Rules for Bored Enlisted Men in Non-Essential Duty at Stargate Command

[izhilzha]

All right, I am posting this for all my fellow Stargate SG-1 fans. The list was written by my friend JD, aka He Who Has No LJ. I promised him I would post it here, in hopes that you all would enjoy it.

Without further ado, then, I present to you
Rules for Bored Enlisted Men in Non-Essential Duty at Stargate Command.

By Jake Dominguez

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I may not use the iris to recreate the openers of James Bond movies.

In addition, I may not use my sidearm in said recreation, even if it is not loaded.

I may not leave containers of talcum powder on the Base Commander's desk.

I may not suspend my BDUs from the ceiling with black thread and claim that Reetou rebels have invaded posing as Air Force personnel.

I may not remove and/or eat all blue Jello in the commissary before Major Carter has had dinner, as this makes her irritable and less likely to come up with a solution to save Earth.

There are no such things as "Jaffa Cookies."

I may not replace all candles in the supply rooms with Fun-Nee brand Self-Dousing Birthday Candles.

The corridors are not for skating.

I may not ask newly-arrived personnel to fetch Gate Polish.

I may not ask the Chief Medical Officer about Due South, Cheers, or being in the Mummy movies.

I may not use the following as an excuse for not reporting for duty: Glowing bacteria, nanobots, "cavemanism", amnesia, posession by a sentient computer program, hallucinations, cranial implants, "getting older", or ascending.

I will not taunt NID personnel, even if Colonel O'Neill gives permission.

I may not call Sgt. Siler "Crispy."

I am not prohibited from worshipping ancient gods who have not been discovered to be Goa'uld, but I will not hold services during duty hours.

The iris is not for slicing cold cuts or cheese.

I will not hold movie screenings in the conference room, and I additionally will not charge admission.

I will not abuse Dr. Jackson's fish.

I will not change nameplates on lockers, armories or near doorways.

I will not place a Jaffa helmet in anyone's bunk.

Zat'nik'atels are not to be used for cooking purposes.

I should be aware Dr. Jackson is fluent in twenty-three languages and will know if I insult fellow personnel in Latin, Goa'uld, or German.

I will not claim my pet hamster is lost and that Teal'c's prim'ta ate it.

I shall not use floodlights and reflective cream to convince fellow personnel I am an Ancient.

I shall not soap the Control Room windows.

I also shall not create a detailed matte painting of Jaffa advancing through the Gate on the Conference Room windows.

I shall not use the alien holographic disguise devices for pranks.

I shall not ask visiting Tok'ra if they can use their eyes to help me replace a burnt-out lightbulb in a dark corridor.

I will not brace myself in a corner of the base and when questioned, claim I am holding the mountain up.

I will not put bottles of Grecian Formula 44 or Just For Men in Colonel O'Neill's locker.

When inquired, I shall relay my true name and rank. I shall not claim to be System Lord Ra, a short-haired Nox, Colonel O'Neil with one "L", Yomama Desala, Sheik Yerbouti, Quetzalcoatl, Maj. Matt Mason, or a pacifist Ashrak.

I shall not clean the quantum mirror.

I will not take a staff weapon into the garbage compactor and pretend to be Han Solo.

It is not acceptable to buy a Klingon honor sash prop on Ebay as a gift for Teal'c. Even if he was delighted to recieve it.

I will not remonstrate the senior technicians for "leaving the dialing computers on overnight", claiming that there is "an energy shortage."

If selected to accompany an SG team in a support function on a mission, I will not prepare for embarkation by donning trunks and a snorkel.

And finally, when being discharged, I shall not claim SG-1 is cancelled and try to get everyone to sing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary."

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Also, if this inspires any other possible rules, leave them in the comments and we will add them to the list! :-)