so saturday
so saturday night i came home from work to a completely different life.
my mother is home now & i am really happy that my world is somewhat more normal. however, listening to the woman who gave birth & raised me say she didn't know who i was hurt. my mother didn't know anybody, but when we asked her if she felt afraid, she said she was okay & comfortable.
sunday my mother was still pretty fuzzy but getting better.
monday was insane. my grandparents & aunt denise brought a bunch of food & spent some time with mommy. i spent a lot of time wearing one those fake smiles that make me feel like i am stretching my skin off my face.
as my sister & i were psyching natalie up for a trip to wal-mart/target/the mall, my grandma started acting very strange. she called me danielle. she stared. she hardly spoke. grandma refused to go to the hospital, but when she said this happened a few weeks ago, we forced her to. yesterday she was still at mercy.
she had a stroke right in front of us.
the weird thing is she told me two weeks ago that she didn't want to live to see one of her daughters die before her.
& she had a dream her mother was waving to her.
that's not all. my sister had a missed call from my father a few hours later. she handed me the phone.
p-daddy: kim? where are you? can you come straight home?
kimi: oh no, what's wrong?
p-daddy: don't worry- mommy's fine. i broke my toe & i need someone to stay with my mommy when i bend it back.
well, he couldn't fix it. the pain is unbearable, but he can't go to the hospital. he's under the impression that if he has a cast, hospice won't let him stay with mom.
it's tough seeing my hero cry.
there was a bright spot in my day.
when my sister asked mom "who bought you these earrings?", & heard, "aunt dot", we jumped for joy.
yesterday my mother was AMAZING. she knew everybody. i was lying in my bed a few minutes after i woke up, & i heard, "IS KIM HERE?!"!!! she wished my sister a happy birthday. she recognized nolan, cat & caity. she recited my grandma's phone number to the hospice social worker. she laughed.
sometimes, though, it's those good days that make me feel worse. i smile for real, but behind the immediate ecstacy is long-term pain, and the knowledge that leading oncologists believe that in 24-32 days, my mother won't even be breathing.
i decided i'm going to blog more often because my days are running together, & i'm losing touch with reality.