(no subject)
First of all, ignore everything underneath. I'm too lazy to delete it and can't even look at it.
Anyway, hey I'm back.
wooahh Jessi's back.
DenhamDenhamDenhamimissyall. i mean it.
I seem to always come stright back to this when things are at their worst. I guess because I hate writing and typing is much easier and I have to get out all of this shit or I'm not going to sleep, which I'm already doing. It's only 11:35 pm but due to my lack of sleep it feels much later. I've completely worn myself out and I don't know how to make everything go back to normal without one of the main things in my life.
Nope, no more Garrett. We're still friends thouggh..
Surprising? yeah I know. I was shocked.
still am, but what can you do?
IIIIII...umm..haven't really eaten much in the past week or so. I try. But then I get even more sick.
I can't figure out if it's a physical sick that I need to go to the doctor for or it's just mental.
I've lost 8 or 9 pounds in these few days and it's scary. Also throughout this week, I've had maybe twenty-four hours of sleep all together.
Just a little update Denham friends..I'm doing great, can't you tell?
Today Anna picked me up and we went shopping for my trip to Destin with Danielle Saturday. We picked up Courtney and went to Whitney's house. Watched a show on tape with Matt and blah blahh..Whitney and I have completely bonded I guess. He's so cool and I feel bad for thinking otherwise. We jammed to the Shout Out Loud's in the car and that's got to be one of the coolest things to happen to me in a while.
I hate watching people I love hurt and just sitting there. helpless. All I can think to do is pray.
I love Anna so much. I'm so glad her and I "reunited". I just want her to be AMAZINGLY HAPPY. It hurts so much to see her cry.
When we left Whitney's we went to this place, I can't remember what they called it. It was in downtown Covington. absolutely breath taking. I can't even describe it how brilliant it was. I began to feel so confused about nothing..or I was supposed to be doing something but I didn't know what so I felt, once again, helpless. But that place brought out the deepest part of me and I can't seem to get out of this state of mind.
I don't understand why I still hold so much faith in this relationship.
It's never going to work again, I fucked it up in so many ways.
I keep forgetting that I'm alone again. Yesterday during my lunch break I picked up my phone and dialed the number and then thought what the fuck am I doing? It doesn't feel real. I don't feel like I've completed anything. I don't feel like it lasted long enough to figure out the real purpose for all of this happening.
But again, what the fuck can you do? There's no choice.
I had a record going. I didn't think about my situation for a whole day and most importantly didn't get emotional over it. I hadn't done any of that for like a whole day or something; but it ended yesterday. The crying gets just a little less every few days I even try to avoid thinking about it but when one little thing strikes my mind everything gets fucked up again and my whole night is ruined. I'm such a weak, pathetic little bitch. I guess I just need him there, to like help me through it all. Because that's what he did. He was always there even when I was an hour away for weeks at a time. He listened to me and was there. But I'm scared it's not like that anymore and I don't want to make things worse than they already are. So I sit here and hope maybe he'll say something? or make it better? without me even having to tell him how much I need him. and this is mostly just needing him as a friend. Because when I was like this, that's exactly what he was..a friend.
I did this to not talk about it but I always fuck things up.
Anyway, there's this chick.
Danielle.
Yeah yeah, the FUCK girl on myspace.
I hate myspace. fuck myspace.
She's awesome. She actually gets my mind off of things and completely distracts me from anything negative in my life.
I'm going to spend a few days with her on the Southshore and in Destin. I'm so excited I'm just waited for Friday to come. I needed to get out of this place for a little bit. And spending that little bit with such an amazing girl makes it so much better. I'm so glad I'm getting to know her and I can't wait for everything we go through together in the future.
So I am doing good, but ofcourse the bad overtakes the good.
I love where I live now, I can't wait for school to start, I'm meeting so many new people and learning so much..I am happy.
Just part of me is gone right now and I have no idea how long it will take to mend. I just wish it would hurry the fuck up because I'm so sick of hurting. It's only been three days and it feels like weeks or something. But it also feels like it didn't really happen. I'm so confused.