This Is The Fear, This Is The Dread, These Are The Contents Of My Head...
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey...this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why
I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
This boat is sinking, this boat is sinking
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why
This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel
Okay, so first off let me say that I am kinda ecstatic right now... tomorrow is gonna be a great day, I just know it. First thing is I am getting my first paycheck tomorrow, which I cannot wait for! It has been like a month since I have had money! I am soooo fucking psyched to be getting a regular paycheck again! Then, after that, I am going to come home, get all dolled up and look totally fucking cute, then when Jenn gets off she and I are going off to see KELLY CLARKSON! Yes, the day is finally upon us! I absolutely cannot fucking wait! This is gonna be soooo fucking awesome! I love Kelly Clarkson more than most people I actually know, so seeing her in concert is gonna be amazing! More gushing about Kelly in a few... Then, after the concert we are coming back to Sarasota and going to my old job, Borders, to make fun of all our friends there in stupid ass Harry Potter costumes. I am gonna laugh my ass off, and take pictures, which I will be sure not to lock inside my phone, so I can actually share them here. It's gonna be fun. Tomorrow will be a cool day, but a busy one.
Saturday, on the other hand, will be slightly less busy, and I honestly kinda question how cool. I work Saturday, and afterwards I am going out with all the Borders crew for my birthday celebration with them. I have no clue where we are going or what we are doing, but I hope it is not as lame as I already am thinking it will be. I dunno. I just think it will be like any other night going out with them. Like, my birthday is just an excuse for everyone to get drunk. In fact, just in typing that sentence, I have come up with an idea of what I wanna do that night... okay, so still no idea of what I wanna do, but a part of it. I want everyone completely sober to celebrate my birthday. This is gonna be my rule for the evening. I don't care who comes or what we do or where we go... I just want no drinking to take place. Of course, this rule makes it a little difficult to actually find something to do that fits my schedule, considering I get off at 11pm. The only things open at that time are bars. I dunno... I am very gung ho about my new no drinking/no drug lifestyle. I don't wanna do it, at all. I have given myself the two drink limit, but I barely even wanna do that. Like, I still have no problem hanging out with other people while they are drinking, but for my birthday when it is supposed to be like "my night" I think I am allowed to be a bit of a diva and make silly demands of people, and this will be one of them. So it is written, and so it shall be.
I still haven't decided what I am doing for my birthday on the actual day. I have decided it is gonna be a very small event, with My Mom, Amber, Victoria, Jenn and a select few others... very few others. Like 3 or 4 people. If that. I dunno... I just want it to be small. That is all I know... I may not even end up doing anything. That sounds kinda cool right now, actually. I can just hang out with those people at home, and prolly have just as much fun as I would going out somewhere. I dunno. My birthday is weird this year. I feel differently than I have any other year. I dunno why. I do have positive feelings this year, but even more, I just kinda am apathetic to it. Like, I don't really care what happens. I didn't ask for any gifts, aside from the fucking awesome Kelly Clarkson tickets... and that is good enough for me. I just am at a point where I don't really care about new things. They aren't gonna make me happy in the long run, and even more, they aren't gonna further me or make me a better person. All I have for that is me... and that is also good enough.
I dunno if I actually wrote about this before, but if I did, I am going to again now. The no drugs/no alcohol rule I have made for myself is not the only change I am making to my life right now. I am planning on getting a gym membership, which I know I have mentioned before. I have also decided that at least once a week I am turning my cell phone off for at least 8 of my waking hours, which sounds silly, but it has never been done. Like, I use my cell phone kinda a lot, but like, I kinda feel like I have gotten to a point where I am a little too obsessive about it, so I am gonna slowly force myself into having a normal, healthy relationship with it. The biggest thing, though, is that I have decided to buy a guitar. This is gonna be my first large purchase with my new job. Not some crappy little "training wheel" guitar, either. The real thing. Then, I am gonna find someone to teach me to play it. I dunno if there are guitar instructors out there, or if I would need to get someone I know. For some reason, though, I finally have this feeling, this overwhelmingly strong feeling, that if I am actually gonna pursue this dream, the only dream I have ever truly had and held onto and the only thing that I can truly imagine myself spending the rest of my life doing, I HAVE TO do it now. I dunno what it is, but something inside me just suddenly awoke, and it just floored me with this feeling that NOW IS THE TIME. This is when I have to do it. Like, I always felt like it was okay that I wasn't really doing anything to grow towards that goal, but suddenly it is my time... I have to do it now. I have to at least try. I have to learn to write my own music, since I already do lyrics and melodies, and I have to get out there and do it. I have to go out and finally, after all of these years of dreaming, and make this dream come true... or die trying. I just know that right now... this point in my life, and this very moment, MY TIME IS NOW. I am still uncertain as to how it is all gonna go down, but the first step I am taking is buying a guitar, learning how to play it, and starting to write music to go with my lyrics, or new lyrics to go with the music I write. I dunno. I just know that this is it... it is now or never for me.
I feel like I am at a sort of crossroads. I almost feel as if I have finally tapped into a different level of my mind, that is now changing the way I view everything in my life, and giving me a strong new sense of intuition. Oddly enough, I think it may have something to do with the "Fallen Angel" I met the other night. Maybe not... actually, prolly not. Anyway, let me tell you the story, then you tell me I am crazy, then I will believe it anyway. The other night I was at work, and I went outside to smoke only to find something strange. When I got outside there was a cab in our parking lot. My work is a very tiny building, right in the middle of the mexican ghetto. A lot of strange stuff happens in that parking lot. One night my Mom came to pick me up and watched a prostitute get picked up. I keep hearing stories about the person who got killed in the parking lot across the street. Shit like that. Anyway, so this cab was there, and I could see and hear the guy inside being really loud and obnoxious to the driver, which I didn't think much of. Then the guy got out and starting walking away from our parking lot. Then, of course, he spotted me standing there smoking, and decided to come over and talk. I DO have a tendency to attract the crazies. Anyway, so this guy was really drunk and weird. He came over and started flirting with me. He was older, and prolly semi-attractive when not in a drunken stupor, but not attractive enough to actually be attracted to... but he smelled really bad. Like drunk people do. So, he comes over and starts asking me if I believe in the supernatural. I say yeah, sure I do, to a certain extent. He asks me if I believe that everything happens for a reason, and again I say yeah, sure. Then he asks me if I believe in Fallen Angels, and he looks me in the eye in a really strange intense way. This one I say, "I dunno... I guess I never really thought about it." And he keeps looking me in the eye, in this different really intense way, as if there is something I know or can see, but am denying or something like that. I dunno.. it was really weird. So, he starts talking about how everyone has problems, and how he has problems, but he's trying to fix them. I just kinda shrug it off, and give one of my generic sayings, like, "That makes sense," or "That's really good." Anyway, so then he tells me that he likes my rainbow necklace, so I automatically know where it is going. Like, I don't get hit on a lot, but when I do it always comes from somebody commenting on my necklace or my tattoo. One of the two will come into play somehow. So, as soon as he said that, I knew it was coming. He's like, "I like that a lot, cos ya know... I'm gay, too." To which I was just like, "Oh, that's cool." Then he starts touching me, which is weird. He is like really kinda copping a feel, and I am too polite to say anything, like, "Dude, stop... that's creepy." Anyway, so he finally is like ready to walk away, and he says it was really nice meeting you. So, I say it was nice meeting him, too. Then he goes in for a hug, and I'm like, whatever, so I hug him back, and even though he held it for a little longer than is appropriate when hugging a complete stranger, it's okay. It doesn't really matter to me. So, he steps back and tries to flirt a little more, to which I am completely not responding, so he's ready to walk away again, but this time he opens up his mouth all wide and goes in for a kiss, so I quickly turn my head and get a big wet one on the cheek. So, after that he pretty well got the clue, and left. It was really really strange and random. I dunno why, but I felt like it meant something. Not anything to do with him trying to make out with me or whatever, but the stuff he talked about and the way he looked at me when talking about fallen angels, and trying to fix his problems. I dunno... it was strange. I dunno. It kinda seemed like he was implying that he WAS a fallen angel. I dunno... fuck, maybe he was. Either way, I was not gonna have sex with him.
Anyway, it wasn't until after that night that this feeling came. This feeling that now is the time for me to pursue my dreams. I dunno. Like, a few weeks back, like right after I quit Borders, Victorias mom called and talked to me for like 20 minutes. I don't really know her. I met her like once or twice before, but she called and talked to me for a long time, and I just kinda dismissed most of what she said, but she said that she knew the first time she met me, before Amber or I ever met Victoria, and all of this happened in our lives, she just knew that my destiny was before me. It was right around the corner for me, and I just had to make sure that I would recognise it and accept it when it came. That kinda struck me at the time, too. I dunno. Victoria's mom, even according to Victoria, is kinda crazy. I just kinda shrugged off most of what she said, but that stuck with me. I dunno... I am a firm believer in God giving us signs in mysterious ways. I kinda think that my sign will come in the form of "crazy" people. I really think that really drunk or crazy or way too eccentric people are my prophets. All of my life they have always approached me and talked to me about really random cryptic things. I dunno... I really am beginning to think that.
Anyway, so today at work, around 5:30, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Blah blah blah, random bullshit... or so I thought. When I got outside, I checked my pockets and realised that I didn't actually bring my cigarettes out with me. So, I went back inside to get them. I was there for a minute, because some of the ladies I worked with decided to take the time to kinda make fun of me for forgetting my cigarettes when I was going outside specifically to smoke. Anyway, when I got outside, I noticed walking down the street, just getting to the corner opposite ours, David, the little goth kid who used to work at Protocol, and who I had the HUGEST crush on. I kinda stumbled upon him online recently and talked to him for a little while, exchanged numbers, etc... anyway, so by the time I got out there, he was already on the other side of the street, which would have meant that in order to actually say something to him, I woulda had to yell pretty loudly, and he woulda had to actually come back across the street to actually talk to me. In other words, it woulda been horribly inconvenient. Thing is, had I actually had my cigarettes on me the first time, I woulda been standing out there smoking in plain view when he came walking by, and had I been right there where I could see him and he could see me, I or he surely woulda said something, which woulda struck up a conversation which woulda prolly led to us talking more, yada yada yada... so I take that as a sign that he and I were simply never meant to be. Like circumstance kept it from happening, whatever "it" may have ended up being. I dunno... I think I am just gonna shut up about all of that.
Hazel Eyes Tour Set List:
(Along with what I think of it!)
Walk Away - In my ideal Kelly Clarkson show, she would open with Miss Independent and do this second, but I'm sure she's gonna pimp it out somehow to give it the impact of an opener, which it doesn't currently have, I don't think.
Miss Independent - If she does this anything like her AOL Sessions performance, it is gonna be brilliant! She really played up the elctric guitar to give it more of a rock sound to fit in with her newer, more guitar oriented stuff, and it sounded really awesome!
I Hate Myself for Losing You - Up until very recently, this was like my least favourite song on the album, but it has quickly become one of my very favourites. It is a really awesome song, with a different kinda sound. I think it fits well as the third song, too, cos' it is not too mellow, but not too hard.
Low or You Thought Wrong - Apparently she has been switching this spot up at every show. I hope hope hope that at my show she does Low, because it is such a great song, and has for so long been so very personal to me through different times in my life that hearing it live would be absolutely amazing. I might cry.
What's Up Lonely - I was surprised that this one even made the tour. I never really liked this song. It is an alright song, but I used to always skip it anytime I listened to the album, cos' to me it just seemed so much weaker than the rest of the album. It was written by Diane Warren, and just having that name attatched will make anything seem a little better. I dunno... I just hope she rocks this one out, too.
The Trouble with Love Is - I really am hoping that she doesn't stick to the original version of this song, cos' it will totally not fit into the show. The original version of this song is wonderful, but it has much too much of an r & b type sound to not throw off the show... I think.
Addicted - I fucking love this song, and imagine it will rock ass live!
Because of You - This song is really beautiful, and I think that this one live might make me cry, as well, cos' it is such an emotional song, and I can relate to it so much.
I'm Moving On - Awwww Kelly doing a Rascall Flatts cover... these people are very popular these days, and I am not sure why. I think I may need to pick up one of their albums and find out. I really liked that song that Carrie Underwood covered on American Idol, and I really really like Kelly doing this one, too.
Why - AHHHHHH! I sooo am gonna cry when she does this one live. It is a cover of the classic Annie Lennox song, "Why," and I think Kelly does an amazing job with it.
Gone - Heh. I love this song, and imagine it will be awesome live.
You Found Me - This is my favourite song on the album, and I really can't wait to see it played live. Kelly is such an amazing vocalist, but never seemed to have much stage presence on AI, but I am willing to bet she has some now, and I think this performance will have to be all about that.
Where is Your Heart - This seemed a little odd in this position, cos' it is another slow song, like 2 songs after the little section of slow songs... unless she is speeding it up. I dunno. Still, putting these in terms of a disc in this order, I think it could work out pretty well.
Come Here - SOOOOO excited! This is a brand new, yet-to-be-released track! I am always glad to hear new songs by Kelly, like "Don't" which she debuted at the last show of her last tour.
Behind These Hazel Eyes - FUCK YEAH! I cannot wait for this one! It is gonna be awesome, whether she does the slowed down acoustic version, (which I doubt,) or the fully amped-up album version, this song is amazing and will be amazing live no matter what!
Beautiful Disaster - I am sure she will end up doing the simply piano and vocal version of this song, which may also make me cry because it is so beautiful, and such a depressing song, and you almost missed that in the regular first album version of it, but when they stripped it down for the live shows, it was amazing!
Hear Me - This song is awesome, and I can imagine being a really emotional performance.
Since U Been Gone - I dunno what to think of this song live. Like, it is an awesome song, but I am having trouble picturing a large staged performance of it. I am sure whatever she does will be awesome, but I just am having trouble trying to think of how she might do it.
Breakaway - No matter how many times I cry at this concert, this time will definitely do it again. Breakaway is such a great song, and I can't imagine anyone not being taken in by it and relating to it soo much.
Alright, so I am gonna stop being a girl, and stop squeeing about my imagined concert experience, so I can go to sleep, wake up and be that much closer to my actual concert experience! I cannot wait! This is gonna be awesome, and y'all know I am gonna end up writing about it in here! Until then...
Jason