A Day at Disney [RP with Summers_grey
OOC: Isobel and Rachel spend the day together, and Isobel figures something out about Rachel and Nathaniel that they probably don't know yet. They're idiots, and they belong together, and Isobel is just going to have to deal with her mopey boss and her friend being miserable until they figure it out.
But there has to be emo!fighting first. And Isobel has strong opinions, and is very. protective. of her boss.
Rachel hopped of the monorail and jogged to the MGM entrance. She was a little tired. Out again late last night. Too many drinks. But it was the only thing that made her not have to cry all the time. Rachel glanced around for Izzy. God, I really hope I don't fall apart all over her, Rachel thought. Like the other day with Anna. Rachel sighed, still unable to find Izzy in the crowd. Screw SHIELD, and screw this, she thought.
*Izzy? You here?*
Isobel was a few feet away, watching Rachel. She was suddenly, paralyzingly unable to make herself go forward and meet her friend. And the reason was Dr. Essex. Isobel knew how angry and unhappy he was. It was really strange to see her boss, the unemotional supervillain, being as emo as a teenager. Then again, he was new to having emotions. Maybe that was his level? Who knew. All she knew was that she was mad at Rachel and didn't want to be.
Go talk to her. She's your friend.
*Over here! God, this place is nuts.* Isobel waved jauntily. *Here I am!* Her smile was not exactly forced, but it wasn't exactly as genuine as she would have liked.
Rachel walked over. She moved to hug Izzy hello, but stopped awkwardly. Izzy was still mad at her. She hid it well, but Rachel could tell.
"Well, you're looking great!" Rachel said with a small smile. She was glad the sunglasses hid her eyes. "Do you know where in here you want to go?" she asked. Hoping for some sort of normalcy.
"I totally want to go on the Tower of Terror," Isobel said, then she suddenly threw her arms around Rachel. "God, Ray. I'm glad to see you. I'm sorry. About being mad? I am. But," Isobel said, talking really quickly, "I don't want to be? Gosh, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, Rachel." Isobel started sniffling.
Rachel held on tight. Willing herself to not start crying. "'M really really glad to see you," she said, her voice muffled against her friend's hair. "I was worried I wouldn't ever get the chance to." She held on for a moment, then pulled away slightly.
"I don't know how to be around you? Because you're mad?" Rachel bit her lip, chewing on it. "I know I'm weird about it, and I'm sorry. Just, Izzy, if we're still friends? Just don't lie to me about it? Or about anything? Tell me you're mad and I'll learn to live with it. I just -- I can't handle any more people lying to me right now."
"Sweetie," Isobel said, eyes brimming with tears, "I've never had friends to even be mad at. And I--I just wish--" she shook her head, linking her arm in Rachel's. "You're my friend no matter what. I guess I just realized...this may sound nuts, okay, and I can't believe I'm saying it, but...he's my friend, too. I think. I guess I, um, think of him that way? I know how hurt he is, and I--you should have talked to him. But you didn't. And I can get over it, I promise." She smiled sheepishly. "I'm just so glad to see you!"
"I'm glad to see you, too," Rachel said as they walked towards the Tower of Terror. "I'm glad you and he are friends. Honestly. But, Izzy -- what could I have said to him in person? I mean? How would that have been any better? We would have just yelled. This -- it's easier."
Isobel turned, surprised. "Sure, it'd be easier. For you. You know, I know he's a bad man, okay? But also? He's done absolutely nothing wrong, Rachel. Not since he met you. Probably not for a long time before that. I'm not saying...it's not an excuse. But, um. You're...you two had a--a thing." She was tripping over her words, unable to say what she really wanted to. It was hard to make the words come out. She took a deep breath. "I think you should have told him, even if you both yelled. I don't think he deserved what you did."
Rachel stopped short. "It's not about him!" she yelled, startling them both and everyone around them. "It was never about him! God!" Rachel turned to face Izzy, lowering her voice only a little. "I've been telling you that all along, it's not about what he wants, or how he, he feels --" Rachel wiped the tears from her face, her hands shaking. "And I'm not mad at you or him and I don't know why I'm yelling at you! Goddammit!"
She spun, blindly, and walked a couple steps away before stumbling. Rachel wrapped her arms around herself tightly, trying to stop crying. Izzy didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to have Rachel's crap dumped on her.
Isobel walked over to Rachel. She did not like confrontation, and she never had. Words got trapped in her throat and it was hard to say things. But Isobel was protective. And she did not like things that were illogical. She grabbed Rachel's arm--not too hard, but hard enough--and pulled her around. "Okay, that's bullshit, Rachel. That man is in love with you. And you know it. And you know something?" She was angry, now. "You're mean to him because you think that's okay. He's evil, so you can totally disregard how he feels. Good god, Rachel, you gave him his emotions back and then you stomped all over them and you act all put out because he's upset?"
She shook her friend again. "I know you're going to freak out or whatever, but you have got to stop it. I've never seen someone fight themselves so hard in my life. Rachel, I know I'm not a mutant and I don't have your past but I do know what it's like to feel unwanted. I know what it's like to be unable to talk and say the words and make people hear you. I know what it's like to open up to someone and have them throw it your face." Isobel was crying now. "I don't understand you. I don't understand how you can hurt him so much. God, did you really not care about him at all?"
Rachel let Izzy shake her. Let Izzy's words slap against her face. "I am an awful person to be close to," she said when Izzy had slowed. "I wanted to be close to someone who wouldn't be hurt by me. Who wouldn't care about me. Who I wouldn't care about." Rachel pulled Izzy close, hugging her. "I liked him," she whispered. "That was the first problem. Then I wanted him. Then I cared about him. So I tried to help him. Give him something. And he loves me. And my whole plan fell apart."
People were staring openly at them. Some worried. Some irritated. A few thought the hot red-heads should make out.
"So I left, everything I tried to do now a mess around us both," she continued in a whisper. "And now I want him back so badly I can't bear to be in the room next to him. Everything I meant to do, I screwed it all up. Do you see, do you understand, why I can't be around people? Do you see how everything I do falls apart?"
"God, sweetie. Honey." Isobel wrapped her arms around Rachel. She held her tight. Rachel was trembling, in her arms. "You're hard not to love, Rachel. I know you don't believe that. But you are. I wish you would focus on all the great things about you, instead of this nonsense that you shouldn't be around people. It's too bad, because people love you and want you around. Anna. Me. Dr. Essex. You can't stop how we feel about you."
Isobel stroked Rachel's hair lightly. "Sweetie, you have got to stop living your life for other people. You deserve to be happy. If he makes you happy, why are you fighting it so hard?"
"Because I'm -- " Rachel stopped. Because I care about him and don't want to hurt him.
"Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I -- I care about him." Rachel paused. "And, I don't know what that means, to stop living my life for other people. I mean. I don't have anything else really."
"You have you. And your happiness. This is your life. Just yours. Everyone else will live theirs. You have to do it, too." Isobel wouldn't let go of Rachel. "And honey, you did hurt him. And he still loves you." Something became very clear, then, to Isobel. Rachel had to leave Dr. Essex. She had to leave him, so she could come back. This time, because she cared about him and wanted to be with him. Not just what it was he did to her body.
She suddenly felt loads better. And Nathaniel, he had to want her because he loved her, not just for whatever weird reason he'd wanted her in the first place. Well. For something other than sex.
God, did they have to be so dramatic about it?
Isobel kept hugging Rachel, rubbing her back. Thinking. They're both broken. Rachel thinks being in love means dying for someone. Dr. Essex thinks if he loves someone they'll die. God. They are made for each other. "Did you think maybe you should talk to him about this?"
"No," Rachel said, leaning against Izzy again. Into the welcome touch and comfort. "I can't think of what I could say. I hurt him, and I would do it again, so apologies seem wrong. I don't want to get back together with him. And I don't hate him. I'm not mad at him. Well," she amended. "Except for scaring me in the hall. I'm kind of mad about that."
Rachel held on to Izzy for a while longer. "Should -- should we go do the rides, now? If you still want to?"
Isobel wanted to ask her how that worked, when Rachel had always liked the way Dr. Essex scared her. And she didn't believe Rachel one bit, that she didn't want to be back with Dr. Essex. But this would have to happen when it was time. Isobel suddenly wanted to call Dr. Essex and tell him not to worry. But then again--hell, getting in the middle of this was a bad idea. "Of course I want to go on the rides. I'm so excited to go on the Tower of Terror! Raven said she'd only come here with me if it was really scary. But I think her definition of scary and mine are different."
Rachel giggled at the thought. "I think if you let her hold a knife to you on the ride? You'd be scared enough to entertain her." Rachel pulled Izzy along. "C'mon." She glanced over her shoulder. "Still friends?"
"That is a good idea!" Isobel said, grinning. "My girlfriend is demented. But hot. God, so hot. Anyway! Yes, let's go. And of course we're still friends." She smiled and ruffled Rachel's hair.
She wanted to tell Rachel about her parents. What they'd said, a few weeks ago. When Isobel had finally told them she was a lesbian. But it seemed like the line of Tower of Terror was not the place.
*****
They had lunch in a movie-themed 1950's diner. Excited, Isobel ordered a chili cheeseburger, onion rings, a cherry coke, and a chocolate shake. "So. Are you at least having fun? Um. I mean, Dr. Essex is miserable, but Mystique and I are having fun? Er, she...so she thinks fun is horrifying small children by flashing fangs at them, but you know. She likes the teacup ride, did you know this? I mean, she pretends she doesn't but I can tell she really liked it. She kept saying we were going to make out but that was like, the one ride we didn't actually do that on." Isobel sipped at her Cherry Coke. Her hands were still shaking from the Tower of Terror. They had ridden it four times in a row.
"I -- I am, I think?" Rachel had a burger and large coffee. She really didn't want to tell Izzy how she was spending her time. Too much crying, for one thing. And then, then there was the other stuff. Like the fact that I think I'm going even crazier. But for all that -- "Yeah. There's been some fun," she repeated.
Rachel sipped her coffee. "You -- you know your girlfriend keeps saying she's going to kill me, right? I don't take it that hard, I mean -- she says she'll do it if I hurt Anna." She shrugged. "Can't really argue with that."
"My girlfriend...she threatens to kill a lot of people? Um. She really does. It's...she just does that." Isobel studied Rachel. She didn't look very happy. It made Isobel sad that she couldn't see what she needed to do, but Rachel had to figure it out on her own. "She's been...in a good mood. She's so funny. And sometimes, when I think she thinks I'm not paying attention, she...acts different. Nicer. Um. Not really nice? But yeah, there's someone there. Someone beneath the death threats. I like her."
Isobel looked down at her plate. "I--I told my parents. About--about Raven. Well, not her, so much as. Um. The idea of her? It didn't...it didn't go very well."
Rachel put her cup down and leaned forward. "Hey," she said softly. "Hey, Izzy -- tell me about it?"
"So, um. I--they kind of know? About what I do. And they saw the press. About the Fifty-States Initiative. They know Dr. Essex has a...past. But it's the PC version SHIELD sent out to the press. They were going to come visit. And I--my mom. She asked me, 'So, Izzy, are you dating anyone?' and I said, 'Actually, yeah.' And then my mom asked, 'What's his name?'"
Isobel toyed with an onion ring. "What's his name. His name. God, Rachel, my parents? They don't know anything about me. So I said, 'Raven', and my mom? She goes--" Isobel laughed harshly, shaking her head. "Is that some kind of Goth boy, honey?" And like, I was going to wait. To explain in person. But I just...blurted it out. 'No, it's a she. I'm a lesbian, mom.'" Isobel raised her head. "And my mom? She kept on talking. Like I hadn't said anything. And when I tried to bring it up, she just...didn't want to hear."
Rachel blinked. "Like, she didn't hear you at all? Like, just talked over you? That's awful!" Rachel reached out and held Izzy's hand.
"That's like -- like it erases you. While you're standing there. Not even seeing you, just seeing what she wants. Oh, Izzy," Rachel said. "I'm so sorry."
"That's exactly what it's like. So I...I asked her if I could tell my dad. And my mom goes, 'honey, I don't know why you'd want to do a thing like that.' And then, Ray, when I wanted to see if they were coming down? My mom, she said..." this was the part, the hard part, the one that had made her cry. She'd been wanting to talk to someone about it, but there hadn't been time. There was the thing with Rachel, and Dr. Essex, and then the trip. "She said maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Until. Um. I got my head on straight."
She trembled a smile. "She said that. Head on straight. Straight. Just like that."
"Oh, hell with that!" Rachel said. She scooted around the table to sit next to her friend and hugged her. Tight. "I won't say anything nasty about your parents. They're your parents, and you love them, even when they are obvious idiots. But even the best people in the world, the ones we admire and love, even they screw shit up. And your mom is screwing this up." Rachel held on as Izzy started crying, turning and holding on to Rachel. Hiding her face.
"You mom loves you, even if she's showing it all wrong. She probably thinks you're doing something dangerous, and she wants to protect you. She's an idiot."
Rachel stopped. That sounded familiar.
Wait.
Oh, god. That's what Anna keeps telling me. Rachel sat, slightly stunned. Oh my god. And why the hell is it this shit looks so much easier when it is someone else? Can someone explain that to me? Jesus Christ! Rachel held Izzy and glared at some friendly servers with looks of concern of their faces.
Anna is going to laugh at me when I tell her about this.
"But just because she's being an idiot," Rachel said, with an awareness of the irony involved, "it doesn't mean you are wrong."
Isobel nodded slowly. "Yeah. I know. It just hurts. I've always been a disappointment. Always. My mom wanted me to be an artist. One time I heard her say, when I was younger, that if she could have changed anything at all in her life? She would have gone to California, instead of Cape Canaveral." Isobel gave a somewhat harsh laugh. "Maybe now she'll have a different answer."
Isobel smiled weakly. "I didn't even tell them what my girlfriend does for a living, and they already hate her. Hey, see, we could have had that in common."
Isobel put her head down on the table and cried. It was nice. She hadn't had time to do this.
Hell with SHIELD, Rachel thought, and hid her and Izzy from the crowd using her telepathy. She rubbed Izzy's back, the way Anna did for her when she was crying. Anna, the irony here is killing me, she thought as she started to speak. "She shouldn't have said that. She was wrong to say that, Izzy."
"I can't do anything right. Ever." Isobel looked up, suddenly embarrassed. "God, Ray. I'm--I'm sorry. I, um. Got over the thing with my parents a while ago? About the whole smart thing. Er. The science. I just had to do what made me happy." She put her head on Rachel's shoulder. "And I'll do that now. See, hon, I don't--my parents are wrong, and I know it. And if I did what they wanted, lived my life for them? I'd be miserable. I wouldn't be dating Raven, who I--I love her, Rachel--and I wouldn't be doing what I love to do. It's worth it, to me, because I'm happy. And they might not, you know, get that? Because they don't see how that could make me happy? But I do it because I'm a better daughter if...I'm true to myself. Or something. God. Maybe it's my excuse for sleeping with hot girls." She smiled up at Rachel. "Does that make sense?"
Rachel smiled back. "That -- yeah. That makes sense." She laughed. "Don't tell Anna I said that, okay?"
Isobel grinned. "Okay. Oh, Anna! I hope I get to see her. I like her. She's great." Isobel sipped her chocolate shake. "Thanks for letting me, um. Cry? I guess I need to tell Raven. I'm just...worried she'll want to kill my parents? She's kind of protective. It's cute, but um. You know." She brightened, mood lifting with typical mercurial speed. "I guess-you know that Bea came to visit, right?"
Rachel sat back on her side of the table with her drink, picking at her food. "Yeah, she told me, finally." She looked up, a half-smile on her face. "Not like I could get angry, right? So, how was it?"
"Oh, she's really great. Really...you know, I can tell she's related to you? And, weirdly--this doesn't make any sense--she almost acts as if she is related to Dr. Essex. I mean, I don't think that counts, kids of clones, but what the hell do I know? Anyway, they got along. They watched a movie. He bought her a car." Isobel giggled. "He informed me that he wasn't going to send her back on the greyhound because the people were--what did he say?" Isobel affected a British accent and pitched her voice low. "Isobel, those cretins are hardly fit company for Beatrice to travel with on the coach back to New York City." She rolled her eyes. "Anyone else would have just said, bunch of creepy motherfuckers or something. I've never heard him cuss, except..."
She bit her lip. "Okay, when he was drunk? After, ah, your email? He said bloody like six million times. Seriously. And he was totally flailing around and being, like, not a supervillain. It was a bit weird." She didn't want to remind Rachel of unhappy things. "But Bea, yeah, she's awesome. So...she has no concept at all that she shouldn't really like Dr. Essex. And she does. Like, I almost thought she had a crush on him? Which, I know, right? Weird? But I think she...I think she wants a dad, maybe."
"He does say things oddly," Rachel said, smiling. "It's pretty cute." She picked up her burger and began eating it. "I know Bea will hear no wrong against him. I hope he doesn't let her down. I think . . . " Rachel chewed for a minute, thoughtfully. "I think he won't. Let her down. I think he likes women who aren't afraid of him, and who won't let him hide away from his life." Rachel stared past Izzy, completely unaware of how she might look. "He hides too much, and he loves the surprise of feeling alive . . . "
Which is why he loves you, you dolt. Isobel studied Rachel very carefully. She looked...her face was softened by something. She looked...peaceful. Almost loving. Oh, God. Why were the two of them putting themselves through this misery? Isobel wished she could force Rachel to see the look on her own face at the moment. "Beatrice is fond of him. He's fond of her." This is not what Isobel wanted to say. But forcing the issue would make Rachel mad. Maybe she'd just try and remind Rachel of the nice things. About Dr. Essex.
Well. Um. Maybe she couldn't do that, exactly.
"So, your mom. How is she? I mean, you've seen her, right? Here? Is that...is that okay?"
Rachel shrugged. "She's really happy with Tony," Rachel said. "Why shouldn't she be? She got what she wanted. Though not how she wanted it."
"That bad, huh?" Isobel winced. "Parents suck sometimes. Ugh. I'm sorry. You know, my issues are making me a sucky friend. You know, Rachel...it's okay, right? For you to be mad at her?"
"That's what everyone says," Rachel replied. She pushed her food away. As she did, she had the unreal feeling hit again. It was worst when she talked about Jean. She'd noticed that. Jean, or Nathaniel. Rachel looked at her hands. They weren't hers. Her arms weren't hers. She was floating behind some stranger's body.
The feeling left as fast as it had hit. Rachel hoped Izzy hadn't noticed anything odd. She wrapped her arms around herself. She was shaking a little.
"Why would I be mad at her?"
Isobel was finally able to see past being angry at Rachel, and upset with her parents. "Honey," she said in a quiet voice, "Honey, what is the matter?"
Rachel looked completely and utterly blank, for a moment. Far away. The way she looked sometimes, when she first showed up in Savannah. Isobel was frightened. That wasn't good. Rachel was literally shutting down in front of her. Isobel bit her lip. She's nowhere near as together as she's pretending to be. "Come back," Isobel said quietly. She didn't know how to make Rachel do that, how to make the vacant look in her eyes go away.
Dr. Essex did. But he wasn't here. Isobel couldn't hurt Rachel. She didn't know what to do. "Rachel?"
"Mmh-hmm?" Rachel replied, blinking. "I'm here," she said. "Why, why would I be mad at Jean?" she repeated. Pretending nothing was wrong. She pulled her feet up on the seat and wrapped her arms around her legs. "She only wants what's best for me, and for everyone, right?"
Isobel blinked. "No," she said bluntly. "I mean, she probably wants what she thinks is best, but uh, that doesn't mean it is." Isobel didn't know a lot about Jean Grey, but she did know that she and Raven were constantly at odds. And that Mystique really liked messing with the woman's head and, ah, other body parts. Which Isobel was not so fond of. But that wasn't Rachel's fault. "Hon, you know...the people you love? They're not perfect. They're not always right. So if you think they're not right? It's not like you're betraying them."
Isobel was very worried. "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want?"
Rachel chewed on her lip, staring at the table.
*She was trying to die,* she sent, finally. Feeling somehow like she was betraying Jean by telling. *She hugged me and tried to kill herself. To help me.*
"But I guess that doesn't matter," she continued out loud. "It didn't work. The Phoenix got fixed anyway. It's all fine. She's happy. I can't be mad at her for that." Rachel realized her lip was bleeding a little, and stopped gnawing on it.
"What the hell?" Isobel, shocked, stared at Rachel. "I can be mad at my mom for not being thrilled I'm dating a girl, but you can't be mad at yours for trying to kill herself in front of you for your own good?" She was angry. "And this is the person you think you should let tell you how to live your life? I'm sorry, but Rachel...I don't get your family. Dying is not how you prove you love someone." Isobel was trembling. "You do that by living and being happy. So, yeah. Be glad she's happy. But I'd be pissed she did that."
Something made sense. No wonder Rachel thought being in love meant you had to die for someone. God. "It does matter. Don't you think...you feel bad, don't you," Isobel said flatly. "You feel bad that you're mad at her. So, in order to feel less guilty, you did the one thing you thought would make her the happiest and broke up with Dr. Essex, because she hates him. She was going to sacrifice her life, for you, so you sacrificed your happiness for her."
Izzy was talking. Rachel could hear what she was saying, but distantly. "It's not-" she began, her voice breaking. "I --"
*Yes.*
Rachel's vision tunneled in. She could see her napkin, crumpled on the table. Her pulse was very loud in her ears. She couldn't hear Izzy anymore. She sat as still as she could, a tight ball curled on her chair, trying to not do anything that would scare her friend.
"But she didn't die," Isobel said quietly, scooting over to put her arm around Rachel. "And she didn't want to, honey. She wanted to live. That's what she wants you to do, too. And I don't think she wants you to be like this. Also? That's a goddamn horrible thing to do, and it's okay to think that." Isobel was trying not to be angry at Jean, but all she could think of was that Jean had done it on purpose, knowing her daughter, to get Rachel away from Dr. Essex.
No. That's not true. Think logically. "You're both alive, Rachel. Alive. And you have to live. Look at me, please, Rachel," Isobel pleaded, scared, unsure how to make Rachel respond. "I--I'll--do you--you have to--please," she begged, worried and teary-eyed from fear. "I'll call Dr. Essex. Do you want me to call him? I don't know how to get you out of this, please, please look at me."
Rachel summoned all her strength of will and leaned on Izzy. As she did, Izzy held her tightly. That let Rachel breathe, a deep ragged gasp. She swallowed and unclenched her hands from her arms. Breathed again. Her pulse got quieter, and she could hear Izzy's voice. Scared.
"No, 's'okay," she said. "Don't call him. I'm okay."
Rachel leaned into Izzy's arm, trembling. She opened her eyes. The tunnel was gone. Good. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wouldn't do that to you if I could stop it. I'm sorry." She uncurled, putting her feet down. Tried for a normal tone of voice. "Thanks. Very much. Yeah." Rachel smiled a little at Izzy. "I think Jean doesn't care if I'm like this or not."
That's not fair, Rachel thought. She asked. You lied.
"And anyway, if she does care," Rachel added, "I don't want to tell her anyway. I mean -- she shouldn't have to deal with the mess I make. I don't know . . . "
"Uh, Ray? Hon, she's your mom. And by trying not to make a mess..." Isobel stopped herself. Rachel wasn't better. She was pretending, because she didn't want Isobel to call Dr. Essex. "I just want you to be happy, Ray. If you're happier without him, then I'll be sad because I think you're so good for him, but it's your choice. But if you're making yourself miserable to please someone else, then...yeah, I can't get behind that. And um, maybe that sounds mean? But I love you, Ray, and I want you to be happy. And you're not." She kissed Rachel on the top of the head, keeping the other girl close to her. Rachel was tense. She was as unhappy as Dr. Essex.
They were both idiots. But Isobel cared about them both. And they would find their way back together, she was sure of it.
Who else would put up with the two of them? Isobel smiled. "You should have some of my chocolate shake. It's totally going to melt."
"We can't have that," Rachel said, accepting the glass from Izzy. "That is good, yeah." She gave the shake back and took a long breath, brushing her hair back from her face. "So, were we going to finish the park? If -- If you're still interested, I'd really like that." And if Izzy had had enough of her, Rachel would find a pool and a bar and spend her afternoon not thinking. Anna wouldn't like that plan, she thought quietly. Oh well.
"Of course! I have all day free. I'm meeting Raven later--I think she's theme-parked out, but she seemed interested in the animal safari one or something, I told her we could go if she didn't make good on the 'throw some Christians to the lions' joke--but I think we should go get one of those cheesy souvenir photos, the old time ones, you know?" Isobel pulled out her wallet and found some money.
Isobel wanted to say something else. But she wasn't going to. She was going to be Rachel's friend. Even if she thought Rachel was being an idiot. "Where to next?"
But there has to be emo!fighting first. And Isobel has strong opinions, and is very. protective. of her boss.
Rachel hopped of the monorail and jogged to the MGM entrance. She was a little tired. Out again late last night. Too many drinks. But it was the only thing that made her not have to cry all the time. Rachel glanced around for Izzy. God, I really hope I don't fall apart all over her, Rachel thought. Like the other day with Anna. Rachel sighed, still unable to find Izzy in the crowd. Screw SHIELD, and screw this, she thought.
*Izzy? You here?*
Isobel was a few feet away, watching Rachel. She was suddenly, paralyzingly unable to make herself go forward and meet her friend. And the reason was Dr. Essex. Isobel knew how angry and unhappy he was. It was really strange to see her boss, the unemotional supervillain, being as emo as a teenager. Then again, he was new to having emotions. Maybe that was his level? Who knew. All she knew was that she was mad at Rachel and didn't want to be.
Go talk to her. She's your friend.
*Over here! God, this place is nuts.* Isobel waved jauntily. *Here I am!* Her smile was not exactly forced, but it wasn't exactly as genuine as she would have liked.
Rachel walked over. She moved to hug Izzy hello, but stopped awkwardly. Izzy was still mad at her. She hid it well, but Rachel could tell.
"Well, you're looking great!" Rachel said with a small smile. She was glad the sunglasses hid her eyes. "Do you know where in here you want to go?" she asked. Hoping for some sort of normalcy.
"I totally want to go on the Tower of Terror," Isobel said, then she suddenly threw her arms around Rachel. "God, Ray. I'm glad to see you. I'm sorry. About being mad? I am. But," Isobel said, talking really quickly, "I don't want to be? Gosh, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, Rachel." Isobel started sniffling.
Rachel held on tight. Willing herself to not start crying. "'M really really glad to see you," she said, her voice muffled against her friend's hair. "I was worried I wouldn't ever get the chance to." She held on for a moment, then pulled away slightly.
"I don't know how to be around you? Because you're mad?" Rachel bit her lip, chewing on it. "I know I'm weird about it, and I'm sorry. Just, Izzy, if we're still friends? Just don't lie to me about it? Or about anything? Tell me you're mad and I'll learn to live with it. I just -- I can't handle any more people lying to me right now."
"Sweetie," Isobel said, eyes brimming with tears, "I've never had friends to even be mad at. And I--I just wish--" she shook her head, linking her arm in Rachel's. "You're my friend no matter what. I guess I just realized...this may sound nuts, okay, and I can't believe I'm saying it, but...he's my friend, too. I think. I guess I, um, think of him that way? I know how hurt he is, and I--you should have talked to him. But you didn't. And I can get over it, I promise." She smiled sheepishly. "I'm just so glad to see you!"
"I'm glad to see you, too," Rachel said as they walked towards the Tower of Terror. "I'm glad you and he are friends. Honestly. But, Izzy -- what could I have said to him in person? I mean? How would that have been any better? We would have just yelled. This -- it's easier."
Isobel turned, surprised. "Sure, it'd be easier. For you. You know, I know he's a bad man, okay? But also? He's done absolutely nothing wrong, Rachel. Not since he met you. Probably not for a long time before that. I'm not saying...it's not an excuse. But, um. You're...you two had a--a thing." She was tripping over her words, unable to say what she really wanted to. It was hard to make the words come out. She took a deep breath. "I think you should have told him, even if you both yelled. I don't think he deserved what you did."
Rachel stopped short. "It's not about him!" she yelled, startling them both and everyone around them. "It was never about him! God!" Rachel turned to face Izzy, lowering her voice only a little. "I've been telling you that all along, it's not about what he wants, or how he, he feels --" Rachel wiped the tears from her face, her hands shaking. "And I'm not mad at you or him and I don't know why I'm yelling at you! Goddammit!"
She spun, blindly, and walked a couple steps away before stumbling. Rachel wrapped her arms around herself tightly, trying to stop crying. Izzy didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to have Rachel's crap dumped on her.
Isobel walked over to Rachel. She did not like confrontation, and she never had. Words got trapped in her throat and it was hard to say things. But Isobel was protective. And she did not like things that were illogical. She grabbed Rachel's arm--not too hard, but hard enough--and pulled her around. "Okay, that's bullshit, Rachel. That man is in love with you. And you know it. And you know something?" She was angry, now. "You're mean to him because you think that's okay. He's evil, so you can totally disregard how he feels. Good god, Rachel, you gave him his emotions back and then you stomped all over them and you act all put out because he's upset?"
She shook her friend again. "I know you're going to freak out or whatever, but you have got to stop it. I've never seen someone fight themselves so hard in my life. Rachel, I know I'm not a mutant and I don't have your past but I do know what it's like to feel unwanted. I know what it's like to be unable to talk and say the words and make people hear you. I know what it's like to open up to someone and have them throw it your face." Isobel was crying now. "I don't understand you. I don't understand how you can hurt him so much. God, did you really not care about him at all?"
Rachel let Izzy shake her. Let Izzy's words slap against her face. "I am an awful person to be close to," she said when Izzy had slowed. "I wanted to be close to someone who wouldn't be hurt by me. Who wouldn't care about me. Who I wouldn't care about." Rachel pulled Izzy close, hugging her. "I liked him," she whispered. "That was the first problem. Then I wanted him. Then I cared about him. So I tried to help him. Give him something. And he loves me. And my whole plan fell apart."
People were staring openly at them. Some worried. Some irritated. A few thought the hot red-heads should make out.
"So I left, everything I tried to do now a mess around us both," she continued in a whisper. "And now I want him back so badly I can't bear to be in the room next to him. Everything I meant to do, I screwed it all up. Do you see, do you understand, why I can't be around people? Do you see how everything I do falls apart?"
"God, sweetie. Honey." Isobel wrapped her arms around Rachel. She held her tight. Rachel was trembling, in her arms. "You're hard not to love, Rachel. I know you don't believe that. But you are. I wish you would focus on all the great things about you, instead of this nonsense that you shouldn't be around people. It's too bad, because people love you and want you around. Anna. Me. Dr. Essex. You can't stop how we feel about you."
Isobel stroked Rachel's hair lightly. "Sweetie, you have got to stop living your life for other people. You deserve to be happy. If he makes you happy, why are you fighting it so hard?"
"Because I'm -- " Rachel stopped. Because I care about him and don't want to hurt him.
"Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I -- I care about him." Rachel paused. "And, I don't know what that means, to stop living my life for other people. I mean. I don't have anything else really."
"You have you. And your happiness. This is your life. Just yours. Everyone else will live theirs. You have to do it, too." Isobel wouldn't let go of Rachel. "And honey, you did hurt him. And he still loves you." Something became very clear, then, to Isobel. Rachel had to leave Dr. Essex. She had to leave him, so she could come back. This time, because she cared about him and wanted to be with him. Not just what it was he did to her body.
She suddenly felt loads better. And Nathaniel, he had to want her because he loved her, not just for whatever weird reason he'd wanted her in the first place. Well. For something other than sex.
God, did they have to be so dramatic about it?
Isobel kept hugging Rachel, rubbing her back. Thinking. They're both broken. Rachel thinks being in love means dying for someone. Dr. Essex thinks if he loves someone they'll die. God. They are made for each other. "Did you think maybe you should talk to him about this?"
"No," Rachel said, leaning against Izzy again. Into the welcome touch and comfort. "I can't think of what I could say. I hurt him, and I would do it again, so apologies seem wrong. I don't want to get back together with him. And I don't hate him. I'm not mad at him. Well," she amended. "Except for scaring me in the hall. I'm kind of mad about that."
Rachel held on to Izzy for a while longer. "Should -- should we go do the rides, now? If you still want to?"
Isobel wanted to ask her how that worked, when Rachel had always liked the way Dr. Essex scared her. And she didn't believe Rachel one bit, that she didn't want to be back with Dr. Essex. But this would have to happen when it was time. Isobel suddenly wanted to call Dr. Essex and tell him not to worry. But then again--hell, getting in the middle of this was a bad idea. "Of course I want to go on the rides. I'm so excited to go on the Tower of Terror! Raven said she'd only come here with me if it was really scary. But I think her definition of scary and mine are different."
Rachel giggled at the thought. "I think if you let her hold a knife to you on the ride? You'd be scared enough to entertain her." Rachel pulled Izzy along. "C'mon." She glanced over her shoulder. "Still friends?"
"That is a good idea!" Isobel said, grinning. "My girlfriend is demented. But hot. God, so hot. Anyway! Yes, let's go. And of course we're still friends." She smiled and ruffled Rachel's hair.
She wanted to tell Rachel about her parents. What they'd said, a few weeks ago. When Isobel had finally told them she was a lesbian. But it seemed like the line of Tower of Terror was not the place.
*****
They had lunch in a movie-themed 1950's diner. Excited, Isobel ordered a chili cheeseburger, onion rings, a cherry coke, and a chocolate shake. "So. Are you at least having fun? Um. I mean, Dr. Essex is miserable, but Mystique and I are having fun? Er, she...so she thinks fun is horrifying small children by flashing fangs at them, but you know. She likes the teacup ride, did you know this? I mean, she pretends she doesn't but I can tell she really liked it. She kept saying we were going to make out but that was like, the one ride we didn't actually do that on." Isobel sipped at her Cherry Coke. Her hands were still shaking from the Tower of Terror. They had ridden it four times in a row.
"I -- I am, I think?" Rachel had a burger and large coffee. She really didn't want to tell Izzy how she was spending her time. Too much crying, for one thing. And then, then there was the other stuff. Like the fact that I think I'm going even crazier. But for all that -- "Yeah. There's been some fun," she repeated.
Rachel sipped her coffee. "You -- you know your girlfriend keeps saying she's going to kill me, right? I don't take it that hard, I mean -- she says she'll do it if I hurt Anna." She shrugged. "Can't really argue with that."
"My girlfriend...she threatens to kill a lot of people? Um. She really does. It's...she just does that." Isobel studied Rachel. She didn't look very happy. It made Isobel sad that she couldn't see what she needed to do, but Rachel had to figure it out on her own. "She's been...in a good mood. She's so funny. And sometimes, when I think she thinks I'm not paying attention, she...acts different. Nicer. Um. Not really nice? But yeah, there's someone there. Someone beneath the death threats. I like her."
Isobel looked down at her plate. "I--I told my parents. About--about Raven. Well, not her, so much as. Um. The idea of her? It didn't...it didn't go very well."
Rachel put her cup down and leaned forward. "Hey," she said softly. "Hey, Izzy -- tell me about it?"
"So, um. I--they kind of know? About what I do. And they saw the press. About the Fifty-States Initiative. They know Dr. Essex has a...past. But it's the PC version SHIELD sent out to the press. They were going to come visit. And I--my mom. She asked me, 'So, Izzy, are you dating anyone?' and I said, 'Actually, yeah.' And then my mom asked, 'What's his name?'"
Isobel toyed with an onion ring. "What's his name. His name. God, Rachel, my parents? They don't know anything about me. So I said, 'Raven', and my mom? She goes--" Isobel laughed harshly, shaking her head. "Is that some kind of Goth boy, honey?" And like, I was going to wait. To explain in person. But I just...blurted it out. 'No, it's a she. I'm a lesbian, mom.'" Isobel raised her head. "And my mom? She kept on talking. Like I hadn't said anything. And when I tried to bring it up, she just...didn't want to hear."
Rachel blinked. "Like, she didn't hear you at all? Like, just talked over you? That's awful!" Rachel reached out and held Izzy's hand.
"That's like -- like it erases you. While you're standing there. Not even seeing you, just seeing what she wants. Oh, Izzy," Rachel said. "I'm so sorry."
"That's exactly what it's like. So I...I asked her if I could tell my dad. And my mom goes, 'honey, I don't know why you'd want to do a thing like that.' And then, Ray, when I wanted to see if they were coming down? My mom, she said..." this was the part, the hard part, the one that had made her cry. She'd been wanting to talk to someone about it, but there hadn't been time. There was the thing with Rachel, and Dr. Essex, and then the trip. "She said maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Until. Um. I got my head on straight."
She trembled a smile. "She said that. Head on straight. Straight. Just like that."
"Oh, hell with that!" Rachel said. She scooted around the table to sit next to her friend and hugged her. Tight. "I won't say anything nasty about your parents. They're your parents, and you love them, even when they are obvious idiots. But even the best people in the world, the ones we admire and love, even they screw shit up. And your mom is screwing this up." Rachel held on as Izzy started crying, turning and holding on to Rachel. Hiding her face.
"You mom loves you, even if she's showing it all wrong. She probably thinks you're doing something dangerous, and she wants to protect you. She's an idiot."
Rachel stopped. That sounded familiar.
Wait.
Oh, god. That's what Anna keeps telling me. Rachel sat, slightly stunned. Oh my god. And why the hell is it this shit looks so much easier when it is someone else? Can someone explain that to me? Jesus Christ! Rachel held Izzy and glared at some friendly servers with looks of concern of their faces.
Anna is going to laugh at me when I tell her about this.
"But just because she's being an idiot," Rachel said, with an awareness of the irony involved, "it doesn't mean you are wrong."
Isobel nodded slowly. "Yeah. I know. It just hurts. I've always been a disappointment. Always. My mom wanted me to be an artist. One time I heard her say, when I was younger, that if she could have changed anything at all in her life? She would have gone to California, instead of Cape Canaveral." Isobel gave a somewhat harsh laugh. "Maybe now she'll have a different answer."
Isobel smiled weakly. "I didn't even tell them what my girlfriend does for a living, and they already hate her. Hey, see, we could have had that in common."
Isobel put her head down on the table and cried. It was nice. She hadn't had time to do this.
Hell with SHIELD, Rachel thought, and hid her and Izzy from the crowd using her telepathy. She rubbed Izzy's back, the way Anna did for her when she was crying. Anna, the irony here is killing me, she thought as she started to speak. "She shouldn't have said that. She was wrong to say that, Izzy."
"I can't do anything right. Ever." Isobel looked up, suddenly embarrassed. "God, Ray. I'm--I'm sorry. I, um. Got over the thing with my parents a while ago? About the whole smart thing. Er. The science. I just had to do what made me happy." She put her head on Rachel's shoulder. "And I'll do that now. See, hon, I don't--my parents are wrong, and I know it. And if I did what they wanted, lived my life for them? I'd be miserable. I wouldn't be dating Raven, who I--I love her, Rachel--and I wouldn't be doing what I love to do. It's worth it, to me, because I'm happy. And they might not, you know, get that? Because they don't see how that could make me happy? But I do it because I'm a better daughter if...I'm true to myself. Or something. God. Maybe it's my excuse for sleeping with hot girls." She smiled up at Rachel. "Does that make sense?"
Rachel smiled back. "That -- yeah. That makes sense." She laughed. "Don't tell Anna I said that, okay?"
Isobel grinned. "Okay. Oh, Anna! I hope I get to see her. I like her. She's great." Isobel sipped her chocolate shake. "Thanks for letting me, um. Cry? I guess I need to tell Raven. I'm just...worried she'll want to kill my parents? She's kind of protective. It's cute, but um. You know." She brightened, mood lifting with typical mercurial speed. "I guess-you know that Bea came to visit, right?"
Rachel sat back on her side of the table with her drink, picking at her food. "Yeah, she told me, finally." She looked up, a half-smile on her face. "Not like I could get angry, right? So, how was it?"
"Oh, she's really great. Really...you know, I can tell she's related to you? And, weirdly--this doesn't make any sense--she almost acts as if she is related to Dr. Essex. I mean, I don't think that counts, kids of clones, but what the hell do I know? Anyway, they got along. They watched a movie. He bought her a car." Isobel giggled. "He informed me that he wasn't going to send her back on the greyhound because the people were--what did he say?" Isobel affected a British accent and pitched her voice low. "Isobel, those cretins are hardly fit company for Beatrice to travel with on the coach back to New York City." She rolled her eyes. "Anyone else would have just said, bunch of creepy motherfuckers or something. I've never heard him cuss, except..."
She bit her lip. "Okay, when he was drunk? After, ah, your email? He said bloody like six million times. Seriously. And he was totally flailing around and being, like, not a supervillain. It was a bit weird." She didn't want to remind Rachel of unhappy things. "But Bea, yeah, she's awesome. So...she has no concept at all that she shouldn't really like Dr. Essex. And she does. Like, I almost thought she had a crush on him? Which, I know, right? Weird? But I think she...I think she wants a dad, maybe."
"He does say things oddly," Rachel said, smiling. "It's pretty cute." She picked up her burger and began eating it. "I know Bea will hear no wrong against him. I hope he doesn't let her down. I think . . . " Rachel chewed for a minute, thoughtfully. "I think he won't. Let her down. I think he likes women who aren't afraid of him, and who won't let him hide away from his life." Rachel stared past Izzy, completely unaware of how she might look. "He hides too much, and he loves the surprise of feeling alive . . . "
Which is why he loves you, you dolt. Isobel studied Rachel very carefully. She looked...her face was softened by something. She looked...peaceful. Almost loving. Oh, God. Why were the two of them putting themselves through this misery? Isobel wished she could force Rachel to see the look on her own face at the moment. "Beatrice is fond of him. He's fond of her." This is not what Isobel wanted to say. But forcing the issue would make Rachel mad. Maybe she'd just try and remind Rachel of the nice things. About Dr. Essex.
Well. Um. Maybe she couldn't do that, exactly.
"So, your mom. How is she? I mean, you've seen her, right? Here? Is that...is that okay?"
Rachel shrugged. "She's really happy with Tony," Rachel said. "Why shouldn't she be? She got what she wanted. Though not how she wanted it."
"That bad, huh?" Isobel winced. "Parents suck sometimes. Ugh. I'm sorry. You know, my issues are making me a sucky friend. You know, Rachel...it's okay, right? For you to be mad at her?"
"That's what everyone says," Rachel replied. She pushed her food away. As she did, she had the unreal feeling hit again. It was worst when she talked about Jean. She'd noticed that. Jean, or Nathaniel. Rachel looked at her hands. They weren't hers. Her arms weren't hers. She was floating behind some stranger's body.
The feeling left as fast as it had hit. Rachel hoped Izzy hadn't noticed anything odd. She wrapped her arms around herself. She was shaking a little.
"Why would I be mad at her?"
Isobel was finally able to see past being angry at Rachel, and upset with her parents. "Honey," she said in a quiet voice, "Honey, what is the matter?"
Rachel looked completely and utterly blank, for a moment. Far away. The way she looked sometimes, when she first showed up in Savannah. Isobel was frightened. That wasn't good. Rachel was literally shutting down in front of her. Isobel bit her lip. She's nowhere near as together as she's pretending to be. "Come back," Isobel said quietly. She didn't know how to make Rachel do that, how to make the vacant look in her eyes go away.
Dr. Essex did. But he wasn't here. Isobel couldn't hurt Rachel. She didn't know what to do. "Rachel?"
"Mmh-hmm?" Rachel replied, blinking. "I'm here," she said. "Why, why would I be mad at Jean?" she repeated. Pretending nothing was wrong. She pulled her feet up on the seat and wrapped her arms around her legs. "She only wants what's best for me, and for everyone, right?"
Isobel blinked. "No," she said bluntly. "I mean, she probably wants what she thinks is best, but uh, that doesn't mean it is." Isobel didn't know a lot about Jean Grey, but she did know that she and Raven were constantly at odds. And that Mystique really liked messing with the woman's head and, ah, other body parts. Which Isobel was not so fond of. But that wasn't Rachel's fault. "Hon, you know...the people you love? They're not perfect. They're not always right. So if you think they're not right? It's not like you're betraying them."
Isobel was very worried. "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want?"
Rachel chewed on her lip, staring at the table.
*She was trying to die,* she sent, finally. Feeling somehow like she was betraying Jean by telling. *She hugged me and tried to kill herself. To help me.*
"But I guess that doesn't matter," she continued out loud. "It didn't work. The Phoenix got fixed anyway. It's all fine. She's happy. I can't be mad at her for that." Rachel realized her lip was bleeding a little, and stopped gnawing on it.
"What the hell?" Isobel, shocked, stared at Rachel. "I can be mad at my mom for not being thrilled I'm dating a girl, but you can't be mad at yours for trying to kill herself in front of you for your own good?" She was angry. "And this is the person you think you should let tell you how to live your life? I'm sorry, but Rachel...I don't get your family. Dying is not how you prove you love someone." Isobel was trembling. "You do that by living and being happy. So, yeah. Be glad she's happy. But I'd be pissed she did that."
Something made sense. No wonder Rachel thought being in love meant you had to die for someone. God. "It does matter. Don't you think...you feel bad, don't you," Isobel said flatly. "You feel bad that you're mad at her. So, in order to feel less guilty, you did the one thing you thought would make her the happiest and broke up with Dr. Essex, because she hates him. She was going to sacrifice her life, for you, so you sacrificed your happiness for her."
Izzy was talking. Rachel could hear what she was saying, but distantly. "It's not-" she began, her voice breaking. "I --"
*Yes.*
Rachel's vision tunneled in. She could see her napkin, crumpled on the table. Her pulse was very loud in her ears. She couldn't hear Izzy anymore. She sat as still as she could, a tight ball curled on her chair, trying to not do anything that would scare her friend.
"But she didn't die," Isobel said quietly, scooting over to put her arm around Rachel. "And she didn't want to, honey. She wanted to live. That's what she wants you to do, too. And I don't think she wants you to be like this. Also? That's a goddamn horrible thing to do, and it's okay to think that." Isobel was trying not to be angry at Jean, but all she could think of was that Jean had done it on purpose, knowing her daughter, to get Rachel away from Dr. Essex.
No. That's not true. Think logically. "You're both alive, Rachel. Alive. And you have to live. Look at me, please, Rachel," Isobel pleaded, scared, unsure how to make Rachel respond. "I--I'll--do you--you have to--please," she begged, worried and teary-eyed from fear. "I'll call Dr. Essex. Do you want me to call him? I don't know how to get you out of this, please, please look at me."
Rachel summoned all her strength of will and leaned on Izzy. As she did, Izzy held her tightly. That let Rachel breathe, a deep ragged gasp. She swallowed and unclenched her hands from her arms. Breathed again. Her pulse got quieter, and she could hear Izzy's voice. Scared.
"No, 's'okay," she said. "Don't call him. I'm okay."
Rachel leaned into Izzy's arm, trembling. She opened her eyes. The tunnel was gone. Good. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wouldn't do that to you if I could stop it. I'm sorry." She uncurled, putting her feet down. Tried for a normal tone of voice. "Thanks. Very much. Yeah." Rachel smiled a little at Izzy. "I think Jean doesn't care if I'm like this or not."
That's not fair, Rachel thought. She asked. You lied.
"And anyway, if she does care," Rachel added, "I don't want to tell her anyway. I mean -- she shouldn't have to deal with the mess I make. I don't know . . . "
"Uh, Ray? Hon, she's your mom. And by trying not to make a mess..." Isobel stopped herself. Rachel wasn't better. She was pretending, because she didn't want Isobel to call Dr. Essex. "I just want you to be happy, Ray. If you're happier without him, then I'll be sad because I think you're so good for him, but it's your choice. But if you're making yourself miserable to please someone else, then...yeah, I can't get behind that. And um, maybe that sounds mean? But I love you, Ray, and I want you to be happy. And you're not." She kissed Rachel on the top of the head, keeping the other girl close to her. Rachel was tense. She was as unhappy as Dr. Essex.
They were both idiots. But Isobel cared about them both. And they would find their way back together, she was sure of it.
Who else would put up with the two of them? Isobel smiled. "You should have some of my chocolate shake. It's totally going to melt."
"We can't have that," Rachel said, accepting the glass from Izzy. "That is good, yeah." She gave the shake back and took a long breath, brushing her hair back from her face. "So, were we going to finish the park? If -- If you're still interested, I'd really like that." And if Izzy had had enough of her, Rachel would find a pool and a bar and spend her afternoon not thinking. Anna wouldn't like that plan, she thought quietly. Oh well.
"Of course! I have all day free. I'm meeting Raven later--I think she's theme-parked out, but she seemed interested in the animal safari one or something, I told her we could go if she didn't make good on the 'throw some Christians to the lions' joke--but I think we should go get one of those cheesy souvenir photos, the old time ones, you know?" Isobel pulled out her wallet and found some money.
Isobel wanted to say something else. But she wasn't going to. She was going to be Rachel's friend. Even if she thought Rachel was being an idiot. "Where to next?"