Freight Train
There's been something I've been trying not to think about for a while not. But soon it will be front and center I'm sure of it. They put her on morphine. Her kidneys are having problems. Fluid is thick in her lungs. Her heart is barely functional... All of this has been a long time coming. It fills me with rage that people have not been pushing her harder and all, but its probably a good things I'm not there doing it as it might of done more harm than good.
It kind of upsets me though. It really does. From over here it almost sounds like people are giving up. That the struggle is almost over. I so want to yell bullshit, but what do I know? I'm here in New fucking Hampshire. I can't talk to the doctors myself. I can't pump their brain for alternatives that don't suck. And the decisions my siblings have been making? Gah... I have a very different view of all of this than them. I have this thing in the back of my head telling me she can fight back against all that's happened to her if only she wanted to. If she had the will power to try. That those around her have given up to easily.
But then I hear dad's over optimism. Such a contrast from everyone else. But its just optimism. Not a call for trying harder. But an assumption that everything will be ok if we just wait and rest.
Resting is pretty much how we got here.
Resting, and wanting to have things too good. Not striving to last longer and thus have more good experiences, but using them all up quickly, trying to pack as much in as possible. Either giving up, or thinking giving up is the right thing to do since it will turn out ok. These are not options. These are not plans. Maybe I'm just in the denial phase or what ever psyche crap you want to throw at me, but fuck it all, I thought things were going to be changed. That something was going to be done when my sister came home to take care of her. But nope. Chaos reigned as per usual.
The decay is one of the reasons I had to get out of there. I knew this all the way back in high school. I had to get away. To be on my own, able to build life instead of live in the long good bye scene. I've grown so much. Maybe I had hopped that the same would of happened to those I had left behind. If that's true, then call me a fool.
Some time in the next few weeks, I am very likely to loose my mom. I long for a year that November doesn't bring saddness.
It kind of upsets me though. It really does. From over here it almost sounds like people are giving up. That the struggle is almost over. I so want to yell bullshit, but what do I know? I'm here in New fucking Hampshire. I can't talk to the doctors myself. I can't pump their brain for alternatives that don't suck. And the decisions my siblings have been making? Gah... I have a very different view of all of this than them. I have this thing in the back of my head telling me she can fight back against all that's happened to her if only she wanted to. If she had the will power to try. That those around her have given up to easily.
But then I hear dad's over optimism. Such a contrast from everyone else. But its just optimism. Not a call for trying harder. But an assumption that everything will be ok if we just wait and rest.
Resting is pretty much how we got here.
Resting, and wanting to have things too good. Not striving to last longer and thus have more good experiences, but using them all up quickly, trying to pack as much in as possible. Either giving up, or thinking giving up is the right thing to do since it will turn out ok. These are not options. These are not plans. Maybe I'm just in the denial phase or what ever psyche crap you want to throw at me, but fuck it all, I thought things were going to be changed. That something was going to be done when my sister came home to take care of her. But nope. Chaos reigned as per usual.
The decay is one of the reasons I had to get out of there. I knew this all the way back in high school. I had to get away. To be on my own, able to build life instead of live in the long good bye scene. I've grown so much. Maybe I had hopped that the same would of happened to those I had left behind. If that's true, then call me a fool.
Some time in the next few weeks, I am very likely to loose my mom. I long for a year that November doesn't bring saddness.