There's Only So Much You Can Learn In One Place, The More That I Wait The More Time That I Waste...
"Jump" by Madonna
There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste
I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own
[Chorus]
Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump
We learned our lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see
[Chorus]
Are you ready?
There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own
It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own
I can make it alone [repeat]
(my sisters and me)
[Chorus X2]
Wow... so where to begin? I haven't posted in my livejournal in fucking AGES!!! I am so lost! I really don't even know where to start... It has been quite the past few months for me. Been to a few concerts, (Foo Fighters/Weezer, The Bravery, and most importantly, FUCKING LIZ PHAIR!!!) had a few minor dramas, developed a few new psychoses, (surprise surprise,) and pretty well have just been trying to cope with life. Nothing too new. I really haven't the memory or the energy to really devote too much time to the ACTUAL events of the past few months - I couldn't even begin to list them! I guess I will start by just diving right in to the now!
I am still working at Answer America, and I still enjoy it, to an extent. It has become much more like a real job than I ever saw it before. There are days that I really dread going there. There are days when I fucking hate it! There are days when I sit all morning before I go just thinking about calling in! Sound familiar? Sound a little like every other job I have ever had in my life?! HERE is the difference: When I dread going to work, when I fucking hate it, when I sit for hours beforehand just thinking about calling in - I don't ACTUALLY do it! I am about to hit my 6 month mark there, (the longest I have ever had any job,) and I have only missed 2 whole days! My first time calling in was the day of the second Liz Phair show, because I am sorry, but when the options of things to do for the day are a: go to work, or b: go see Liz Phair, I am choosing Liz Phair every fucking time!!! She was soooo amazing, and even better when I met her! Yes, I met Liz Phair!!!! It was soooo exciting, and all I could say to her was "Oh my GOD!!!" She was sooo adorable! She just giggled and moved things along like a real pro! The other time I called in was 2 weeks or so ago, because I was already gonna be late, then on the way to work, we got a flat tire. I just took it as a sign - a sign that I was kinda burned out after a good 4-6 weeks with only 1 day off!!! I call it a mental health day... but not like the two mental health days per month I would take at Protocol! At Protocol, though, you really needed those two mental health days! :-P
So, yeah, work is going well... it is like a real job, but one I don't necessarily HATE! I dunno if this happened before the last time I wrote in here, but I got a raise, too! A fucking $2 raise!!! It was awesome!!! I make sooooo much money now! hehehe j/k... it IS more than I have ever made before, and definitely helps! Money doesn't necessarily help EVERYTHING, though - as evidenced by my relationships with my friends! Things got better for a little bit, then they got worse, and now they are just... stagnant! I find myself feeling frustrated a LOT lately because of my friends - they all want me to do and be something different. I just wanna be who I am... it is all I know how to be, all I can be and all I am gonna be! It is just weird how I spent the past year with these people kinda setting myself up for them to have all these expectations of me - not that they are false expectations or anything like that, but I can't just be the way they like me all the time! I run the full fucking spectrum of emotions, dammit! In the words of Madonna, "This is who I am, you can like it or not!" I dunno... I find myself trying a lot less, (and in many ways, caring a lot less.) I dunno if it's because I spent so much time before trying sooo hard to make these friendships work that now that they are still not really pulling it off I am just losing interest, or if it is because I am trying to disengage from them before I get hurt in one way or another. Maybe a little of both... or maybe I am trying to disengage emotionally because of the prospect of disengaging physically.
Segue into a thought bubble that has been lingering around my head for the past few weeks. This is nothing more than a thought bubble at this point... well, maybe a thought bubble that developed into an idea being tossed around. In any sense, it is NOWHERE NEAR a plan at this point! Just an idea to be tossed around - another option to be considered. Anyway, let me stop fussing with the term to use for it and just get to what it is! Okay, so lately I have been feeling pretty shitty. There is just something inside me that won't let me accept the way my life is right now. Something telling me that I need a change! Now, anyone who knows me knows that when I say I need a change, I don't just mean, "Oh, maybe I should dye my hair or start drinking diet soda or go vegetarian for like the 400th time," I mean something more along the lines of, "Maybe I should uproot my entire life as I know it and do something completely random and life-changing!" So, this thought bubble appeared one day and said, "Hey! Maybe you should move back to California!" At first I just kinda tossed the thought to the back of my mind and wrote it off as completely ridiculous and not a logical or tangible idea... but it was a persistent little thought bubble, and it kept coming back, along with other ideas to make it more and more of a feasible concept than I had ever imagined. So, Answer America, while being a small company, does have quite a few locations across the country. One of those locations is in Burbank, CA. I love the Burbank/Glendale area, and think it would be awesome to live there! So, right then and there I am able to toss the idea of moving to CA and just winding up unemployed and being a total bum like I was before. So then there is the thought, "Well, what about a place to live there?!" As we all know, there are many different websites on the internet where you can find, and actually put down deposits and rent an apartment or house online. Sure it is risky, but could also be well worth it! Besides, looking for an apartment in Burbank for me only has one MO: As cheap as possible! Essentially this means that I am willing to live in a tiny shithole apartment, as long as it is affordable! Then comes the question, "Speaking of affordable, renting an apartment online is all fine and dandy, but where are you gonna get the cash for first and last and deposits and such?!" Now, this is where it gets a little sad... I have recently started a little savings account, setting aside some money from every paycheck, originally for one reason and one reason only: MADONNA 2006 SUMMER TOUR!!! The original plan was to save up enough cash for two tickets to a Florida show, two tickets to an LA show, airfare and enough for spending money while I am there! Just the tickets and airfare should be enough to rent an apartment, and that spending money becomes travelling fees, (and obviously I will have to start saving a little MORE from each paycheck, just in case!)
So, with job set up there, apartment found and money issue solved, what else is there? The fear of living alone? Not anymore... that is one fear that I have had for soooo long that I kinda really feel the need to face now. I really do feel like while I have been in Florida I have grown and matured in many of the ways that I needed to in order to become a "fully functioning adult," but there is still one thing, and I am afraid I may not be able to do it here... and that is finally stepping out on my own and being fully independent! It is a scary thought - an EXTREMELY HORRIFYING thought, but again, one I feel I may have to face before I can become my fully realised self! I think living away from anyone I know may be the way to do it. Plus, I wouldn't be COMPLETELY alone! My best friend of 11 years, as well as my grandma and a buncha my Dad's side of the family would be less than 2 hours away, and all of my aunts and uncles on my Mom's side would be just up the road in the San Fernando Valley, only like 30 minutes or so away. Plus, if I am gonna try to do what I love and become a musician, I am prolly gonna need to be somewhere where things can happen, and Burbank is so close to LA that you may as well actually be in LA! All the major TV studios and such are there, so it could be a good thing. Plus, the area is full of 24 hour public transit, meaning I would always have a way to get wherever I needed to go. I dunno... like I said before, this is JUST an idea being tossed around. In some ways, the more I think about it the more I wanna do it, but in some ways I am still unsure. It will be really sad leaving my Momma and Amber, and the friends I have here, but I kinda feel like maybe it would be the right thing to do. This song from Madonna's AMAZING new album, "Confessions On A Dancefloor," (GO BUY IT NOW, EVEN IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A COPY!!!) is really kinda swaying me to make a decision... I dunno, though!!! Either way this would not be happening until well into the Summer of '06. I will just have to think long and hard about it, and spend the next 6-8 months or so preparing both mentally and monetarily.
No matter what, something has got to change. I just don't feel right anymore. One of my friends, upon hearing this idea, said that it was silly, and leaving would never make things better. The whole, "You carry your baggage with you," concept. I don't necessarily think I have baggage, though. It is not really like I am feeling this way because I am hanging onto things from the past or anything like that. I don't have problems with the past - I have problems with the present, and I want to correct them in the best way possible in order to ensure a better future. One way in which I am trying to ensure a better future for myself is by way of Christmas gift... Everyone I know well knows by now that the only things I want for Christmas are an Ipod, (cos' those things are just so damn nifty,) and a guitar! One way that I will be spending my money in the new year is with guitar lessons. I am incredibly serious about this. If I am ever to become a singer/songwriter, I can't carry on JUST writing lyrics and melodies, and I really think the guitar is the way to go for me. I was always more of a piano person, but as of late, (like the past year or so,) I find that the emotions expressed in the sound of a guitar truly speak to me. So, I am determined to learn the guitar! This will be my new years resolution! Learn the guitar, and either move back to Cali THE RIGHT WAY or see Madonna! Either way, I anticipate 2006 being a year of change and even more a year of growth and development!
The future is yet to come... Are you ready to jump?
Jason