Letters from the past
I got an email from you today and for a good minute I was sure that it was just spam. There was no way you actually emailed me. I just couldn't allow myself to believe it was possible. Here I am just starting to get over you, and you decide to write me. Here I am just beginning to move on and you send me an email that jerks me right back to where I was so long ago.
I opened the email because I figured that even if it was spam at least then I would have something else to hate related to you, but it wasn't. When I read that first line all I could do was start crying. I just wanted to run away to a dark corner and start crying. It just wasn't fair that the words "I don't know if you check this e-mail anymore, and if you don't and never get this then I guess I was too late, waited too long." could affect me so much. They barely say anything. Except they also say so much.
I've spent so much time pretending to hate you, agreeing with all of them who say such things about you that I was almost starting to believe it, but the truth is that all this time I've been pretending I've just been dying inside. Slowly, far too slowly.
So much has happened since we last really talked, how can I even begin to explain everything. How can I defend the decisions I've made, decisions I know you won't agree with.
I called you and you didn't answer, and I still haven't forgiven you for that. You were supposed to be my person, you promised that you would always be there. I opened my heart up to you and let you get closer than any other person had and has since. You left me broken and dependent and then I felt like you were laughing when I needed your help to pick up the pieces like you had always done before.
I know that I'm the one who pushed you away, but you should have known that I didn't really mean it. Maybe that is why you are apologizing now and admitting that you miss me, but how can I trust you.
You said some horrid things, though I said them too, and I just can't forget all that you have done. I'm not that kind.
You want me to forgive you and you wanna start again, but what if your place isn't yours anymore. What if I finally replaced you? Can you stand that?
I know that I wouldn't be able to.
I wanna email you back so badly. I wanna jump up and down in jubilation cause I always knew this day would come. I wanna drive over to your house and hug you and never let you go again. Yet all I can do is sit with tears threatening to stream down my face. So what should I do?
What if I let you in and it all goes to pieces again? I can't take it.
People joke that I have an ice cold heart, but you know the truth. My heart has just been broken one too many times, and at least half of the scars on it are in part because of you. I'm afraid that it can't handle another break.
I can't handle trying again and then having to learn to live without you once more.
We both know how this will end.
I'll email you, we'll meet for coffee. We'll talk incessantly, it'll be just like old times. My whole world will start to revolve around you, and then one day you'll be gone, I'll have pushed you away or you will have slowly faded away, and I'll be alone once more. I don't think I can handle that.
It doesn't matter though, now does it? Cause I'm going to email you back regardless of the consequences all because its the dance we've always danced.
I opened the email because I figured that even if it was spam at least then I would have something else to hate related to you, but it wasn't. When I read that first line all I could do was start crying. I just wanted to run away to a dark corner and start crying. It just wasn't fair that the words "I don't know if you check this e-mail anymore, and if you don't and never get this then I guess I was too late, waited too long." could affect me so much. They barely say anything. Except they also say so much.
I've spent so much time pretending to hate you, agreeing with all of them who say such things about you that I was almost starting to believe it, but the truth is that all this time I've been pretending I've just been dying inside. Slowly, far too slowly.
So much has happened since we last really talked, how can I even begin to explain everything. How can I defend the decisions I've made, decisions I know you won't agree with.
I called you and you didn't answer, and I still haven't forgiven you for that. You were supposed to be my person, you promised that you would always be there. I opened my heart up to you and let you get closer than any other person had and has since. You left me broken and dependent and then I felt like you were laughing when I needed your help to pick up the pieces like you had always done before.
I know that I'm the one who pushed you away, but you should have known that I didn't really mean it. Maybe that is why you are apologizing now and admitting that you miss me, but how can I trust you.
You said some horrid things, though I said them too, and I just can't forget all that you have done. I'm not that kind.
You want me to forgive you and you wanna start again, but what if your place isn't yours anymore. What if I finally replaced you? Can you stand that?
I know that I wouldn't be able to.
I wanna email you back so badly. I wanna jump up and down in jubilation cause I always knew this day would come. I wanna drive over to your house and hug you and never let you go again. Yet all I can do is sit with tears threatening to stream down my face. So what should I do?
What if I let you in and it all goes to pieces again? I can't take it.
People joke that I have an ice cold heart, but you know the truth. My heart has just been broken one too many times, and at least half of the scars on it are in part because of you. I'm afraid that it can't handle another break.
I can't handle trying again and then having to learn to live without you once more.
We both know how this will end.
I'll email you, we'll meet for coffee. We'll talk incessantly, it'll be just like old times. My whole world will start to revolve around you, and then one day you'll be gone, I'll have pushed you away or you will have slowly faded away, and I'll be alone once more. I don't think I can handle that.
It doesn't matter though, now does it? Cause I'm going to email you back regardless of the consequences all because its the dance we've always danced.