Journal Entry 10
Wow, journal Entry number 10, I can’t believe I have kept it up this long, and I can’t believe you guys have been actually caring about my entries. Well it’s fitting that this is journal entry 10, because I am about to bare my soul. I am in a depressed mood and need to let pour my heart out.
This Journal has never been about being a sob story; I think you guys know that. This is just for me to get some things off my chest I have nowhere else to get them off.
So I guess I will start with family drama before I get into my own woes. So my oldest brother stopped by yesterday for Father’s Day, which is normal, he was acting weird though. I am starting to think that his psychiatrist has him on the wrong kind of medications. He wasn’t a dick to me or anything; he was just acting like he was on drugs. I know he isn’t back on heavy real drugs, and that they are prescription drugs. But he was just being weird. I hope that gets all straightened out.
So today I took my mom to work at five in the morning, since the car is still in the shop. When I got back home I noticed that my “Uncrustables” were out of the freezer. You guys know, those premade peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that you just thaw out. Yea I know that it’s lazy not to just make your own. But anyway, they were left out of the freezer and all warm and nasty so I had to throw them away. Just this morning I made sure my brother was awake, and then I called him over the intercom. I was really calm and nice and I said “Did you leave my peanut butter and jelly snacks out of the freezer.” And he was like “I don’t know, why is it a big deal?” and I replied “It really isn’t, They are just supposed to stay frozen until you eat them.” Then he got all pissed off like. “Well you better eat them” and I said “They were all warm and gross at five this morning. It’s not a big deal I just….’ Then he fucking hangs up on me! And that is his biggest pet peeve! Like if I hang up on him, or if anyone hangs up on him, he gets PISSED. One time I hung up on him because he was being an asshole, and he came all the way back home just to get in my face and be “tough”. I honestly wasn’t being a jerk or pissed at all over these things. I just wanted to make sure he is more careful since he always leaves shit out of the freezer and ruins our food. Anyway we were supposed to hang out and eat lunch and play Street Fighter today, but that’s called off I am assuming. Do you guys think I was out of line?
I guess I will talk about what’s going on with me, seeing as how it’s my journal and all. I really need some advice. I am torn between two paths right now. I can either go to a big university in January or leave home. Or I can stay at the community college I am at now for another year, get my AA and then get a better chance at getting into different universities next year. But then I would have to stay at home for another year with my family. I don’t know if I have the strength to get through another year of this. But what if I stay at the community college another year and then I still don’t even get into any different school than the one I could go to in January? So I am torn on what I want to do. Plus it would be easier if I had my AA when I got into the big university. No one will give me advice, they all say its something I need to figure out for myself.
I went out with my ex girlfriend the other night, we went to the Applebee’s bar. They didn’t believe I was 21 even though I had my ID. I know I look young but gosh, I didn’t even order booze, I ordered lemonade, so the whole problem was me being in the bar. Then we got to my house and she made fun of my J-Pad and Kris Allen PS3 desktop layout. That kind of hurt my feelings. I am still pissed about that, what a bitch. I don’t even know why I hang out with her. It’s like I was in love with her for most of my life, and I am over her. So why do I still hang out with her? She is nice and still a big part of my life. But why make fun of me? That hurt my feelings, especially since she is the only person in my real life that I told I found Jared hot, and she was all supportive and told me she has her girl crushes. So whatever, maybe I am being overly sensitive. I changed my Playstation desktop though.
Speaking of which, I normally don’t like to talk about this too much, because I don’t want to be one of those people who talk all the time about it, plus it’s kind of personal. But you all know who read my journal that I am a dude who likes girls and also is into dudes. I mean I am really getting kind of confused about that right now. I am more attracted to girls in an overall sense. There are WAY more girls that I am attracted to. Jared Padalecki and Kris Allen are really the only two guys I would ever totally have sex with, Jared Padalecki especially. But the thing that confuses me is that, to me Jared is the hottest person ever. Even though I find more girls attractive, the guys I find attractive I find more attractive than girls. Does that make sense? Like Jared Padalecki is the hottest person ever, if I could have sex with anyone it would be him, over any girl. Kris Allen is my second man crush, there might be a couple of girls I would rather have sex with over him, but he would still beat out 98 percent of the female population. So what does that make me? I mean, I am cool with myself. I have come to terms that I am into dudes so that is all cool. I mean I am not shouting it from the rooftops, and I probably never will. But when I think about myself getting married and stuff, it’s with a girl. I can’t picture myself not getting married to a girl. All I know is, if I do get together with a girl, she needs to be ok with me being into dudes. Because my man crush for Jared isn’t going away. For the girls reading this, would you care if your boyfriend was also into dudes? Or would that gross you out?
Anyway, I am just really depressed right now. I always get depressed in the summer time. I wish it was the fall… I want the fall back.
Anyway, I will leave you guys with some pictures of Jared sad since I am sad right now. If you want to leave a comment please do, I will hopefully get back to you. I love hearing what you all think. Remember until my next entry to stay cool.
Fashion