Mothers
I have always had a contentious relationship with my mother since as far back as I remember. I think a lot of it came from how my dad seemed to view her and how she didn't seem to make sense to me, but also lots of resentment about her opting for eastern treatments of eczema vs western even when western was available. The people I have had the worst arguments with and that have triggered my utmost anger have been my mother and Jeannette, which I think makes sense.
As I have gotten older I have retained my sense of responsibility to her but am also trying to set my own boundaries and define what is actually my shit to deal with and what is actually hers. I doubt she took any tests but my guess is that her love language would be acts of service. Doing the things she asks for, quickly and without question is what tells her she is loved. Not words, affection, gifts, or anything. When she talks to me it is very task based but under it I do know she loves me but I don't think she is equipped with the tools to talk much about emotions aside from her constant sense of victimization and neglect.
One time I was at her house to help her with things around the house (simple things such as taking the trash out, cleaning the floors, hanging her laundry) and she said how her friends' children always visit them and try to find time to spend with them. I pointed out that when I spend time with her it is because she wants me to do things, and when I talk about anything going on in my life she does not really react or seem to care about it.
All that to say that I am fully aware that my own mother and my own relationship with her is kind of messed up and dysfunctional. And in a lot of ways J's mother is very functional with a strong relationship with him.
But she has been getting on my nerves. Lol and I can't really tell Jason about it because I don't want to put him in a tough spot of like either having to defend his mother or having to back me up to his mother. I've been holding in my mind since Saturday afternoon.
Basically it's petty shit and not really anything to hold against her, I think it's more indicative of how she feels about people who are partners of her children.
So if you're ready for the petty tea, come right this way haha.
Saturday 4/30/22
His mother's flight was supposed to arrive at 12:10pm. The night previous his dad had told him to park so that we can greet her at the gate. Originally J had wanted to drive his mother back home but we did not have time to practice driving on the freeway and he didn't feel confident enough about it so I told him I would drive.
Some context for my mood on this Saturday afternoon: this entire week I had been feeling sick. I had a killer sore throat, aches and pains throughout my body and random sweating and night sweats. I had noticed that J does not seem to express concern or check on me when I'm sick and I brought it up to him and we had a bit of an argument over it. He said that because I acted the same and looked the same, he couldn't tell something was wrong. I knew he was wrong because I had consciously and intentionally chosen to not act more energetic than I felt. I said way less than I normally do and responded in a slow manner.
But he said I still seemed the same. So I asked do I have to be like passed out on the ground, sneezing up a storm or coughing my lungs out before you take it seriously?? And he said no it's just he can't relate very well because he doesn't get sick often and when he does it isn't that bad.
In the midst of the argument I came to the realization that the reason I'm so worked up is because Andrew took very good care of me when I was sick. He would make me tea, check on me every day to see how I was doing, and ask if I am feeling okay. He would buy me medicine. But it feels like I have to ask J to take care of me and even then he's sort of reluctant.
Perhaps I have to wait until he gets really sick for him to understand but I don't want him to get sick lol.
Anyway so the whole week I hadn't been feeling well but I took an at home covid test and tested negative, and I didn't want to lose out on my hours so I pushed myself to go to all my sessions even though every day I felt worse.
On top of that, J was buying like organizer shelves and stuff so that we can declutter our house and make it look a bit more spacious. At first I was hurt because I thought our house was fine as it is and J said he was fine with it too but there can be a better way of distributing things so we have more surfaces to put our things. So I was sick and lying in bed watching him clean up around the house and I felt it was not right of me to not help despite feeling exhausted so I pitched in too.
Therefore, when I was heading out to get her I was already not feeling very great but I thought okay I will pick her up, then we can go get lunch, then drop her of at her airbnb and get home around 3 or so.
So we got to LAX and I went in the parking lot, which is very unusual for me because when I pick up my mom I always just wait by the curb for her. Then we walked to try to find his mother's terminal at which point she texts to say she's landed and got her luggage already and will wait for us at the curb, we don't need to park. But we had already parked -_- So we ended up walking quite a ways to meet her and then walking quite a ways back.
She hasn't been directly rude to me in any way but I can tell what's going on. When I said something she would not answer, and even if she asks me a question and I answer, she then follows that with silence. I hung back behind them so they could talk and such but when ever I joined there was a vibe from her of like "why do you need to talk so much" x_x.
We went to the bathroom together and she said oh you don't speak Mandarin? And I said I can speak some but generally me and J only speak in English most of the time and she didn't say anything to that.
So I was driving and the whole drive was the two of them talking, which was fine except that even if I chimed in, which was maybe about 3 times total over the ride there would be a dead silence following what I said. We decided to go to Baccali's to eat lunch and I got the porridge. She said you just got porridge by itself? And I said oh I got the fried dough sticks to go with it. And she said in Taiwan we don't have fried dough sticks with the porridge...I don't know. Now that I'm writing it, it feels really very petty of me but I think it's good for me to vent the things that frustrated/irritated me because I can't show the irritation in real life.
After the car ride I realized that my best strategy is to only answer when I am asked something. No matter what I said it was met with silence if it was longer than a sentence or two. This was pretty irritating but I kept my calm because I didn't want to seem upset.
Then we went back to my house and she stayed until like 4pm because she couldn't find the address for her airbnb. She didn't want to download the app, and her daughter had gotten the airbnb for her. I had offered to find an airbnb for her and J told me that they would take care of it. So I just wanted to relax but she kept staying with that subtle disdain/ignoring me. I could tell J had not noticed but I did.
Then they left to go to the airbnb after contacting his sister, and she joked that he would come home in the morning and I joked along saying "see you in the morning honey!". He hugged me to say good bye and she said okay okay why such a long hug...and it's like well cause we generally are with each other all the time.
This is literally the first time Jason has been out without me lol. I texted him to ask him to get me Tea Station on the way home because I figured he would be home by 8. He came home around 930ish. I tried to be chill and not text him or anything but after it was close to 8 I started getting upset and reminding him that I had work Sunday night. He came home soon after and he said he was going to go see her in the morning before I woke up. I asked if he could come home around 12 so we can spend a little time together before I went to work.
I ended up having a telehealth 10-12pm so I didn't even get to sleep in T_T Then I told him that if he wants to just stay at his mom's airbnb it's okay and he said no it's okay I'm coming back. Then when he came home he was a bit patronizing saying "ohh did you miss me a lot???" and I was like "I missed you a normal amount?" It just rubbed me the wrong way because I think I've been pretty reasonable over all. Not once did his mom thank me for picking her up or driving her around, and J needs my car to drive her around. Then she basically ignored me as much as politeness would allow. She would either cut me off to talk about something totally different or not respond at all to things that I said.
So I was pretty irritated.
I left for work and had a very tiring shift but it was pretty nice and productive. Before I had left home I asked him to send me the schedule for the next 2 weeks because his mom is here to see his sister graduate so there will be some family plans as well. He sent me the schedule and then when I got home he mentioned that he wanted to eat Monday night with me and his mom. And I got a bit upset because I had planned on doing some other things and I said I asked you for a schedule so I know when I'm supposed to be somewhere and what I'm supposed to be doing. Why wouldn't you include dinner in the schedule?
Then it moved into other areas as arguments do. I was very very upset because I was telling him it's inconsiderate to not tell people when there's a plan or ask them and as I got upset he started withdrawing. I could see his soul retreat deep in his body and he kind of curled up like "I don't want to deal with this". So I just called him annoying and went to my car to smoke in my car.
I was crying really hard and he came to find me after a while and we talked a bit and I told him I feel like I'm not supposed to say anything, because when I say things the situation seems to worsen even when I'm trying to resolve things and fix things. He explained his perspective to me which I appreciated but I didn't feel up to making up, I was still upset. So I told him "I see" and "I understand" and he asked should I go back in? And I said Yeah. And he asked are you coming with me? And I said "in a bit". And then he left and I cried horribly in the car a bit.
I'm fairly sure I'm going to start my period so things that would normally upset me now make me cry really hard lol but I think the source is still legitimate. So after smoking a joint and hotboxing by myself I went inside to talk to him again to try to work things out. And I don't remember all that was said but we did makeup and I told him that his mother will model and follow his example of how to treat me. If he doesn't answer me, or ignores me, or cuts me off, then she feels she is able to do so as well. And I am okay with her not caring for me, but I need J to watch out for me instead of going with his mother's flow. I said how he treats me will show her how you value me, and if he just ignores me she will continue to do so as well. So that seemed to get through to her.
Then we had more of a conversation where I told him I felt like he looked down on me or felt disdain for me that I am sick and it isn't my choice to be weak, to have a weak immune system. And after a lot of verbiage (mostly mine), I told him "Please don't judge me. I don't judge you as much as I can." And this seemed to really help him understand what I meant.
So currently thing are pretty harmonious between J and I. But with his mom, I am just being careful to not step into any of her traps, to stand up for myself in a firm but polite way, and to still consistently be polite because I want to have a healthy relationship with her but I think currently she has not yet accepted me. And it may take a couple years for her to accept me, and that is what I'm going to expect and plan for.