(no subject)

[j_j_j_jenna]

I wonder if I could ever reach inside myself like other people reach into me
reach and pull at my heart and make my head swim
it makes me tired and i cannot focus on a single thing
but if i could reach inside and i could move myself into a dizzy passion
that would be winning this life
this game
in my eyes at least
i get close
extremely close
when i lay words on paper
inside intangible journals
catalogued inner dialogue.

i still look for you everywhere i go
and i still put myself in your direction
it's habit, baby.
a sorry habit.

i still spend every night trying in so much vain to figure out enigmatic hearts that i will never really know
because i want to know them so bad it hurts
needles on skin

if you could shoot me into your veins
and i could travel through your blood
and intercept your heart
steal it and hide it inside my own
i would really, truly know that heaven exists.