Life is beautiful…life is pain
I stayed the night at my grandpa’s condo on Longboat Key for the second night in a row. Nobody is over there (hell, I’m not even supposed to have keys to the condo) so I’ve just been able to have some personal time. Time to just sit around in my underwear and think, or sleep, or do homework, or do whatever the hell else I wanted to do (except go to the bathroom cuz they turn the water off when nobody’s there). I didn’t go to bed last night though. I didn’t get back from work til 1ish. I talked to my brother, Matthew til about 1:30. I went over to the labs and hung out with Tory til 3. I enjoyed that cuz I was in a talking mood and she seemed to be in a listening mood, so it worked out nicely. At 3 I went back to my room, gathered up my computer (since all my other stuff (a.k.a. my portfolio, bookbag, etc) was already in the car or over at the condo) and headed off to the condo. I then sat around (in my underwear) until about 5. At that point I got out my portfolio and started working on this assignment for my perceptual systems teacher. I had to do a stippling value drawing, 12 inches by 12 inches in pencil. At around 6:45 I finished that up (and I don’t think it looked that bad either…in fact the process of stippling wasn’t even that bad either) and packed up all my stuff. I wanted to be out of the condo before the secretary lady got into the office down in the lobby. Obviously since I wasn’t supposed to be in the condo in the first place, I didn’t want people knowing I had been there. I put my stuff in the car, and then turned around and headed back towards the condo. Only instead of going to the condo, I walked around to the other side of the condo…the beach.
At about 7:10 I started running. It was gorgeous out. Life is so beautiful, but sometimes it is more obvious than usual. The beach at 7 in the morning, before the sun has risen (yet there is still plenty of light) is amazing. The ocean is calm, cool, and cold to the touch. It is so massive and mysterious, welcoming while at the same time foreboding. It was wonderful.
I set goals while I ran. I told myself I was going to make it to those pipes sticking out of the ground. And when I reached that point I told myself I would make it to that condo (which was farther away than I thought). And when I reached that condo I was tired. I was beat. I had ran for a half an hour straight, on loose sand, barefoot. I was drenched with sweat, light headed, and thirsty. I went up to the condo’s pool and found a water fountain.
And then I started running again. I had to go back. And I realized something as I pushed myself. As I started to cramp, as my abs became sore, as my calves cursed my name, I realized that this was life. In Fight Club, Tyler Durden says Life is Pain. And its true. Before you can experience any good, before you can appreciate what you have, you have to feel what’s it like to not have it. If I got up and ran everyday like I just did, even thought it would be hell everyday, eventually I would feel better. I would be in better shape. I could do more. Look better. On and on. And so until you feel the pain, you can’t feel the good.
I’ve always been a lucky person. Things have always worked out for me. I’ve never experienced true failure cuz things always work out for me. I decided while I was running that I was going to live to be at least 107 years old. I have been alive for 18 years. That’s only 16.8224299065% of my life. Not a very big number. So just because I have been lucky so far, doesn’t mean that I am going to be this lucky for the next 83.1775700935% of my life. So it is time I took control of my life and started making things happen because I really want them to, not because I got lucky again. I’m not saying it is bad to be lucky, but I can’t let it direct my life. I have control it and use it as a tool to aid my life. I’ve been waiting for that big thing to happen in my life that will enlighten me and force change into my life. But I am an impatient person. I am a stubborn person. I’m a Taurus. And so I can’t sit around waiting for life to happen for me. I can’t wait for something to push me down so low that it opens my eyes. So I’ll just have to take matters into my own hands. I have to cause the pain I seek. But it has to be positive pain. I can’t go start cutting myself and grow off that kind of pain. I have to push myself like I did while running. Push myself beyond the pain of running, for example, until it hurts so badly. And then keep going. It is weird, but I loved myself after I finished running. I loved myself because I pushed myself beyond the pain. And I did it for myself. The farther I pushed, the more I felt, the happier I became with myself. And I just have to keep doing that. Force myself to do things that in the end will be good for me, but feels like pulling teeth during the process. That will make me stronger. That will make me a better person. Something that I desperately want to be.
(By the way, I ran until 8:20…a good hour and 10 minute run…not bad, not bad…)
(I measured it on my way home with my car. Since the beach runs parallel to the road, I could figure out how far I ran…the distance was 5.1 miles. I'm not going to lie; I was pretty impressed with myself. Next time I’m going to push myself to the next condo. 5.2. Baby steps)
At about 7:10 I started running. It was gorgeous out. Life is so beautiful, but sometimes it is more obvious than usual. The beach at 7 in the morning, before the sun has risen (yet there is still plenty of light) is amazing. The ocean is calm, cool, and cold to the touch. It is so massive and mysterious, welcoming while at the same time foreboding. It was wonderful.
I set goals while I ran. I told myself I was going to make it to those pipes sticking out of the ground. And when I reached that point I told myself I would make it to that condo (which was farther away than I thought). And when I reached that condo I was tired. I was beat. I had ran for a half an hour straight, on loose sand, barefoot. I was drenched with sweat, light headed, and thirsty. I went up to the condo’s pool and found a water fountain.
And then I started running again. I had to go back. And I realized something as I pushed myself. As I started to cramp, as my abs became sore, as my calves cursed my name, I realized that this was life. In Fight Club, Tyler Durden says Life is Pain. And its true. Before you can experience any good, before you can appreciate what you have, you have to feel what’s it like to not have it. If I got up and ran everyday like I just did, even thought it would be hell everyday, eventually I would feel better. I would be in better shape. I could do more. Look better. On and on. And so until you feel the pain, you can’t feel the good.
I’ve always been a lucky person. Things have always worked out for me. I’ve never experienced true failure cuz things always work out for me. I decided while I was running that I was going to live to be at least 107 years old. I have been alive for 18 years. That’s only 16.8224299065% of my life. Not a very big number. So just because I have been lucky so far, doesn’t mean that I am going to be this lucky for the next 83.1775700935% of my life. So it is time I took control of my life and started making things happen because I really want them to, not because I got lucky again. I’m not saying it is bad to be lucky, but I can’t let it direct my life. I have control it and use it as a tool to aid my life. I’ve been waiting for that big thing to happen in my life that will enlighten me and force change into my life. But I am an impatient person. I am a stubborn person. I’m a Taurus. And so I can’t sit around waiting for life to happen for me. I can’t wait for something to push me down so low that it opens my eyes. So I’ll just have to take matters into my own hands. I have to cause the pain I seek. But it has to be positive pain. I can’t go start cutting myself and grow off that kind of pain. I have to push myself like I did while running. Push myself beyond the pain of running, for example, until it hurts so badly. And then keep going. It is weird, but I loved myself after I finished running. I loved myself because I pushed myself beyond the pain. And I did it for myself. The farther I pushed, the more I felt, the happier I became with myself. And I just have to keep doing that. Force myself to do things that in the end will be good for me, but feels like pulling teeth during the process. That will make me stronger. That will make me a better person. Something that I desperately want to be.
(By the way, I ran until 8:20…a good hour and 10 minute run…not bad, not bad…)
(I measured it on my way home with my car. Since the beach runs parallel to the road, I could figure out how far I ran…the distance was 5.1 miles. I'm not going to lie; I was pretty impressed with myself. Next time I’m going to push myself to the next condo. 5.2. Baby steps)