Thwarting Walls (Chapter 3)
'Karin...'
'About time!' she said, flashing me a cheesy grin. 'What are you? Brain-dead?!'
Though her words were harsh, the sparkle in her eyes told me the she was joking. It was one of the reasons why the younger me had cherished every moment with her. Despite her loud, brash nature, she cared deeply for those around her, and - much unlike myself - wasn't afraid to show it. Even as a ten year old, she hadn't cared that I looked strange. She wasn't scared of me. And when my only family had died, she was the only one that knew exactly what I needed; she was the only one who didn't shower me with false sympathies or condolences.
But, that was the old me.
I've learnt a lot since then. That in the end, I'm just destined to be an outcast. The strange man with weird eyes, funny-coloured hair and a heart of stone.
I hear them - my subordinates; I hear the things they say about me. I hear the hushed whispers that speak to one another when I enter a room. I hear the strain in their voices when the talk to me, their desire to get away from me almost palpable on my skin. And, secretly, it kills me. It tears my heart out when I hear the hateful words they say, the spiteful whispers they mutter.
But, I resigned myself to this lonely existance a long time ago.
'If you're up, you should go back to your home.'
'You haven't changed at all...' her voice was so soft, it reminded me of the night on the roof. My eyes snapped to her face, my breathing halting at the gentle smile that was on her face.
'C'mon Toush. You seriously gonna act like that - I mean, how long have we known eachother? You and I both know the real you, so stop with this couldn't-care-less act.'
She saw right through me.
'I don't know what you're talking about, Kurosaki.'
Please don't hate me
'Yeah, ya do. C'mon, seriously, stop it.'
Stop, stop before it's too late. You mustn't befriend me again... I'll just hurt you.
'The person you knew is gone. He was merely a boy who allowed his emotions to get in the way.'
Please... Please accept this. Go, just... go. You are worth so much more than me...
'The person I knew is still here, Toshiro. The boy who saved me, the boy who cried infront of me, the boy who was selfless enough to save his sister from herself, and carried the burdern of that on his shoulders. You're still you. I can sense it. You're not as poker-faced as you think you are. Now stop being a dickhead, dickhead.'
As she flashed me a grin, I felt my mask slowly cracking.
'Please refrain from calling me that.'
You are the one person who I must not get close to.
'Jesus, you are a stubborn one. Drop it, Toush...'
'No, girl. You are the one who should "drop it".' I tried to keep my voice uncaring and scornful. 'Listen to me, Kurosaki. The boy you knew is gone. He died a long time ago. He is just a figure in your memories.'
Don't reply, please, dear God, don't reply.
It hurt so much to say those things to you. God knows a small part of my soul died as I spewed out those lies to you. Do you hate me now? Please, hate me... It will be a small price to pay for your safety. Karin, why don't you see, I am cursed? Everyone who so much as looks at me meets a horrid end...
'Oi, Hitsugaya!'
I froze... Never has she used my last name. And I never want to hear it again - not falling from her lips. Slowly, oh so slowly, I look at her. My heart clenched, beating at an irregular and erratic rate - I'm scared at what her reaction is. What look adorns her face? Have I gone too far?
As our eyes met, I almost flinched, so terrified at what emotion would be passing through those lilac hues.
But, what I found swirling in those orbs what not what I had expected at all...
There was not even a hint of annoyance, hurt or anger. Just mild amusement and exasperation - as if she had anticipated what I was going to say.
'Come here, Toush' she said, patting the patch of bed beside her. I stumbled to where her hand had roughly pointed to, perching on the edge of the bed.
'Did you seriously think that that was gonna work? I mean - c'mon! Besides... I'm not your sister. I'm not going to break at any given moment, okay? So chill out for a second, would you?'
'I thought I had managed to get rid of you...' She chuckled good naturedly.
'Naah, I'm in the after life now. You got no chance!' She flashed me her signature smile and I could help the small tug on the corners of my lips - one I was sure she didn't miss.
'Most people would have run a mile if I had said what I did to them.'
'Well, I'm not most people!' I looked at her, slightly incredulous.
'Most people don't take the time to get to know you. If they did, then they'd see you're really just a big softie and not that much of a prick...' I shot her a glare and she just laughed.
'Oh shut up! You know it's true.' she said, poking my ribs.
'Karin. Don't push it.' I growled, elbowing her side.
I instantly regretted it when she gasped, clutching her side.
Shit I thought she's barely healed.
'Karin,' I said, concerned, slipping my arm round her 'Karin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...'
Her shoulders started to shake, and I felt a lump rise in my throat. Had I really just reduced my only friend to tears?
She turned to face me, a rogue grin spreading across her visage - she was laughing.
'PSYCH!' she yelled, inbetween laughs, 'Sorry, what were you saying about not being soft?'
'Should've just left you to that hollow...' I grumbled, trying to supress the sheer relief I had felt when I found she had been joking.
'Yeah, yeah. I know you'd miss me.'
And just like that, we were back to how we were before. I felt as if a hole in my heart was starting to heal, as if the whole world wasn't as cruel, wasn't as hard. I realised living without this girl, this radiant light in my life, was no longer an option. I needed her; and yet, I didn't feel scared, because I knew - as I had known for a long time - that she would never leave me alone. I was truly endebted to her.
And in that moment, that one split second, I knew my life belonged to her. She had given me reason to live, reason to carry on this struggle know as life. My life was her for the taking, and nothing could have made me happier...
'About time!' she said, flashing me a cheesy grin. 'What are you? Brain-dead?!'
Though her words were harsh, the sparkle in her eyes told me the she was joking. It was one of the reasons why the younger me had cherished every moment with her. Despite her loud, brash nature, she cared deeply for those around her, and - much unlike myself - wasn't afraid to show it. Even as a ten year old, she hadn't cared that I looked strange. She wasn't scared of me. And when my only family had died, she was the only one that knew exactly what I needed; she was the only one who didn't shower me with false sympathies or condolences.
But, that was the old me.
I've learnt a lot since then. That in the end, I'm just destined to be an outcast. The strange man with weird eyes, funny-coloured hair and a heart of stone.
I hear them - my subordinates; I hear the things they say about me. I hear the hushed whispers that speak to one another when I enter a room. I hear the strain in their voices when the talk to me, their desire to get away from me almost palpable on my skin. And, secretly, it kills me. It tears my heart out when I hear the hateful words they say, the spiteful whispers they mutter.
But, I resigned myself to this lonely existance a long time ago.
'If you're up, you should go back to your home.'
'You haven't changed at all...' her voice was so soft, it reminded me of the night on the roof. My eyes snapped to her face, my breathing halting at the gentle smile that was on her face.
'C'mon Toush. You seriously gonna act like that - I mean, how long have we known eachother? You and I both know the real you, so stop with this couldn't-care-less act.'
She saw right through me.
'I don't know what you're talking about, Kurosaki.'
Please don't hate me
'Yeah, ya do. C'mon, seriously, stop it.'
Stop, stop before it's too late. You mustn't befriend me again... I'll just hurt you.
'The person you knew is gone. He was merely a boy who allowed his emotions to get in the way.'
Please... Please accept this. Go, just... go. You are worth so much more than me...
'The person I knew is still here, Toshiro. The boy who saved me, the boy who cried infront of me, the boy who was selfless enough to save his sister from herself, and carried the burdern of that on his shoulders. You're still you. I can sense it. You're not as poker-faced as you think you are. Now stop being a dickhead, dickhead.'
As she flashed me a grin, I felt my mask slowly cracking.
'Please refrain from calling me that.'
You are the one person who I must not get close to.
'Jesus, you are a stubborn one. Drop it, Toush...'
'No, girl. You are the one who should "drop it".' I tried to keep my voice uncaring and scornful. 'Listen to me, Kurosaki. The boy you knew is gone. He died a long time ago. He is just a figure in your memories.'
Don't reply, please, dear God, don't reply.
It hurt so much to say those things to you. God knows a small part of my soul died as I spewed out those lies to you. Do you hate me now? Please, hate me... It will be a small price to pay for your safety. Karin, why don't you see, I am cursed? Everyone who so much as looks at me meets a horrid end...
'Oi, Hitsugaya!'
I froze... Never has she used my last name. And I never want to hear it again - not falling from her lips. Slowly, oh so slowly, I look at her. My heart clenched, beating at an irregular and erratic rate - I'm scared at what her reaction is. What look adorns her face? Have I gone too far?
As our eyes met, I almost flinched, so terrified at what emotion would be passing through those lilac hues.
But, what I found swirling in those orbs what not what I had expected at all...
There was not even a hint of annoyance, hurt or anger. Just mild amusement and exasperation - as if she had anticipated what I was going to say.
'Come here, Toush' she said, patting the patch of bed beside her. I stumbled to where her hand had roughly pointed to, perching on the edge of the bed.
'Did you seriously think that that was gonna work? I mean - c'mon! Besides... I'm not your sister. I'm not going to break at any given moment, okay? So chill out for a second, would you?'
'I thought I had managed to get rid of you...' She chuckled good naturedly.
'Naah, I'm in the after life now. You got no chance!' She flashed me her signature smile and I could help the small tug on the corners of my lips - one I was sure she didn't miss.
'Most people would have run a mile if I had said what I did to them.'
'Well, I'm not most people!' I looked at her, slightly incredulous.
'Most people don't take the time to get to know you. If they did, then they'd see you're really just a big softie and not that much of a prick...' I shot her a glare and she just laughed.
'Oh shut up! You know it's true.' she said, poking my ribs.
'Karin. Don't push it.' I growled, elbowing her side.
I instantly regretted it when she gasped, clutching her side.
Shit I thought she's barely healed.
'Karin,' I said, concerned, slipping my arm round her 'Karin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...'
Her shoulders started to shake, and I felt a lump rise in my throat. Had I really just reduced my only friend to tears?
She turned to face me, a rogue grin spreading across her visage - she was laughing.
'PSYCH!' she yelled, inbetween laughs, 'Sorry, what were you saying about not being soft?'
'Should've just left you to that hollow...' I grumbled, trying to supress the sheer relief I had felt when I found she had been joking.
'Yeah, yeah. I know you'd miss me.'
And just like that, we were back to how we were before. I felt as if a hole in my heart was starting to heal, as if the whole world wasn't as cruel, wasn't as hard. I realised living without this girl, this radiant light in my life, was no longer an option. I needed her; and yet, I didn't feel scared, because I knew - as I had known for a long time - that she would never leave me alone. I was truly endebted to her.
And in that moment, that one split second, I knew my life belonged to her. She had given me reason to live, reason to carry on this struggle know as life. My life was her for the taking, and nothing could have made me happier...