Coming up with titles for entries gets old really fast
So its been a few days since I broke up with Lara. I really don't even remember when I did it, because I can't keep track of the days down here at all. I have no idea when things happen anymore. I just have a general idea that they happen. I guess now that I think about it, it was last Sunday night because I did when we got back from eating at Joanna's house (which was delicious!). My reasons for breaking up with her were that I didn't love myself and so I can't love anybody else until I figured out who I was. And maybe that really is the reason. Maybe I stopped loving her because I don't love myself. But I don't know if that's it. I just don't know what happened...we had a great relationship for over 2 years, and then all of a sudden here I am, breaking up with her, not loving her anymore. I can't even remember what it felt like to love her, or to be in such a deep relationship. And yet, I don't know if I want. While I loved Lara very much, and I care about her, I think for my own growth it is time to move on. And I hope that by my doing this, I'm completely ruining her life. I hope she takes something away from our relationship, and I hope that she will grow because of it. I hope she one day finds someone even better than me, and that she can grow and be happy. But I don't think I would have been happy if I stuck with the relationship. I have changed to much from when we first met that we aren't that compatible. I have changed a lot, but I have always tried to hide it from her, pretending to still be that same boy she met 2 years ago. But I couldn't do it anymore, and now I have all these mixed up feelings inside because while I'm single now, I feel so bad for hurting the way I have. I thought this would help things by breaking up with her, and instead its just complicated things more.
I've been having really bad headaches for the past couple of weeks. Yesterday at work, I was running movies (I work at Hollywood Video) and it felt like somebody stabbed me in the temple with a pencil. It was this piercing pain that lasted for like 10 minutes. And then when it went away, it felt like i had just looked at the sun. You know how when you look at the sun or a really bright light, you see those big bright spots? Well i had a huge one right in the middle of my vision. I couldn't read or look at anything directly because I couldn't see. It was really bad. And then I had a major headache all over for the rest of the night. Dan thinks this is happening cuz i don't have a steady sleep schedule. But I always stay up late, so I don't see why that would be it. All I know is they aren't helping my general well-being.
So now I'm just chilling in the Keating labs with Kendra. I had a pretty cool night. I went and hung out at the coffee shop across the street (Big E's?) with Nick, Tori, Ryan, Alex, Dan, and Mike. Niki and Kim were there for a little bit, but then they left. It was cool just hanging out and talking, but I became really antsy towards the end. Then everybody went to bed except for me, Nick, and Tori so we came in here. And then I started thinking and reading some of the stuff I've written and put myself in a mood. I hate it when that happens. So I started typing in this, and then they left, but by that point I had secluded myself in what I was typing, so I didn't mind.
I just wish I could figure out my shit. I wish I wasn't messed up, and I wish I loved myself.
Everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, then its not the end.
I've been having really bad headaches for the past couple of weeks. Yesterday at work, I was running movies (I work at Hollywood Video) and it felt like somebody stabbed me in the temple with a pencil. It was this piercing pain that lasted for like 10 minutes. And then when it went away, it felt like i had just looked at the sun. You know how when you look at the sun or a really bright light, you see those big bright spots? Well i had a huge one right in the middle of my vision. I couldn't read or look at anything directly because I couldn't see. It was really bad. And then I had a major headache all over for the rest of the night. Dan thinks this is happening cuz i don't have a steady sleep schedule. But I always stay up late, so I don't see why that would be it. All I know is they aren't helping my general well-being.
So now I'm just chilling in the Keating labs with Kendra. I had a pretty cool night. I went and hung out at the coffee shop across the street (Big E's?) with Nick, Tori, Ryan, Alex, Dan, and Mike. Niki and Kim were there for a little bit, but then they left. It was cool just hanging out and talking, but I became really antsy towards the end. Then everybody went to bed except for me, Nick, and Tori so we came in here. And then I started thinking and reading some of the stuff I've written and put myself in a mood. I hate it when that happens. So I started typing in this, and then they left, but by that point I had secluded myself in what I was typing, so I didn't mind.
I just wish I could figure out my shit. I wish I wasn't messed up, and I wish I loved myself.
Everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, then its not the end.