(no subject)
i feel like whenever i write in my livejournal i feel the same way, just different facets sortof. how growing up is hard, and i wonder if anyone who is grown up is as happy as they used to be.
like the time in between when i was young and where i am now just disappeared, and i can't find the right words for the way i am feeling, so every time i feel this way i try to explain it but it always falls short. i categorize my life by what songs i listened to at whatever time, or who i was dating, or what kind of cigarettes i smoked, or what kind of car i drove, or you drove.
like listening to "trailer trash" when it was grey out today in honda accord, and thinking about how i felt when i was 15 and listening to the same song. when mason first got his license and drove the van. i didn't smoke then, he did, when we walked from his parents house to the lake and climbed over the fence to watch the turtles. what did we name them? i can't remember. or when i used to listen to "lives" over and over and pulling into his driveway in geo prizm when the CD player still worked.
like when i was a freshman in college and i used to drive back to lake orion at night and we would stay up all night and i would drive back to detroit in the morning before class at 9 and i smoked marlboro smooths. the snow was just melting and i listened to mates of state when i was getting on the highway. it was the end of winter, and i found out about xiu xiu and parenthetical girls.
like when i drove east on 94 to get to david's house, the only time i ever drove east on 94.
like when jenny and i drove back to braed's house for the last party when kyle died and i made her listen to that song by daughters over and over because i was so angry and didn't understand. and we got there and we sat on the floor and noah played "album of the year" on guitar like he always does.
like when i was in high school and i used to go home before football games to take a shower, and i would listen to coheed and cambria really loud on the white cd player because my parents weren't home yet, and when alex drove the fiero and we listened to coheed and cambria, or when kyle drove mx6 and we were driving down waldon road and it was night time in the summer, and he used to make that face that he always made in pictures and make the sound in "always and never." the one where he had one eye closed and he screwed up the corners of his mouth.
like driving back to lake orion from livonia in the morning because i had to work, and listening to roxy music and elvis costello. and it was summertime then, and i stopped at burger king to get a veggie burger, the one that has two drive thrus, and getting burger all over the front of me and my white skirt. or the first time you showed me bon iver. when danny and i went up north and he drove a black honda civic. he would always smoke a joint at the same point on the highway, and it was late at night this time, in the winter, and we were going to carl's cabin just for the night. and we watched homeward bound on the vcr, and the pipes made sounds at night. and we smoked on the porch, and we had the glasses that made snowmen out of every light.
like how the backseat of my car is filled with empty cigarette boxes and coffee mugs and cups. and how there is this lake on 94 east before you hit the big dollar discount and aco hardware and value foods coming from ann arbor, and there is this island in the middle, just a little hill with snow and trees. and everything was grey, and somehow things make sense in my head but don't make sense when i am trying to tell them to people. like when i was trying to tell kevin about how it feels when my ocd flares up and i can't be touched or hugged. the stretchy feeling. and how i can't stop eating granola. and how i hate surprises. and how my throat hurts but i keep chain smoking. or how i keep wishing i could fast forward and rewind and freeze time. so many good things are coming, and i am stuck in a funk right now. i get to go to florida, kevin is flying in for keweenawesomfest and we get to drive up to Houghton together, I am graduating from college (WOW!), I get to go up north with my family, and then I am moving to New York. but right this second is not so fun.
like the time in between when i was young and where i am now just disappeared, and i can't find the right words for the way i am feeling, so every time i feel this way i try to explain it but it always falls short. i categorize my life by what songs i listened to at whatever time, or who i was dating, or what kind of cigarettes i smoked, or what kind of car i drove, or you drove.
like listening to "trailer trash" when it was grey out today in honda accord, and thinking about how i felt when i was 15 and listening to the same song. when mason first got his license and drove the van. i didn't smoke then, he did, when we walked from his parents house to the lake and climbed over the fence to watch the turtles. what did we name them? i can't remember. or when i used to listen to "lives" over and over and pulling into his driveway in geo prizm when the CD player still worked.
like when i was a freshman in college and i used to drive back to lake orion at night and we would stay up all night and i would drive back to detroit in the morning before class at 9 and i smoked marlboro smooths. the snow was just melting and i listened to mates of state when i was getting on the highway. it was the end of winter, and i found out about xiu xiu and parenthetical girls.
like when i drove east on 94 to get to david's house, the only time i ever drove east on 94.
like when jenny and i drove back to braed's house for the last party when kyle died and i made her listen to that song by daughters over and over because i was so angry and didn't understand. and we got there and we sat on the floor and noah played "album of the year" on guitar like he always does.
like when i was in high school and i used to go home before football games to take a shower, and i would listen to coheed and cambria really loud on the white cd player because my parents weren't home yet, and when alex drove the fiero and we listened to coheed and cambria, or when kyle drove mx6 and we were driving down waldon road and it was night time in the summer, and he used to make that face that he always made in pictures and make the sound in "always and never." the one where he had one eye closed and he screwed up the corners of his mouth.
like driving back to lake orion from livonia in the morning because i had to work, and listening to roxy music and elvis costello. and it was summertime then, and i stopped at burger king to get a veggie burger, the one that has two drive thrus, and getting burger all over the front of me and my white skirt. or the first time you showed me bon iver. when danny and i went up north and he drove a black honda civic. he would always smoke a joint at the same point on the highway, and it was late at night this time, in the winter, and we were going to carl's cabin just for the night. and we watched homeward bound on the vcr, and the pipes made sounds at night. and we smoked on the porch, and we had the glasses that made snowmen out of every light.
like how the backseat of my car is filled with empty cigarette boxes and coffee mugs and cups. and how there is this lake on 94 east before you hit the big dollar discount and aco hardware and value foods coming from ann arbor, and there is this island in the middle, just a little hill with snow and trees. and everything was grey, and somehow things make sense in my head but don't make sense when i am trying to tell them to people. like when i was trying to tell kevin about how it feels when my ocd flares up and i can't be touched or hugged. the stretchy feeling. and how i can't stop eating granola. and how i hate surprises. and how my throat hurts but i keep chain smoking. or how i keep wishing i could fast forward and rewind and freeze time. so many good things are coming, and i am stuck in a funk right now. i get to go to florida, kevin is flying in for keweenawesomfest and we get to drive up to Houghton together, I am graduating from college (WOW!), I get to go up north with my family, and then I am moving to New York. but right this second is not so fun.