Rehab Update

[izzabizza]

Hello all. I'm just saying I am starting Out Patient and this means no contact with anyone from home for the next 11 weeks or so. I want to get sober, but I always have the urges to get high. I cried today, yesterday, and the day before, but friends here are like friends I have never had before. In an instant they were already my brothers and sisters. Everyone here knows the shit you have gone through and there is nothing you can say that will make someone love you less. Nothing can make people weird. Bapi (Robbie) is my big brother that I always wanted and never had. These people I am with are now my entire world. There is no feeling or anxiety of being stabbed in the back and fucked over. I am living with Kaleigh and Kristy, Kristy and I share a room. We bought a Beda fish and named him McGrupp. He hasn't died yet and its day three. BIG accomplishment. Another big accomplishment is that I have been sober for 11 days. I hope to keep this up. But again, in the back of my mind I always have the "maybe when I get home I'll do it just once" but it will only bring me back to the unhappy state that brought me into this place. I talked with Sharon today who has been sober for a year and 8 months. Riding in her car I just needed to talk. I just came to the realization of how odd I find it that at home I had maybe one person that I could completely connect with and tell everything to. Everyone else was mostly the "i dont know what to say and uhh hey whats up?" but now instead of having one person around all the time being the closest friend I now have the thirty plus people like that. I find it crazy that I will spend the entire day with someone and be tight as possible and then the next few days I wont see them much but there is always someone to be tight with no matter what. Instead of one sister or brother, I have everyone. In out patient I told everyone I was bisexual, what was my home life like, how fucked up my mind set was and afterwards I was completely scared that I freaked someone out. But no, they knew what all my feelings were like. At home I was "one of the guys" hangin out with girls was one of my least favorite thing to do. When I came here, all I wanted to do is chill with the guys. But there is no sexual inovlment here as an out patient. No flirting shit or mind games. I cant be messin around with guys and sittin on their laps and cuddling. Hugs are as far as it goes. But so badly I wanted to jump in and be with the guys. Girls would be "lizz come here and lets have girl time." and that just sounded like no fun at all. So when I went to chill with the guys, it seemed to always be "guy time" and I was shunned away. But it was nothing in offense to me, it was all to get me used to hangin with the girls because still acting the way I did at home wont help me change my life here. In a meeting we had with girls only I shared how I didnt want to be with girls but couldnt be with guys, so I isolated myself. But once I said that, everyone in the room was like "Dude, I was JUST like that." and now I feel hella lot more better. I still want to be with the guys all the time but now I'm gettin with the girls a lot more. Finding out that girls aren't all evil bitches and I can actually talk to them. I still hang with the guys a lot, but not to the extent I did at home. I am happy. wow, I couldn't honestly say that before. Here I am feeling lots of emotions all coming at once. Being numb for so long really made me forget. But when I need to talk, and need to cry there is no one here to turn me down. Everyone is on my side and willing to help. I'm learning that no one can make you happy, you cant control other peoples actions. The way to happiness is P.I.S.S. and C.R.A.P. meaning Properly Interpreting Social Situations and Communication Resolves All Problems. I'd really like to make Amends to everyone who I have hurt under the conditions of chemical abuse. Everyone who I have screwed over or fucked with or stole drugs or money from. Anyone who was hurt by my words or actions because of me being under the influence of drugs. I honeslty wish to make peace. I want to become a better person and actually find the real person I am. I'm on the verge and it makes me feel good. I miss everyone at home, but I really don't think I can be around a lot of people when I do come back. I really don't want to go back to the way I was. But I know now if I am going to be in the surrounding of drugs I will use them again. I don't want to, but I feel I wont be able to stop myself. So please, everyone who follows into that catagory, its not because I love you anyless... But I really need to put my physical and mental self first. So in closing, this will be my last post for a while, but I will check up everynow and then to see if comments are posted. Please nothing in makin me miss drugs, I really dont need to be hearing it. I love the people here so so so much, this wouldnt be helping me at all with out them. I will see you all later sometime maybe. In otherwords I'm out. Goodbye and I love you.

PS!!!! for all you guys who have doubted me... fuck you... because I have learned to fucking SKATE BOARD!! bwahahahahahahahhahaa Joey is giving me his old board. Thats right bitch... I know how to skate.. not that im any good... but im not bustin my ass. wooooo.