I have to say, it's under the cut below :)
I'm currently working on a presentation for a pre-service teacher conference at my university on sexuality in schools and why 'ignoring it' is not enough. I've been researching the experiences and challenges of queer or questioning students in schools for four years now, and there are so, so many stories, both of hope and of despair, that I would love to share with people (as my fellow members of the UQ School of Education will attest, having sat through a lot of them :P).
I don't think anyone reading here needs those stories though, and if anyone does have use for them or anything else to do with this area of research, I am very very pleased to be asked for more info.
What does need to go here is one very important message:
It gets better.
I have read thousands of testimonials and interview transcripts from people who lived through the misery of a schooling where they didn't feel they belonged, whether because of explicit abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, etc) or because of the fear of abuse, or because the system or the culture or the community around them made them feel like their kind of different was wrong. I had that experience, not so much because of my sexuality, but for other reasons, definitely.
I have also read hundreds of testimonials and interview transcripts from the families and friends of those who didn't quite make it through that misery--who chose to end their own lives (or engage in dangerous escapist pursuits that ended their lives) rather than suffer another day. And I have the experience both of being that person left behind, and of coming very close to making that choice.
There is one big difference between the two sets of accounts, of experiences, and that difference it what comes after.
Because if you hold on--if you endure--if you choose not to make that choice--then it will get better.
As a teacher, I know a fair few students who've suffered for being different, and as a member of online fandom, I know a whole lot of LJ folks who've suffered more because they live in countries or in cities or in communities where it isn't safe to be 'out of the closet'. I know that despite the changes taking place in the world, it is as hard today to be 'different' in school as it was when I was there (not that long ago). I also know, though, that in my part of the world and many others, it's *not* as hard as it was a decade ago, or a decade before that. Life is better now than it was, and it will keep getting better with the passage of time. That goes for those parts of the world that have not yet seen substantial change, even though there is a longer way to go.
And it goes for our own lives - they too get better.
Once upon a time I was a primary school student struggling with being different and struggling with what was not yet diagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from child abuse, and school was hell.
Once upon a time I was a high school student struggling with being different and struggling with a range of anxiety disorders that received at least ten different diagnoses in those five years and struggling with questions about my sexuality and struggling to find a reason to keep on living. A lot of the time I couldn't find a reason, and those were the times when I made attempts on my life, or drank too much, or overdosed on prescription drugs, or inflicted physical harm on my own body.
Once upon a time I was a first year university student struggling with being different and struggling with realising my sexuality and struggling with trying to come out of that high school struggle, and for all the change of leaving school, life *still* didn't feel like it was getting better, and that can be so so hard.
But the thing is, it did.
It did get better.
As of three Tuesdays ago, I'm 22 years old, and things are better.
Don't take that the wrong way - things aren't perfect. Homophobia still exists, and while I'm lucky to live in a relatively liberal community, I still encounter prejudice--I've been told in the last week that my sexual preferences are 'wrong'. I still suffer as a result of the abuse I experienced as a child--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something for which I am finally being properly treated, after all these years. I'm still different in a whole lot of seemingly less dramatic but no less important ways, and sometimes that's still hard. I still get scared, and I still get miserable, and there are still times when people are rubbish.
But.
It's a whole lot easier to be bisexual than it has been at any previous point in my life, and on the far less frequent occasions that I encounter homophobia, it's far easier to deal with because of the support networks I've developed.
It's a whole lot easier to cope with my PTSD than it has been at any previous point in my life, and on the *far* less frequent occasions that it's a problem for me, the years and a whole lot of effort have made me better and better at getting through it more and more quickly.
It's a whole lot easier to be different than it has been at any previous point in my life, and best of all - it's a whole lot easier to *enjoy* being different. I have friends now who are like me, and who are different to me, and who accept me, and who love me, and those people make the other people - the rubbish people - matter a whole lot less.
Once upon a time, I couldn't imagine a future where life wasn't a slow, painful procession of opportunities to suffer.
Today, there is no choice in my life of which I am more glad than every decision to keep on living.
That's a decision you can make too--a decision that we can all make. You might not be glad of it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next--you might not be glad of it next year. But one day, when life has taken a turn for the better and you're surrounded by all the things that you have to live for, then, I promise, you will be glad that you held on.
It's horrible that some people have to suffer abuse for who they are, it's unjust, and you shouldn't have to endure it. But you can. When it feels like you can't, however hard it is, there are millions of people all over the world thinking of you, and thinking three really important things - we love you, we believe in you, and we promise -
it gets better.
Hold on to that.
And one day, you'll be able to promise it too.