Closure for you all...
Some of you are pretty damn confused about whats goin on in my life. Some of you don't fucking care, so this post isn't for you. If you are like me, you want questions answered in full detail. So heres the question, and my answer: What the fuck is going on? If you want to know... click the (Answer)---if only life's questions were that easy.
On Sunday April 4th, my birthday, my stepmom was in my room looking for shoes. (so i was told) She opened the tiny door that led to a tiny attic in my room. She found an old water bong that I had forgotten about. She called my dad up and they tore up the rest of the room looking for other things in relation to drugs. They found nothing more. My dad did not want to bust me on my birthday so they waited the next day to tell me. They drug tested me on Monday and I cheated by putting two drops of bleach into the pee cup and passed. I thought I was in the clear. Then my step-mom wanted me to do it again and this time under her supervision. I protested and rebelled saying that I already took it and was clean but they still did not believe me. I fought with them for about three hours and finally confessed once I was threatended with going to the hospital for a blood test. They were mad, disappointed, scared but wanted to help me. I thought I was fine, I could smoke whenever I wanted to, and thats what I did. But pot reacts different to others, some can manage it, some cant. I already have an addicting personality like chocolate, phish, girlfriends and boyfriends. So of course, pot is another contestant. I was so angry, I just wanted to go get high. My parents helped me realized this, but I realized on my own too that the thought process i had of "smoking when i want to" was true for a while... but from just at social gatherings, to weekends, to some weekdays, to everynight, sometimes in the morning, to every morining, to every spare moment alone and safe i smoked. It had tricked me to think I just want to smoke all the time. I went to school today... it was hell. the entire time in my head it was all "you have that last gram left, keep it for tonight, your last time." then "no no give to the parents, its not doing you any good." then "your gonna be stressed, come on its the last time" and again "no its doing nothing but making you feel worse once you come down" like that all day, debating to tell my parents about the pot I had and to give to them or keep it just to get high one more time. I wanted to get high. I can smell it, and taste it. But my logical side tells me no, while the physical side tells me yes. I had a family meeting with my dad, stepmom, AND mom. hell. I am going to rehab tomorrow in atlanta and will be back around june/july. When mom left i went to the bathroom to wash off the tears and snot and again had another debate :give them the pot: ::no keep it:: finally i went to my room and handed my dad the pot. I had dinner and afterwards around 10 i came up for my room and looked for my pot. I wanted it badly... i craved it. came back to reality and emotions hit me like a fire bomb... i cried in my room for a good hour or so... complete sobbing. I thought about rehab, losing my friends who do smoke but i still love, smoking when i get back, or staying clean, what if my sick grandpa dies and i was gone? Will my friends who do smoke look down on me? think of me as a "quitter?" will they not want to hang out as much? What am i doing to my little sister? what example and i setting? what am i doing to my mom who drove me to an addiction? am i really an addict? is this all real? Do i really have a problem? if i get help what will happen back at home? im missing lots of school and will have to repeat 9th grade. I'm very scared. Going two states away to live with another family for three months or so. I still want to get high. but I want to get clean. I still want to get high. but I want to get clean. Will this rehab work? will i be able to be around it with my friends and "say no" or will i fuck up again and go back to it. I kinda want to, I kinda dont. Its been 2 days since i have smoked... and i have smoked everyday for a month and a half. Lately, buying an 8th to myself last me 4 days without sharing. mmm its good, but discraceful. I really dont like myself. My self esteem is at zero, my motivation is at zero, my confidence is at zero. I have nothing. Gettin high was what i was left with. thats what i had and i was fine with that until this harsh realization. all in the past two days. I didnt know i was addicted. it still hasnt sunken in... im still asking myself that question... I cant be an addict...can I?
I am going to atlanta till june/july. I dont know about visitations... I think after the first few weeks. I dont know about my computer or phone or letters. I dont know shit and here i go diving head first. But maybe some of you can help me answer some of my questions. I need all i can get. I'm going to bed, long drive tomorrow. I'm listening to Billy Breathes, phish. What I used to always listen to when i was upset before pot took its place. Its an odd comfort listening to it again for this reason. I love all my friends and will miss you dearly. I'll come back, and i'll still be lizz. I love you all.
On Sunday April 4th, my birthday, my stepmom was in my room looking for shoes. (so i was told) She opened the tiny door that led to a tiny attic in my room. She found an old water bong that I had forgotten about. She called my dad up and they tore up the rest of the room looking for other things in relation to drugs. They found nothing more. My dad did not want to bust me on my birthday so they waited the next day to tell me. They drug tested me on Monday and I cheated by putting two drops of bleach into the pee cup and passed. I thought I was in the clear. Then my step-mom wanted me to do it again and this time under her supervision. I protested and rebelled saying that I already took it and was clean but they still did not believe me. I fought with them for about three hours and finally confessed once I was threatended with going to the hospital for a blood test. They were mad, disappointed, scared but wanted to help me. I thought I was fine, I could smoke whenever I wanted to, and thats what I did. But pot reacts different to others, some can manage it, some cant. I already have an addicting personality like chocolate, phish, girlfriends and boyfriends. So of course, pot is another contestant. I was so angry, I just wanted to go get high. My parents helped me realized this, but I realized on my own too that the thought process i had of "smoking when i want to" was true for a while... but from just at social gatherings, to weekends, to some weekdays, to everynight, sometimes in the morning, to every morining, to every spare moment alone and safe i smoked. It had tricked me to think I just want to smoke all the time. I went to school today... it was hell. the entire time in my head it was all "you have that last gram left, keep it for tonight, your last time." then "no no give to the parents, its not doing you any good." then "your gonna be stressed, come on its the last time" and again "no its doing nothing but making you feel worse once you come down" like that all day, debating to tell my parents about the pot I had and to give to them or keep it just to get high one more time. I wanted to get high. I can smell it, and taste it. But my logical side tells me no, while the physical side tells me yes. I had a family meeting with my dad, stepmom, AND mom. hell. I am going to rehab tomorrow in atlanta and will be back around june/july. When mom left i went to the bathroom to wash off the tears and snot and again had another debate :give them the pot: ::no keep it:: finally i went to my room and handed my dad the pot. I had dinner and afterwards around 10 i came up for my room and looked for my pot. I wanted it badly... i craved it. came back to reality and emotions hit me like a fire bomb... i cried in my room for a good hour or so... complete sobbing. I thought about rehab, losing my friends who do smoke but i still love, smoking when i get back, or staying clean, what if my sick grandpa dies and i was gone? Will my friends who do smoke look down on me? think of me as a "quitter?" will they not want to hang out as much? What am i doing to my little sister? what example and i setting? what am i doing to my mom who drove me to an addiction? am i really an addict? is this all real? Do i really have a problem? if i get help what will happen back at home? im missing lots of school and will have to repeat 9th grade. I'm very scared. Going two states away to live with another family for three months or so. I still want to get high. but I want to get clean. I still want to get high. but I want to get clean. Will this rehab work? will i be able to be around it with my friends and "say no" or will i fuck up again and go back to it. I kinda want to, I kinda dont. Its been 2 days since i have smoked... and i have smoked everyday for a month and a half. Lately, buying an 8th to myself last me 4 days without sharing. mmm its good, but discraceful. I really dont like myself. My self esteem is at zero, my motivation is at zero, my confidence is at zero. I have nothing. Gettin high was what i was left with. thats what i had and i was fine with that until this harsh realization. all in the past two days. I didnt know i was addicted. it still hasnt sunken in... im still asking myself that question... I cant be an addict...can I?
I am going to atlanta till june/july. I dont know about visitations... I think after the first few weeks. I dont know about my computer or phone or letters. I dont know shit and here i go diving head first. But maybe some of you can help me answer some of my questions. I need all i can get. I'm going to bed, long drive tomorrow. I'm listening to Billy Breathes, phish. What I used to always listen to when i was upset before pot took its place. Its an odd comfort listening to it again for this reason. I love all my friends and will miss you dearly. I'll come back, and i'll still be lizz. I love you all.