Season 1, Episode 8.
Oh perfect. Ferengi.
Fish!
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Picard does not know how to hit on women at all.
Picard: Oh Doctor, I've been feeling so odd as of late.
Beverly: Have you, Jean?
Picard: So fatigued...
Beverly: Yes, go on...
Picard: And I've got this headache...
Beverly: A what?
Picard *suddenly all bitchy and snappish*: Headache, HEADACHE! Surely you know what a headache is!
Beverly: You're gonna know what one is after I slap you.
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Also I'm sure women love it when you vent and bitch and piss and moan over petty-ass things.
Picard: They told me to STAND BY. I mean, who even does that? It's just so RUDE, you know? "Stand by." Like I don't have anything better to do.
Beverly *asleep*
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LOL Beverly's "I'll get you in the sack one day, Picard" look.
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Also Riker cockblocking Beverly. Come on, dude.
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Aw, this Ferengi sounds normal. Lame. And his teeth are still nasty. Woo hoo.
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Fuck you, Troi, cutting off hailing frequencies when Picard wasn't finished.
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Bok (I was really hoping it would be a giant space chicken): Perhaps this will begin a new era of cooperation between our people.
Picard: Not unless you guys get significantly less ugly.
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Ferengi, please go back to being assholes. This peppy Bok guy is creeping me out.
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Picard: Bok did agree pretty easily. In one hour we shall know why.
The space pot Bok smoked to chill out will have worn off before then, so no, you won't.
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Beverly: JEEZ, Picard, don't you know headaches are uncommon? I know everything about the brain!
Picard: So why does my head hurt?
Beverly: IDK.
Picard: Uh huh. How are you CMO again oh that's right I want to do you?
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Beverly just wants to schedule exams for Picard so she can pine while she touches him. And I don't even know what's up with Picard, he's worse than a chick. Hot one moment, cold the next. Too much Shakespeare if you ask me.
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Fucking Wesley marching in like he's in charge and ordering people around.
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LOL stare-off between Riker and Wesley.
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LMAO at Data.
Picard: Wesley, answer the First Officer's question.
Data *sits back and watches because he KNOWS there's gonna be a fight*
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Poor Data.
Data: WAIT HOW WERE YOU BOOSTING IT CAN YOU GIVE ME A BOOST SO MAYBE TASHA WILL COME BACK TO ME
Picard *"Data, be quiet" look*
Data: ...we'll talk.
Data and Wesley are secret friends, maybe? Picard hates Wesley so Data probably doesn't want to be seen with Wes but he's still like, "Space Jenga. 1400 hours. BE THERE."
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Wesley: I was playing around in Engineering.
FUCKING SPACE JENGA NEVER LETTING ANY OF THE ENGINEERS GET ANY WORK DONE
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Picard *stops mid-sentence and closes his eyes*
Riker: What's wrong, sir?
It's something called old.
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Picard: You could have just radioed the Bridge. There was no reason to deliver the news in person.
If Wesley hasn't gotten Riker's approval in person he would have died. DIED ALONE
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Ew, look at the Ferengi eyeing the Bridge for things to steal like Wesley's virginity oh wait Riker probably took care of that already DOHOHOHOHOHO.
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Ferengi (about Troi): Clothed females?
Riker: Oh, that one's been unclothed several times. By me.
Tasha and Riker *high-five over Troi's head*
Troi: I'M RIGHT HERE
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LMFAO Data's recoil from the Ferengi.
Ferengi: And here's the android we've heard so much about.
Data: Your teeth are going to pop out of your head any minute now, and I'm not going to clean it up.
Picard: No, that's Wesley's job.
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RIKER, you douche.
Riker: Data's secondhand merchandise, you wouldn't want him.
Data: You're used merchandise as well!
Riker: Yeah, but everyone wants me.
Data *slowly crushing his workstation into a ball to keep from crying*: AT LEAST I DON'T CHEAPEN MYSELF
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OH DATA <3
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Data: I think he's talking about this unidentified starship--
Bok: UNIDENTIFIED?
Data: DID I STUTTER, DRIED APRICOT EARS?
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LOL Data making things worse.
Bok: Well, it was probably a mistake.
Data: Noooo, you guys definitely fired on Picard first.
Bok: YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE
Data: BITCH I KNOW EVERYTHING
Riker: EXCEPT HOW TO KEEP A WOMAN
YOU HAD TO GO THERE, RIKER
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I thought Picard suddenly fell asleep mid-conversation with the Ferengi. Guess it's just that Phantom Headache again.
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TROI NO I CAN SENSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS
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Hmm. That free starship is probably a trap. I bet they put space aspirin inside, too, so Picard won't be able to resist.
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Great, the Captain's tripping balls again.
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Also I think I might ship Beverly/Troi. Maybe. I tried to list TNG pairings I like but I don't think I'd actually read any fanfiction unless it had Barclay in it. :3
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Beverly: There's nothing burning, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Oh, but there is. My heart. For you.
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FUCK IT'S ALZHEIMER'S ABANDON SHIP
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Data: You did the "Picard Manuever".
What's that, running away?
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Aww, Riker's adoring "CAPTAIN YOU'RE MY IDOL" look at Picard.
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AWW RIKER ALL FANBOYING OVER PICARD SO CUTE
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Beverly: And after I have another look at you, Captain.
Picard: Maybe I don't want another look at you, ever think of that?
Beverly *"DO NOT MESS WITH ME JEAN" look*
Picard: I...I'm sorry. I'll be there immediately.
Data: MAN HOW YOU EVER GONNA GET RESPECT IF YOU LET THE LADIES WALK ALL OVER YOU
Tasha: Data, be quiet.
Data (meekly): Ok.
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Look like Data "turned on" the ship. HUR HUR
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Aw, geeky Geordi.
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Data, just touch everything why don't you. He's probably reading through all Picard's diary entries, too.
"Oh my GOD, he should just write a sad poem about Beverly and MOVE ON."
Everyone *staring at Data*
Data: Crap, did I say that out loud?
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THE FUCK IS THAT
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FUCKIN' FERENGI WITH THEIR...headache machine? What? That is really dumb. It better be something serious like the machine will make Picard's head explode unless Wesley the crew finds a way to save him.
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Riker: I thought Ferengi always made a profit.
Ferengi *shadiest growl ever*
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Riker *all intense and not blinking and sounding awed*: How was it, Captain? Did you weep tears of ectasy over all the awesome battles of the past when you were inside?
Picard: No, I just wept regular tears because I got another headache.
Riker (disappointed): Oh. That's LAME cool too, I guess.
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EW THE SKIN ON PICARD'S HEAD IS ALL WRINKLED WHEN HE LAID DOWN FOR A NAP
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Data: Picard's personal log has quite a different story than the official record.
Riker *trying not to hear the sound of his admiration for Picard shattering into tiny little pieces*: What...what are you saying?
Data: I'm saying the Captain is a LIAR! I HOPE IT HURTS YOU BAAAAAD
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Data is just loving being able to stomp all over Riker's precious ideas about Picard.
Data: HE BLEW IT UP FOR NO REASON
Riker: No, NO, I WON'T BELIEVE IT! It was self-defense!
Data: Picard blew the ship up during a truce!
Riker *tears in his eyes*: That...that can't be! What about the fire onboard?
Data *smug*: An accident...in Engineering.
Riker: YOU HAVE ANY PROOF OR DO YOU JUST LIKE SEEING ME CRY
Data: That second one It's logged in his own voice.
BOOM. DEVASTATED RIKER. Well played, Data, well played.
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LOL DATA POURING SALT ON THE WOUND
Riker *staring into the camera all hurt and agonized*
Data: WANNA HEAR IT I HAVE IT MEMORIZED
Riker *sniffling*: Sh-shut up!
Data: Sorry, what? Yes, you would?
Riker: NO!
Data *in Picard's voice*: Dear Diary, I hate Ferengi. Oh look, a Ferengi ship! I'MMA BLOW IT UP
Riker *on the floor in a fetal position crying*
Data you're my favorite TNG character EVER. <3
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LOL Riker in denial.
"YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT, RIGHT CAPTAIN?"
Picard: I dunno.
Riker *glances at doorway*
Data *smugly mouths*: He totally did it.
Riker *fighting back tears*
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Riker: They must have simulated your voice, I put Data to work on it.
Data *in the bar with a crowd of people around him*: HEY EVERYONE GUESS WHO CRIES LIKE A GIRL? RIKER
Everyone *laughs*
Wesley *watching from the shadows and vowing revenge*
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Beverly's probably triggering Picard's headaches so he'll come back to her.
Beverly *staring at a creepy shrine to Picard*: I COUNT THE SECONDS, JEAN. SOME DAY WE WILL BE ONE ALONG WITH MY SON
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LOL Ferengi First Officer being all sassy. I think I like him. He gets so angry he almost spits out his teeth.
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Picard: WHO THE HELL IS IT
Beverly *walks in*
Oh Picard, my man, you are never getting anywhere with her.
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Beverly: You're not resting, captain.
Picard: If you would ease off my balls for two seconds maybe I could!
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LOL emotional Picard. I just can't take him seriously.
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Beverly: Riker told me about the altered log. Also Data posted it online so pretty much everyone knows about it. Hope that's cool.
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UH OH DEMENTIA NOW, TOO
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Beverly is such a mom.
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Um, hoping no one's listening to the noises Picard's making in his sleep. Kind of awkward.
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LOL Riker doing his best not to look at Data as Data just STARES at him.
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Y SO SNAPPY, RIKER? DATA UPSET YOU OR SOMETHING?
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Geordi being a troll. Poor Data doesn't understand.
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Picard is being an asshole to Beverly all through this episode. Actually he's being an asshole to everyone.
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Well, troi, we would know if what Wesley was saying had something to do with Picard if you hadn't interrupted.
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WESLEY GODDAMNIT. DON'T YOU GO BEIN' A HERO, THAT'S DATA'S JOB
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LOLOLOLOL OMFG WESLEY
"You're welcome, ladies." (pause) "Adults."
OMG DYING BEST LINE EVER ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THIS:
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Beverly mentioned Wesley, Riker will believe everything she says now.
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Poor Worf left out of the converation AGAIN.
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YEAH WORF IS GONNA BUST SHIT UP
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Really, Ferengi, waiting 9 years for revenge? Write a sad poem in your log and move on.
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LOL Geordi staring at the headache machine.
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INTERRUPTING TROI AGAIN
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LOL FIRST OFFICER FERENGI ILU
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Oh crazy Picard. I wonder if that's really how it is on the Enterprise and all the fragments of his personality manifest themselves as Data, Geordi, Worf, Riker, Tasha, etc. and Picard is really all alone and hallucinating everything.
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Riker: Data, what's the defense against the Picard Manuever?
Data: There isn't one, sir.
Riker: THEN DEVISE ONE, FAST!
(LOL DATA'S REACTION)
Data: Oh, ok, I think I've come up with something, sir:
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LOL Riker snapping at First Officer Ferengi who is just fucking awesome, you guys.
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Data *offers solution to Picard Manuever*
Riker: AND BLOW OUR CAPTAIN TO BITS!?
Data: YOU ASKED FOR A SOLUTION, I GAVE YOU A SOLUTION. WHY DON'T YOU CRY ABOUT IT, SEEMS TO BE YOUR NEW FAVORITE PASTTIME
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"No question of it, sir." DATA ILU SO SASSY CONFIDENT <3
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LOL paranoid-ass Picard.
Picard (borderline Christian Bale Batman voice): Who is this?
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Just blow the fucking thin up alr--OH LOL SLOW MOTION EXPLOSION AND HURLED PICARD
A+++++
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Riker: Are you all right, Captain?
Picard: My hip!
Too many old jokes to be made.
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Riker almost peeing with anxiety.
Riker: OMG CAPTAIN DON'T DIE YOU'RE MY BIGGEST HERO EVER
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Picard suddenly completely recovered. What?
Wesley I officially like now because of that one hilarious line.
Beverly was annoying in this episode. Picard, too, but at least he was kinda funny.
OMG DATA'S BIG OL' EYES <3