Soft Light Of Reason Quiets This Fear, Words Like Repent Are The Last You'll Ever Hear...
One midnight call changed it all
I sit in silence and reach into the distance
A brother's sentence forever villainized
No chance of redemption
No matter how hard you cry
Sisters I will hold your hand through the night
You gotta be strong, reach for your life
She was your protector, Everything remains
Not of this world
Now the forest swallows her name
I never go to tell you what I wanted to
And I cry about it now
I never go to tell you
What you meant to me and I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what I wanted to
Don't cry about it now
I never go to tell you what you meant to me
All for one, and one for all
We will climb upright, Break down the wall
Soft light of reason quiets this fear
Words like repent are the last
You'll ever hear
I never go to tell you what I wanted to
And I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what you meant to me
And I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what I wanted to
Don't cry about it now
I never go to tell you what you meant to me
Spitting on a gem
Breaking the toy of innocence
Glass hearts fall to the ground
These things don't matter
These things don't matter
I never go to tell you what I wanted to
And I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what you meant to me
And I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what I wanted to and I cry about it now
I never go to tell you what you meant to me
Don't cry about it now
Don't you cry
Don't you cry
Don't you cry
Don't you cry
Don't you cry
Sister, sister reach for your life
Hold my hand
Hold my hand and fight
Okay, this weekend... there is the topic, now let's discuss. This weekend was pretty cool, but it definitely had it's ups and downs and, as I said earlier, left me with a lot of questions about the people that surround me. It is strange, but I have a very ambivalent feeling towards this weekend. I mean, there was a lot of cool shit that happened, and overall I think I had a pretty fucking good time, but then in retrospect, there were some pretty shitty factors, and I almost feel like the good time I had was kinda in vain. I dunno... I guess to really go into it and explain what I mean, I will just relay the whole weekend to you here, and see if it clears things up any more for me, and for you. I guess we'll just have to see...
So, Friday night... Friday night was pretty strange. I dunno where to begin, except with Friday morning. I got like 2-3 hours of sleep thursday night, so when I woke up early friday morning, I felt kinda shitty. I can never sleep the night before a big event for me, and this day was definitely a really big one. I got up early so Amber could take me to pick up my check before she went to work at 11:30am. So, it was like 9:30-10am when we went. We picked up my check, cashed it, went to a gas station for some power steering fluid and shit like that, then went back home so she could get ready for work. When we got home, I called Alyson, and she came over for a while and we went to K-Mart to pick up some makeup for her Harry Potter Party costume, and bought me some hair dye. It was pretty cool. Then I came home and spent a coupla hours dying my hair and getting ready for the concert. I did my makeup pretty cool and had bleached-blond hair, like Kelly! I was like super-psyched... until Jenn came over. She was not in the best of moods. The whole drive there she was kinda not too happy and really not hyped for the concert. She even brought a bottle of rum to drink at the concert, which kinda irritated me, but I was like, "Whatever." It was pretty cool of her, though, not to actually drink it at the concert when I voiced those concerns. She wasn't really into the concert, but at least made a small effort to act like she was. At that point, I didn't really care. I LOVED THE CONCERT! Kelly was awesome live! The concert was a lot different, and honestly a lot better than I expected... and that's REALLY saying something, because I was expecting it be amazing. It was even more amazing than I had assumed it would be. The set list, which I had a few complaints about, actually turned out pretty perfect. Like, everything flowed really perfectly. The opening, "Walk Away" was amazing! Throughout the entire show there were two screens above the stage, and each one had an eye, (the "Hazel Eyes," from the song and the name of the tour,) which was pretty cool. For the opening, before anything, the eyes opened up, then a pair of lips, like in RHPS, came on the screen and were lip-synching to her voice as she sang from below the stage. Then she came up and was totally fucking amazing! The entire show was brilliant. I think one of the biggest highlights had to be when she came out for "Behind These Hazel Eyes" in a wedding dress, and just went nuts on the song, and the encore, "Breakaway," which you could honestly barely hear her singing, because the crowd sang the entire song sooo loudly. It was awesome!
Anyway, after the concert on the drive home, Jenn and I were pretty cool. We had both had a lot of fun at the concert, even if it was for different reasons. When we got back to Sarasota, we went to Borders for the Harry Potter festivities, and that damn store was packed! It was insane... and the staff in costume was pretty fucking dorky, and we did have some fun making fun of them all. It was pretty fun. Then Caroline, one of my friends there, asked us to go pick her up some beer, for afterwards, of course, and when we did that, we each bought a coke, and loaded it up with rum. So, we went back to Borders and hung out drinking for a while. Then when the store closed, Jenn and I hung out outside and waited for everyone to get off. While we sat outside, Jenn and I got into some deep conversation. I was disappointed in myself for going over my two drink limit, and she thought that I was being stupid, which led to some long conversation about my feelings of desperately wanting to change the way that my life has been for the past few months... or really, the way my life has been since I was born. It was kinda good to get it out, but I dunno. I think Jenn is looking at me differently, after all the talk I did about my past and how much I want to change my future. I dunno... more on Jenn in a few. Once the Borders crew got out, we all went over to Shakespeares for a few drinks, (I had already broken my limit, so I figured why the hell not continue?) It was pretty cool. It was all very laid back, which was cool. I had fun. That wasn't really anything, except another reason why I didn't get home til after 4:30am. I stayed up until almost 7am, and wound up getting like no sleep.
The next day I went to work at 3pm, and was alright. Then something happened. Something I had kinda had some sort of strange premonition of. I just somehow had this feeling that it was gonna happen. I decided the night before, after being so inspired by the concert, that for my birthday I wanted to go somewhere to do karaoke... and somehow I just knew that Jenn wouldn't be coming. I don't really question her reason for deciding not to come, because it was definitely a good excuse, and pretty damn reasonable excuse to skip out on my birthday party. Her dogs got into a fight in her Moms arms, and wound up scratching and biting her pretty badly. She had to take her to the hospital and she needed stitches and a tetanus shot. I completely understand not coming because you're in the ER with your mother. I wouldn't have come, either. The thing is, though, that I knew beforehand that she wouldn't be coming. Like, I knew something would happen to prevent her from coming along. I just kinda feel like, in a way, now that I have finally allowed myself to get attatched and genuinely think of her as one of the best friends I have ever had, she is kinda pulling away. She called me her best friend months ago, and I always said that she was "Like a best friend," or something, but on Friday night, during the "deep conversation" outside of Borders, I told her that she is definitely one of my best friends, and that I have come to love her like I do the other few. I dunno... I just feel like now that I am actually opening up she is suddenly closing herself off. I dunno if that is true or not. We see each other a lot less these days, and it sucks. It just seems like we're not as accesible to each other, and I kinda feel like she has become a lot less accesible to me than I have to her. Like, I suddenly feel like I am having to put in all of the effort. I dunno... the dynamic between us has definitely shifted, and I am not sure what it all means or where it all will end up, but I can say that I am not really happy with it.
Anyway, so apart from that set back, I was determined to have a good time Saturday night. We all met up at Shakespeares around 11:30pm, and headed over to a place out on Siesta Key called "Captain Curts" or something like that. I think it may be spelled with Ks instead of Cs, but that isn't really important. Anyway, when we got there, the dude doing the karaoke was already saying that he was basically out of time. We put in songs right away, and I was pretty certain that I wasn't gonna get to sing, which woulda been okay. I dunno. By the time we got there, I was already feeling pretty downbeat. I dunno... I was just down. I spent the first large portion of time we were there outside smoking. and my friend Gabe came out to smoke with me, but then wound up seeing some dudes he knew and talking to them, so I was just kinda hanging out there alone. Caroline came out to talk to me, and it was pretty cool. We just kinda BSed. It was cool. She was talking about a party she is planning, and saying that I would definitely have to come, which sounded pretty cool. I dunno... it was all just kinda shooting the shit talk. Then we went inside and watched some people sing for a while, but I was just more comfortable outside smoking. So, I stayed out there most of the time we were there. The dudes who Gabe was talking to came up and talked to me, cos' this one was telling me how much he loved Kelly Clarkson, (cos' I was wearing a Kelly Clarkson t-shirt and Kelly Clarkson bandana,) and then the others were talking shit. So me and the other dude kinda teamed up to defend her. These dudes had sang some Perfect Circle song earlier and were pretty awesome. They were, apparently, a band, but when they told me the name I couldn't really hear, but if their karaoke performance was any indication, they must be pretty good. Plus, they were telling me that they are on this years Warped Tour, which was also pretty cool. They all told Gabe that I was pretty damn cool, and Gabe agreed with them, cos' ya know, I am pretty damn cool. Anyway, so they invited me to some party they are having next week, and I thought it would be pretty cool to go. I dunno, we'll see.
Anyway, so it took all night, but we did end up getting to sing. I sang "Alone," by Heart, which was pretty cool. It got a good response, which is always a plus. Then Alyson sang "It's Raining Men," which was pretty good, too, and Gabe sang, "Why Georgia," by John Mayer, and blew me away. I am always a little bitter when people sing better than me, but it was all good, cos' I think Gabe is prolly the coolest straight guy I know. I just think he is awesome. We have a cool dynamic of mutual respect. Anyway, so after Kaptain Kurts, or whatever the hell it is called, we went back to Shakespeares for a while, even though they were basically already closed, we just went and talked to our friend Sam, the bartender, then sat outside for a coupla hours just talking about shit. It was really cool. After that we went to Dennys to eat, and just kinda fucked around there. I was so hungry, so I ate way more than I had in a long time, and it was pretty fucked up, cos' in the morning I felt like fucking hell. I kinda have been nursing an eating disorder for months now, and I think I have finally gotten to the point where it could actually be considered an eating disorder. I dunno... I am kinda not taking it seriously, because I think if I think about it too much, I would be really fucked up. Then again, I am already really fucked up. I dunno... I just go like entire days without eating, just because I don't feel like doing it. I get to the point where I have like hardcore hunger pains, but I don't feel like eating, so I don't. It's pretty fucked up. I kinda mentioned that whole concept outside of Shakespeares with Bree, Gabe and Alyson, and so when I suggested we go eat at Dennys, it was kinda like they were all like, "YEAH, YOU definitely need to go eat something." I dunno... I think mentioning it was like my cry for help. I dunno that anyone listened really, but whatever. It was kinda stupid. But I had a lot of fun with them all, and it was a really awesome night, although it left me with questions about certain people as well, but I don't really feel like going into those questions, because I think if I don't voice those things they might go away, and I definitely want them to.
So, Sunday was a hellish sorta day. I woke up feeling like shit and stayed that way the entire day. I had the combination hangover/Dennys stomach ache, which really sucked. In the midst of Jenns saying that I was being stupid about limiting my drinking, she also made the comment that it is my birthday time, and that is a good excuse to drink a little more. I dunno... I know that sounds silly, but I took it to heart enough to have too much to drink Saturday night, as well. So, Sunday was the first day that I REALLY did not want to go to my new job. I just didn't want to go at all. Once I was there, it was fine. I had no problem with actually being there. Today, on the other hand, was the first day at this job that I went and REALLY REALLY didn't wanna be there. Today was also the first day that I worked with Alyson, which had nothing to do with the reason I didn't wanna be there. It was actually one of the few things that made it alright. It was just a hellish day at Answer America. There was soooo much going wrong and soooo many calls coming in. I didn't get to take a smoke break until 7pm, (4 hours after I got there,) and didn't get my lunch until 9pm. It was horribly busy. I didn't screw anything up, which was good, and I handled the whole EXTREME business thing really well, but I was soooo tense by the time I took a break. It was driving me crazy. On my breaks today, I called a few people to invite them/remind them about my small birthday party tomorrow night. There are only like 3 people coming, aside from me, my momma and the lesbos. I don't really mind, it is just kinda weird cos' like last year there were like 20 people at my birthday party. There was also quite a bit of drama, so this will prolly be better. I dunno... I still kinda feel like, "What's the fucking point?" and I almost wanna just stay home, but I am not going to. I dunno why not, but I am not. Even though I really kinda want to. I think I will try calling a few more people tomorrow to come. I doubt any more people will come, but whatever. I dunno. I am feeling extremely apathetic about this birthday party. I kinda feel like I already had my real birthday party on Saturday, which is funny, cos' Saturday was meant as the one to appease people and tomorrow, (or today, actually, happy birthday to me,) was meant as the "real" one. Funny how that switched. Things that make ya go hmmmmmm... Anyway, I am sure it'll be alright.
In the midst of calling the people today to come to my birthday party, I kinda made an extra call, to David, the one I talked about in the last entry, who I saw walking past the other day, and decided it was a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Well, today I saw his number in my phone, and decided to call and see if he wanted to come tomorrow. I just got his voicemail, and left him a rather cute message, and doubt that he will call back, but for some reason I felt that was significant enough to mention. I dunno why. I just saw his name in my phone, and for whatever reason got this feeling like I should call. I still have some sort of strange feeling about it. I dunno... odd, huh?
I am gonna shut up. I think the reason that nobody reads my entries anymore is because they are so long... I figured now that I have been updating a little more regularly, they would get shorter, but alas they have not. Oh well, I will just continue writing these horribly long entries just to get shit out of my system, and if nobody reads them... well, it is honestly prolly better that way. I need to go to bed and stop being pessimistic and stupid and letting these not necessarily negative, but downbeat thoughts run through my head and cause downbeat feelings take me over. I must stop. Goodnight!
Jason