(no subject)
Over the past couple of days I've been trying to find a way to make some sort of sense of my feelings. Everything inside of me is just so jumbled right now.
Up until this morning, I hadn't cried. None of it had seemed to sink in until I was rummaging through my bag looking for clothes to wear and I pulled out one of his t-shirts. In my hurry to pack my things and just get out of the apartment the other night I must've picked it up by accident. It smelled like him and at that moment, all I wanted was him to hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay.
But it's because of him things are such a mess.
I'm not angry, I can't find it in me to be angry, but I am so unbelievably hurt right now. And what's weird is it's not so much the fact that he cheated on me that hurts (sure, that's been like a stab in the chest) but it's more the way I found out that's tearing me apart.
He had the opportunity to tell me. It must've been a day or two after it had happened, we were talking about her, them, us, the past, the future...he had his chance to tell me, to be honest with me. But he just looked me in the eyes and told me that what they had was part of the past, that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
He's still saying that he wants to be with me, and more than anything else I want to believe him and give him a chance. I just don't know at the moment.
We agreed to have some time apart to think things through, I just can't do it though. I need to talk to him. The more I think about things, the more there is I need to say. And strangely enough, everything I want to say is in his best interest. All I want is what's best for him, I want him to be okay.
On a different note, I want the Toscos back. I know why they deleted, and I support them 100% in their decision. I just think it's a shame that some of the best people I know had to go through the kind of shit they've been through for no apparent reason at all. And that's all I have to say on that.
Up until this morning, I hadn't cried. None of it had seemed to sink in until I was rummaging through my bag looking for clothes to wear and I pulled out one of his t-shirts. In my hurry to pack my things and just get out of the apartment the other night I must've picked it up by accident. It smelled like him and at that moment, all I wanted was him to hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay.
But it's because of him things are such a mess.
I'm not angry, I can't find it in me to be angry, but I am so unbelievably hurt right now. And what's weird is it's not so much the fact that he cheated on me that hurts (sure, that's been like a stab in the chest) but it's more the way I found out that's tearing me apart.
He had the opportunity to tell me. It must've been a day or two after it had happened, we were talking about her, them, us, the past, the future...he had his chance to tell me, to be honest with me. But he just looked me in the eyes and told me that what they had was part of the past, that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
He's still saying that he wants to be with me, and more than anything else I want to believe him and give him a chance. I just don't know at the moment.
We agreed to have some time apart to think things through, I just can't do it though. I need to talk to him. The more I think about things, the more there is I need to say. And strangely enough, everything I want to say is in his best interest. All I want is what's best for him, I want him to be okay.
On a different note, I want the Toscos back. I know why they deleted, and I support them 100% in their decision. I just think it's a shame that some of the best people I know had to go through the kind of shit they've been through for no apparent reason at all. And that's all I have to say on that.