I disconnect my heart, my head....
I woke up this morning feeling so nauseous and unable to open my eyes. I couldn't tell if it was from all the alcohol I drank last night or that I had been so sad that my stomach was literally turning inside and out. and maybe all the mascara that was...dampened? (is that even a word?) glued my eyelashes together. either way I'm sure they all played their part. have you ever felt like youve always been trying when everyone else never is? or maybe its just that no one has to. I'd love to say I'm not one for complaining, but this past year, its become second nature to me. I'd give anything to go back to 2 years ago when I was legitamitly happy. its like my mom said, "you've always been too happy for that" I wish that would still hold true. I don't know where along these lines I became really fucking weak and allow things to get to me like they do. hiding between cars and crying in parking lots is not who I am nor who I want to be.
last night I lost the one escape I had. the one that made me not worry about a single thing. I mean, the person is there but that outlet is gone. if that makes any sense at all. its just really fucking hard to realize that if shit gets rough, you're stuck. there's no better wording for it then stuck. who the fuck wants to be stuck? having to pull yourself out of one of the only things that seemed okay at the time and with knowing its a lot easier for them then you, fucking sucks. rewind to, "have you ever felt like youve always been trying when everyone else never is". don't get me wrong, the reasoning and the doubts and the thought process makes sense. I've heard them before, but it makes sense.
we've always been taught to fight for things you want, but how long does the battle go on until you realize some things you want...might not be what they want or what you need? after awhile you just feel like you're talking just to hear yourself talk. talk is cheap when the one who was listening, stops.
god, I'm so tired of talking.
last night I lost the one escape I had. the one that made me not worry about a single thing. I mean, the person is there but that outlet is gone. if that makes any sense at all. its just really fucking hard to realize that if shit gets rough, you're stuck. there's no better wording for it then stuck. who the fuck wants to be stuck? having to pull yourself out of one of the only things that seemed okay at the time and with knowing its a lot easier for them then you, fucking sucks. rewind to, "have you ever felt like youve always been trying when everyone else never is". don't get me wrong, the reasoning and the doubts and the thought process makes sense. I've heard them before, but it makes sense.
we've always been taught to fight for things you want, but how long does the battle go on until you realize some things you want...might not be what they want or what you need? after awhile you just feel like you're talking just to hear yourself talk. talk is cheap when the one who was listening, stops.
god, I'm so tired of talking.