the past
i turned 32 this year, about 2 weeks ago. this year seems to be zipping past, i can't believe it's near the end of august and we are heading into my favorite time of year-- autumn.
and i don't know, i feel that i'm lucky in that i have never done anything that i regretted terribly like some kind of crime against humanity. because lately it feels like the past is reaching out to me and reminding me of where i came from.
my memory has always been odd. i kind of just keep tracking of my immediate past and future, and let everything else fall into "core memories". but then those core memories are never retrieved. the hilarious thing is that i used to blog so that i can remember all the things that happened. yet, i have a gap in my memory from maybe 2010/2011 til...2017? i am not quite sure, i don't even know how long the gap is for. me and jeannette refer to it as the dark ages. because when i see pictures, i DO remember. but if i am not reminded, so much of that time is lost, and my timeline is scattered all over the place.
there is a youtuber i've been following called Of Herbs and Altars and she has something called the Nostalgia Project, where she is writing a book based on her experiences as a young goth girl growing up in the UK who was struggling with drugs and an eating disorder. every once in a while she posts a video where she reads out loud another chapter out of that life. i want to do something like that. triangulate my timeline, go through my emails and my livejournal entries to try to parse out what exactly happened. or as much as i can.
because the thing is, those livejournal entries i wrote in order to preserve my memories, tended to be oblique and referential rather than laying down actual facts. sure, it's mysterious and "cool", but ruins the entire purpose behind the exercise.
anyway, i purchased a microsoft surface, something i have been wanting since 2014. haha. so now that i have a nice laptop to type on, i will try to restart blogging regularly. i plan to write about 3 times a week to start with, maybe more if i can make it.
what i am currently doing is working. but my work has me going back to my university where i was for 7 years. the memories are so subtle. the smells and sounds are similar but there are new spots and new additions. it is a much nicer place than it was when i left, very considerate. there are nice benches with outlets right next to them, strategically placed like airport waiting seats. it's kind of nice. i like being back in my past, but it is also unnerving. it feels like i'm unlocking old memories or feelings, but it is still wispy and hard to grasp.
and i don't know, i feel that i'm lucky in that i have never done anything that i regretted terribly like some kind of crime against humanity. because lately it feels like the past is reaching out to me and reminding me of where i came from.
my memory has always been odd. i kind of just keep tracking of my immediate past and future, and let everything else fall into "core memories". but then those core memories are never retrieved. the hilarious thing is that i used to blog so that i can remember all the things that happened. yet, i have a gap in my memory from maybe 2010/2011 til...2017? i am not quite sure, i don't even know how long the gap is for. me and jeannette refer to it as the dark ages. because when i see pictures, i DO remember. but if i am not reminded, so much of that time is lost, and my timeline is scattered all over the place.
there is a youtuber i've been following called Of Herbs and Altars and she has something called the Nostalgia Project, where she is writing a book based on her experiences as a young goth girl growing up in the UK who was struggling with drugs and an eating disorder. every once in a while she posts a video where she reads out loud another chapter out of that life. i want to do something like that. triangulate my timeline, go through my emails and my livejournal entries to try to parse out what exactly happened. or as much as i can.
because the thing is, those livejournal entries i wrote in order to preserve my memories, tended to be oblique and referential rather than laying down actual facts. sure, it's mysterious and "cool", but ruins the entire purpose behind the exercise.
anyway, i purchased a microsoft surface, something i have been wanting since 2014. haha. so now that i have a nice laptop to type on, i will try to restart blogging regularly. i plan to write about 3 times a week to start with, maybe more if i can make it.
what i am currently doing is working. but my work has me going back to my university where i was for 7 years. the memories are so subtle. the smells and sounds are similar but there are new spots and new additions. it is a much nicer place than it was when i left, very considerate. there are nice benches with outlets right next to them, strategically placed like airport waiting seats. it's kind of nice. i like being back in my past, but it is also unnerving. it feels like i'm unlocking old memories or feelings, but it is still wispy and hard to grasp.