(no subject)
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not ok, I'm done pretending
Body: Over the past week or so it has become painfully clear to me that there is something wrong with me that's not just going to go away. It's not something that is going to be cured with happy thoughts and meditation. So much of my frustration stems from my inability to accurately communicate what's going on in my head. I thought the doctors were full of crap when they diagnosed me with aspergers syndrome and
schizotypal
personality disorder
, but I'm not so sure any more. I'm not in a stable frame of mind right now and I know that the best course of action would be to get back on medication, but without medical insurance that's not really an option. Which leaves me to sit here fighting a battle in my mind that there is no hope of me ever winning. I was on meds from kindergarten all the way past highschool, and to be honest I don't like having to rely on a pill to make my brain work correctly. I will admit that there is a problem on the organic level, but it goes deeper than that. I see things that nobody else sees, and I hear things that nobody else hears most of which I keep to myself so as not to appear "crazy". I can't explain these things, no matter how hard I try. It's like a fucked up movie playing over and over again in my mind. I want to change the reel and put on something other than the science fiction that's currently playing. I'm constantly playing around with my own perception of reality, and it's starting to bite me in the ass. This is only a small part of what's going on, the rest of it I'm not even going to try and put in to words because at this point, words are moot. I'm sending this transmission through the ether in hopes that something out there in the ethernet will take notice and come to my aid. I'm tired of living inside a world of one, and I want out.
Josh
Body: Over the past week or so it has become painfully clear to me that there is something wrong with me that's not just going to go away. It's not something that is going to be cured with happy thoughts and meditation. So much of my frustration stems from my inability to accurately communicate what's going on in my head. I thought the doctors were full of crap when they diagnosed me with aspergers syndrome and
schizotypal
personality disorder
, but I'm not so sure any more. I'm not in a stable frame of mind right now and I know that the best course of action would be to get back on medication, but without medical insurance that's not really an option. Which leaves me to sit here fighting a battle in my mind that there is no hope of me ever winning. I was on meds from kindergarten all the way past highschool, and to be honest I don't like having to rely on a pill to make my brain work correctly. I will admit that there is a problem on the organic level, but it goes deeper than that. I see things that nobody else sees, and I hear things that nobody else hears most of which I keep to myself so as not to appear "crazy". I can't explain these things, no matter how hard I try. It's like a fucked up movie playing over and over again in my mind. I want to change the reel and put on something other than the science fiction that's currently playing. I'm constantly playing around with my own perception of reality, and it's starting to bite me in the ass. This is only a small part of what's going on, the rest of it I'm not even going to try and put in to words because at this point, words are moot. I'm sending this transmission through the ether in hopes that something out there in the ethernet will take notice and come to my aid. I'm tired of living inside a world of one, and I want out.
Josh