Journal Entry 2
I thought I would post another journal entry before I have to go to school.
So things with my family are crazy, my brother is going through a divorce and it’s really hard for everyone. I have done everything he has asked of me, and I even gave up a bunch of stuff in order to make him feel comfortable and help him through this hard time. But he acts like I am not doing enough, he doesn’t realize that I have done way more than I even need to, yet he still wants more? And I am a dick if I don’t? It’s dumb! Maybe I am being a dick head though? I understand what he is going through and all of that but still. He needs to realize that he’s not the only one going through stuff.
So I ran into my ex girlfriend a couple days ago. I wouldn’t even call her a girlfriend; we just went out a few times. She was a crazy bitch! She started stalking me and it was really creepy. She would call my house all hours and shout my name from the street. It was very creepy. Anyway I was bleeding from my lip when I ran into her (Long story) and she was just acting creepy still. I kind of brushed her off until she got the picture, so it was kind of awkward.
So my mom’s best friend’s daughter, who is the same age as my brother and they grew up together really close, just told my brother that she is Bi. My brother was then kind of making fun of her to me, he wasn’t being mean really, but still he wasn’t being nice. He was poking fun at her for being bi and it just made me feel awkward. That just reinforces I can’t tell anyone. My other brother told me a couple months ago that if I liked dudes he wouldn’t talk to me for months. We were talking about Gay marriage and I was supporting it and he wasn’t really. Then he said “If you liked guys I wouldn’t talk to you for months.” So that sucks. I don’t want to tell my family anyway, why bring it up at this point? If I end up dating a guy I would have to tell them, but I might as well at least wait until I am off at college and not living with them.
I had lunch with a friend I used to work with a couple years ago; I knew she was bi when we worked together. She asked me “how have you been, what’s going on with your life?” So I filled her in on all my schooling and what is going on with my brothers. Then I hesitated but I said “And I decided I’m bi.” And she was like “Good for you!” then she said how she would have never guessed. I told her how I couldn’t put “Bi” on my myspace or anything. She said that I have accepted being bi, but I haven’t embraced it. I told her that I embrace it and I think it’s awesome. But she still said that I wasn’t. She told me I don’t have to tell everyone, especially when it’s not needed. It was good to talk to someone about it, but I think on some level she is right. Why can’t I be myself? At some point I am going to have to forget what other people think.
I have done so much for my family, I had to grow up fast and be the big brother even though I am the youngest. I needed to watch over my brothers when they went through rehab, and I have had many sleepless nights worrying about my parents. I have done everything and more. I have bent over backwards to make my family happy. I have been a push over. I would do all of those things over again though, because they are my family and I love them. But would they be there for me? I don’t know. I still don’t think there is a reason to say anything unless I fall for a dude.
Oh, and something weird, I totally had a sex dream about American Idol contestant Kris Allen, that was the first sex dream I had about a dude that wasn’t Jared. I feel bad, I love Jared (not in a literal creepy way, in a celebrity crush way), and I feel like I fantasy cheated on him LOL. It was weird because Kris isn’t really my type. My type is pretty boys with brown hair and big muscles (As in fantasy crushes, im not shallow in real life LOL); well I guess he has two of the three. Here are a couple pics of Kris Allen.
