Neverending Math Equation
"I didn't know what came before or after, and I didn't have proof, but I needed to believe that, ultimately, the day-to-day struggle would amount to something." (NEME Ch 17)
People keep asking me why, after years of skipping, I'm observing Lent this year. The only answer I really have is that I have no answer.
There are a couple of things that factored into it. First, while I may not be a practicing anything, my faith is as strong as it ever was. The more I learn about myself and the world around me, the more I truly feel like this isn't just some random series of events. I need for this to not be a random series of events. If this is all there is, what's the point? If I truly believed there was nothing beyond this, I'd have killed myself at the first sign of trouble. The first bout of depression.
I probably would not have made it past my first year here in DC.
That faith paints me as naive to some. It paints me as too idealistic to others. To me, it just paints me the sad, scared little girl I am, because I fully admit I don't know what's out there. I don't know what the ultimate truth is. I'll always be looking for that, because I have never been the type to accept something just because someone tells me to. And, more than anything, it shows that even when I'm terrified I am strong, because I won't give up.
Beyond that, why Lent? Well, for starters, the sacrifice is good for me, even if it is something silly like giving up swear words. I know it sounds ridiculous to everyone that I'm trying not to cuss, but it's actually proven to be a really good choice. The year I gave up candy, every time I reached for a piece I had a moment where I could make myself pause. Cursing has become such an involuntary response within me that they seem to just slip out. It's been less than a week and I've already seen a marked improvement in that pattern, though last night I let a few fly on purpose (because what I was saying was important enough I needed him to notice, especially after he saw me hit myself all night for saying lesser swears).
Anyway. The other thing I like about lent is the food denial and fasting. It's a reminder that there are people in the world who go without each and every single day. For someone like me, who has rarely gone without things I wanted, much less needed, this is important to me.
I haven't talked much about my trip to Egypt because frankly it changed me. I saw people who have so little fighting so hard, and it made me feel so selfish for the life I've led. I'm taking steps to correct that, but Lent is kind of one thing from my past I brought back in a way to remind me of the suffering and sacrifice of the world. And it's not like we had any bad things happen to us in Egypt (apart from being delayed in returning and not seeing Cairo, which is nothing in comparison to how it could have been), but I've been watching the world through a veil ever since. It's time I reattach myself to the world, I think.
And that's utterly terrifying.
People keep asking me why, after years of skipping, I'm observing Lent this year. The only answer I really have is that I have no answer.
There are a couple of things that factored into it. First, while I may not be a practicing anything, my faith is as strong as it ever was. The more I learn about myself and the world around me, the more I truly feel like this isn't just some random series of events. I need for this to not be a random series of events. If this is all there is, what's the point? If I truly believed there was nothing beyond this, I'd have killed myself at the first sign of trouble. The first bout of depression.
I probably would not have made it past my first year here in DC.
That faith paints me as naive to some. It paints me as too idealistic to others. To me, it just paints me the sad, scared little girl I am, because I fully admit I don't know what's out there. I don't know what the ultimate truth is. I'll always be looking for that, because I have never been the type to accept something just because someone tells me to. And, more than anything, it shows that even when I'm terrified I am strong, because I won't give up.
Beyond that, why Lent? Well, for starters, the sacrifice is good for me, even if it is something silly like giving up swear words. I know it sounds ridiculous to everyone that I'm trying not to cuss, but it's actually proven to be a really good choice. The year I gave up candy, every time I reached for a piece I had a moment where I could make myself pause. Cursing has become such an involuntary response within me that they seem to just slip out. It's been less than a week and I've already seen a marked improvement in that pattern, though last night I let a few fly on purpose (because what I was saying was important enough I needed him to notice, especially after he saw me hit myself all night for saying lesser swears).
Anyway. The other thing I like about lent is the food denial and fasting. It's a reminder that there are people in the world who go without each and every single day. For someone like me, who has rarely gone without things I wanted, much less needed, this is important to me.
I haven't talked much about my trip to Egypt because frankly it changed me. I saw people who have so little fighting so hard, and it made me feel so selfish for the life I've led. I'm taking steps to correct that, but Lent is kind of one thing from my past I brought back in a way to remind me of the suffering and sacrifice of the world. And it's not like we had any bad things happen to us in Egypt (apart from being delayed in returning and not seeing Cairo, which is nothing in comparison to how it could have been), but I've been watching the world through a veil ever since. It's time I reattach myself to the world, I think.
And that's utterly terrifying.