(no subject)
I've recently embarked on a project that has me reading through all my old livejouranl entries. It has been quite the emotional roller coaster. But it has also been a wonderful experience. Getting to re-live the highs of certain moments, and really getting to see how far I've come when reading about the lows. So many memories that would have been lost if I hadn't written them down right then and there. I constantly say that I want to write in here more, and I do want to. I just never seem to get around to it. But this walk down memory lane has reminded me how great it is to have so many things documented. And I really want to be better about continuing to do that.
I have struggled with many "mental issues" in the past. Major depression said one therapist, social anxiety disorder said another, borderline personality disorder claimed a third. I think I was just a teenager. Sure, my upbringing played a huge part in things, boyfriends certainly had a big impact, and maybe there was some chemical imbalances. But whose life isn't like that growing up? Or at least has aspects of that?
Growing up in a family where you are not allowed to talk about your emotions, I had all these feelings inside that I didn't know what to do with. They often came out in unhealthy ways. In high school I wrote poetry. Bad, whiny, depressing poetry. But it was the only way to get out those thoughts and feelings. I started this journal in 2002. My second year of college. My depression was high, but hadn't reached its peak (you can read all about that in 2004!). Livejounal became my place to write down everything I was feeling. I am the most inarticulate person when it comes to talking about emotions. It will make sense in my head, but when asked to put it into words verbally, I am far from able. However, give me a pen and paper, or sit me in front of a computer and I can write for hours.
What I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way), is that these past few years I have grown up a lot. Matured. I'm not a depressed teenager anymore. I'm in a loving relationship with someone who has been patient enough to (for lack of a better word) teach me how to communicate. I no longer run to livejournal for solace, because I have my soulmate for that. He has also provided me with an incredibly supportive and loving environment in which to grow and become the person I am today. This has helped decrease the depression, anxiety, anger, and bad habits. Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I feel the depression is just a Smiths song away, and there are days when my anxiety completely overpowers me. But it's not every day. Not even close.
I have struggled with many "mental issues" in the past. Major depression said one therapist, social anxiety disorder said another, borderline personality disorder claimed a third. I think I was just a teenager. Sure, my upbringing played a huge part in things, boyfriends certainly had a big impact, and maybe there was some chemical imbalances. But whose life isn't like that growing up? Or at least has aspects of that?
Growing up in a family where you are not allowed to talk about your emotions, I had all these feelings inside that I didn't know what to do with. They often came out in unhealthy ways. In high school I wrote poetry. Bad, whiny, depressing poetry. But it was the only way to get out those thoughts and feelings. I started this journal in 2002. My second year of college. My depression was high, but hadn't reached its peak (you can read all about that in 2004!). Livejounal became my place to write down everything I was feeling. I am the most inarticulate person when it comes to talking about emotions. It will make sense in my head, but when asked to put it into words verbally, I am far from able. However, give me a pen and paper, or sit me in front of a computer and I can write for hours.
What I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way), is that these past few years I have grown up a lot. Matured. I'm not a depressed teenager anymore. I'm in a loving relationship with someone who has been patient enough to (for lack of a better word) teach me how to communicate. I no longer run to livejournal for solace, because I have my soulmate for that. He has also provided me with an incredibly supportive and loving environment in which to grow and become the person I am today. This has helped decrease the depression, anxiety, anger, and bad habits. Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I feel the depression is just a Smiths song away, and there are days when my anxiety completely overpowers me. But it's not every day. Not even close.