She'll always be kaunis tyttö to me
A Little back story first:
Samantha and I were together for about a year and a half, living together for the greater part of that time. If you know me, you know that and this is nothing new. At times the relationship was great, but for the most part it was lacking. I blame myself that my laziness, selfishness, disinterest in a serious physical relationship -- giving up sex for video games frequently -- as well as my general hotheadedness and asshole nature brought our relationship to its eventual closing. Going out for coffee with other girls before work certainly didn't improve our relationship either. It was two days before Christmas in 2007 that I lost my temper with her for the last time and she left the next day.
We didn't talk for a while after that. I gave up paying bills for Miller High Life and Old Dan Tucker and spend my down time sulking to myself and wishing myself back with Samantha (which, in hindsight, would have bet a train wreck as I would have settled back into my old habits). I even at once considered swallowing a few handfuls of anti-depressants I had laying around, but decided against it after consideration for my friends and family, opting to flush the 180-something pills down the toilet instead. We resumed a friendship shortly after our breakup, but it wasn't anything great. We mainly had Sam and James Nights, which consisted mostly of a trip to the Anchor, booze and a movie, and a fight before bed, though not always.
On my birthday in October of 2008 Samantha and I had another Sam and James Night that resulted with a complete separation of her and my relationship in nearly every sense of possibility. The night started out with few imperfections as we poured drinks and broke out Boom Blox and movies, but after further consumption, my good nature that night two-faced and I retained my old asshole nature. This time was really bad, and progressed to the point of me yelling, swearing, insulting and name-calling and flipping off the switches in the electric box to ensure that she couldn't keep herself entertained as I slept. It was an awful situation as I was quite literally a drunken, raving lunatic.
While I consider this to be the lowest point in my life and the most embarrassing moment I've experienced yet, it was also my biggest eye opener as to the kind of person I had become: an ill-tempered, friend-alienating drunk. Since then, I've been working on improving myself through controlling my temper and generally trying to feel good with myself and who am I (or at least who I was trying to be). Both methods have seen success, and when combined with a decrease in alcohol consumption, quitting smoking and observing what it's like to be an asshole to the one you love, I feel like a better and healthier person (in mind, body and spirit) who is ready to love again.
Recently Mike and Anna have been bringing Samantha around on Tuesday nights when they go to the bar, starting three weeks ago. First word of her coming around sent my stomach into turmoil as I hadn't seen nor spoken to her since October, so I drank myself into sleep before she came over because I didn't want to be aware while she was around. It's not that I didn't want to see or spend time with her, it's that I figure she wouldn't want to with me, and like a dog aware of its own wrongdoings, I retreated to my room with my tail between my legs. She came around again last week and similarly I hid out in my room, playing video games until everyone left and I could fall asleep.
Shortly after three in the morning, I awoke to someone saying my name with a following poke to my foot. It was awfully irritating as I hate getting woken up, but I was smitten to find Samantha standing at the foot of my bed and asking if I wanted to come downstairs and hang out with her and everyone else. She sat by my bed and we talked for a few moments before I tried to go back to sleep. Since then I've been in one of the best moods I can remember, and for multiple reasons: One, I have my friend -- who is one of the greatest people and sweetest girls I know -- back; and Two, she comes bearing forgiveness, something I'd never expect for myself after the way that I had treated her.
Samantha and I were together for about a year and a half, living together for the greater part of that time. If you know me, you know that and this is nothing new. At times the relationship was great, but for the most part it was lacking. I blame myself that my laziness, selfishness, disinterest in a serious physical relationship -- giving up sex for video games frequently -- as well as my general hotheadedness and asshole nature brought our relationship to its eventual closing. Going out for coffee with other girls before work certainly didn't improve our relationship either. It was two days before Christmas in 2007 that I lost my temper with her for the last time and she left the next day.
We didn't talk for a while after that. I gave up paying bills for Miller High Life and Old Dan Tucker and spend my down time sulking to myself and wishing myself back with Samantha (which, in hindsight, would have bet a train wreck as I would have settled back into my old habits). I even at once considered swallowing a few handfuls of anti-depressants I had laying around, but decided against it after consideration for my friends and family, opting to flush the 180-something pills down the toilet instead. We resumed a friendship shortly after our breakup, but it wasn't anything great. We mainly had Sam and James Nights, which consisted mostly of a trip to the Anchor, booze and a movie, and a fight before bed, though not always.
On my birthday in October of 2008 Samantha and I had another Sam and James Night that resulted with a complete separation of her and my relationship in nearly every sense of possibility. The night started out with few imperfections as we poured drinks and broke out Boom Blox and movies, but after further consumption, my good nature that night two-faced and I retained my old asshole nature. This time was really bad, and progressed to the point of me yelling, swearing, insulting and name-calling and flipping off the switches in the electric box to ensure that she couldn't keep herself entertained as I slept. It was an awful situation as I was quite literally a drunken, raving lunatic.
While I consider this to be the lowest point in my life and the most embarrassing moment I've experienced yet, it was also my biggest eye opener as to the kind of person I had become: an ill-tempered, friend-alienating drunk. Since then, I've been working on improving myself through controlling my temper and generally trying to feel good with myself and who am I (or at least who I was trying to be). Both methods have seen success, and when combined with a decrease in alcohol consumption, quitting smoking and observing what it's like to be an asshole to the one you love, I feel like a better and healthier person (in mind, body and spirit) who is ready to love again.
Recently Mike and Anna have been bringing Samantha around on Tuesday nights when they go to the bar, starting three weeks ago. First word of her coming around sent my stomach into turmoil as I hadn't seen nor spoken to her since October, so I drank myself into sleep before she came over because I didn't want to be aware while she was around. It's not that I didn't want to see or spend time with her, it's that I figure she wouldn't want to with me, and like a dog aware of its own wrongdoings, I retreated to my room with my tail between my legs. She came around again last week and similarly I hid out in my room, playing video games until everyone left and I could fall asleep.
Shortly after three in the morning, I awoke to someone saying my name with a following poke to my foot. It was awfully irritating as I hate getting woken up, but I was smitten to find Samantha standing at the foot of my bed and asking if I wanted to come downstairs and hang out with her and everyone else. She sat by my bed and we talked for a few moments before I tried to go back to sleep. Since then I've been in one of the best moods I can remember, and for multiple reasons: One, I have my friend -- who is one of the greatest people and sweetest girls I know -- back; and Two, she comes bearing forgiveness, something I'd never expect for myself after the way that I had treated her.