2010 in Review . . .
2010 in the rearview mirror - I'm glad it's over.
=============================
This is a year that I started [on NYE] by saying "It couldnt possibly be worst that 2009", the first part of it I took impulsive decisions and went ahead with grand plans without giving it enough thought, which resulted in a serious nervous breakdown and complete crash and burn in the middle of the year, a serious "turnaround" and personal crisis in the fall, and I am just starting to fall on my feet again. BYE BYE 2010... I wont miss ya!
In 2010 I :
+ got a "real, steady" job after 10 years of steady precarity/unemployment
+ got fired for being late too much
+ stopped taking anti-depressors after 3 years of being heavily medicated
+ moved 2 times in 2 months
+ rented an apartment I couldnt afford for 2 months
+lived in boxes all summer and fall
+ had big dermatillomania problems in the summer
+ almost lost my boyfriend of 5 years
+ neglected my cat, my home and myself while I was depressed
+ fought with the old tiger for really stupid things
+ wasted time
+ did not write one single story or novel or zine or do anything artistic at all
It was a hard year but lots of it was eventually consequences of bad choices and bad judgement on my part. I did not take the time to assess my state of mind, health, and did not know nor respect my limits, and threw myself in projects and plans that were not what I wanted or needed. Ie the job + apartment, and cutting off my meds cold turkey with no doctor supervision or support.
I did put the ship back on course by the end of the year to salvage the essential of my life; I let go of my apartment to move back home, reconnected with Gaétan after 2 months apart, and even managed to give a small Xmas bash at home despite limited means. I was not able to buy all the gifts I wanted to give people or make it as abundant as in years past, it was an exercise in humility and that is very hard for me to do; at least almost all my friends were there [missing two, one was sick the other had a work emergency, so they would have been there if they could have] and I must say it was a really great time and most importantly the old tiger came to spend time with me and that was very important.
======================================
In 2010 I did accomplish some things :
+I drove a car for the first time
+I started using mascara for the first time in my life [yes, I am 33]
+I actually am getting good at putting eye-shadow on and not looking like a clown
+I went to a real hotel and rented a room for the first time in my life
+Me & the old tiger finally went back to Les Salons d'Edgar after I wanted to go back for like 2 years
+Great meal at the Poisson d'Avril restaurant, one of the best I ever had in my life!!! YUM!!
+went to Gaétan's place in Montréal for the first time after he had been living there for almost a year, and had great times there
+started using Amigo Express carpool [paying 30$ round-trip to Mtl instead of 86$ on the bus]
+got on the Montreal subway a lot
+travelled to Montréal with Aimé a lot
+shaved Aimé's hair for the first time [he's a Norwegian Forest Cat with a double waterproof coat]
+discovered the Coronel restaurant smoked meat and delicious soups
+actually got my doctor to send the medical paper that states I am unable to hold a regular job and obtained a 300$ per month increase on my welfare check, in August after like 5 years of trying
+went back to see my doctor and realized he was there to help
+was able to get a monthly bus pass again from September
+did appreciate longs nightly walks in Quebec City a lot this summer
+started using my iPod again after months of not using it [I was so depressed no music appealed to me whatsoever]
+reconnected with my old friend Steph after a misunderstanding of over 2 years
+let go of many unneeded negative people
+started going to l'Ostra again after a long while of not going anymore
+started playing pool again
+played Monopoly while eatign soup & sandwiches with th eold tiger in my overpriced apartment in July & August
+enabled Aimé to go outside with a leash
+am seeing Marcel more often since I moved back
+stopped scratching myself so dermatillomania spots and scars are GONE
+I ate sufficiently so I regained weight to a normal 120-125 lbs (beginning the year I was barely 100)
+was able to earn money correcting university papers and got new clients
+introduced my boyfriend and my friends to my father [ a first in 5 years]
=========================
THINGS TO IMPROVE
Right now I feel really sluggish. I was busy for Xmas and my Xmas bash on Dec 28th, I was late minute to get the food and gifts, my Xmas decorations were installed on the morning of Dec 24th at 6am, then it was New Year's an dmy boyfriend was visiting, and I had a ton of movies to watch.
Now I feel really vacuous and empty. I feel tired without doing nothing and I oversleep a lot. Like, over 12 hours a day, I swear. It may be because it's cold outside and I dont feel like getting all dressed up or because I'm broke and cant go anywhere but I'm literrally doing nothing. Sleep, eat, watch tv, internet... I feel like I'm wasting the days away. I hate myself for doing it but I cant seem to find the motivation. I used to be a really naive, enthusiastic person always up to something. It's like in 2010, I was really shook from my roots and I almost fell down like a tree cut down. I am still standing, but I feel shaky. I know it's all up to me, but I dont feel like doing it. I am painfully aware of how pathetic and lazy this sounds. It's like I've lost the lust I had for my dreams. As if, I cannot say that I am totally jaded, but I certainly am not as wide-eyed and hopeful as I used to be, and I dont know how to get that sparkle back. It's like the enchantment has been broken, and you cannot glue back the pieces. I am waiting for it to grow back in my heart, for it to come back naturally, but with each day that passes, it doesnt.
I should be writing my novels, but how can you do something creative when you have zero inspiration? I feel like my creativity is a candle that was put out. Like I am out of material, out of energy, out of electricity, I feel bland, boring, not sexy, uninteresting, redundant. I've lost the bounce in my step and I dont know how to get it back. IT SUCKS and I hate this feeling. When am I going to get back to my normal self?? Of course I am better than this summer when I was in complete panic mode, or a few months earlier when I was sinking in depression, so I can only hope I will keep getting better . . . hoping that time will heal some wounds.
I do am grateful for everything I have. I got some financial security without having to work a regular job [even though I'm still temporarily broke because of other problems, it should get better by mid-year and I shall actually be able to enjoy my money a bit then], my cat is in great health and he is the most loving little animal ever, I have a great house, awesome friends, the love of my life is still there by my side after 5 years and a half of the best and the worst [even though the long-distance thing is not easy, we must see it as an opportunity to enjoy the both cities instead of a distance between us . . .not always obvious], I am in relatively very good health given my level of inactivity which is very high . . . I really cannot complain. I need to do something though or else I'll feel like I have wasted my life doing nothing and I'll wake up one morning and it's gonna be over.
There are certain things I need to accept that I cannot change. The job fiasco showed me what I can and cannot do. No more regular jobs with a schedule to observe. I cannot do it. I also cannot fight my sleeping patterns. Even if I put an alarm-clock, I dont get up if I still need to sleep. As Kosmo Karmer said : "Dont fight with the body, it's a fight you cant win". I am also tired of harsh privations that I had to endure against my will for a long time. I am giving myself the permission to use my credit cards to live a little. I'm not using them foolishly, I manage my money well, and I am repaying more than what I spend every month. I was always pretty good at doing the most with very little money, but I had a pretty rigid way of handling my finances. I am being more flexible to keep it making sense for the future but also enjoying life in the present. This is more challenging than you can imagine . .. a real brain-racker!
I wont put up "resolutions" because they always feel like obligations and become overwhelming and I resent them if I fail one day and then I drop them because there are too many, it's too hard etc. Instead, here are some GOALS I would like to TRY to attain this year. If one day I cannot do it, IT IS OKAY, I will not culpabilize or berate myself over one little flaw. Here is ideally what I'd like to accomplish but I am aware that this is a process and I can do it gradually and at my own pace and it is in no way an obligation. The goal is not to feel bad but to enjoy your life so yes I am going to try, but not feeling pressured into it.
In 2011, I'd like to try to :::
+ go out at least once a day, even just to take a walk. In the winter, here, it is unlikely this will be done. The mere thought of having to put on tights, big socks, boots, a big sweater, a coat, a scarf, gloves, a hat..... is enough to get discouraged, + the fact I cant even afford a cup of coffee when I'll be out and I'm not even getting a bus pass in January. I will have to walk and I am hoping the weather will be mild so I will actually be able to enjoy walking outside. Thank goodness for iPods. I know I wont be able to do it every single day in the winter. . . but I'll try.
+ write for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am giving myself the Saturday and Sunday off. Knowing myself, the time when I am most likely to feel like writing is at night, especially if I am cooped up in the house and cannot afford to go to a bar or cafe, because I'll want to wait when things are quiet and I wont get interrupted every 5 minutes [my father lives next door]. To tell you the truth, I feel absolutely no desire at all to pick up whichever of my stories to work on it. I'm gonna have to kick myself in the ass to do it, and I wouldnt even know which novel to choose in the 10+ I have in the works, so I'm actually gonna have to put them in a hat and draw one for the week or something. If I get too bored or unispired or stuck, I'll pick a different one from the hat. I am not passionnated by my work anymore, and I must say, I find this alarming. I hope my interest will come back as I work on it again . . .
+ write one snail-mail letter a week. I actually have people I have promised to write to or letters I havent answered. I complain that I dont get any mail anymore but I'm not sending any either. I used to have a very lively mail circulation in my mailbox. Now it's dead. It's so nice to get mail. I feel ashamed to have left it down.
+ write my diary more consistently, as I have been slacking off a lot and then lots of small but lively details get forgotten and lost. I shall try to distinguish what is really worthwhile noting and cutting out on unimportant details to concentrate on what I really want to keep and convey. Not always an easy task. I just feel too lazy to write a lot of the time these past weeks. Just not interested. It scares me how all those things that were so important to me to do, write letters, my diary, my books, zines, etc, are becoming almost nothing to me. Everything I held dear and near is of almost no importance as of late. I dont quite understand what's going on and it does not feel normal. I just cant find the energy or desire to do it anymore. As if I am wasting my time doing it. I know I'm not, but that's how it feels for some reason.
+ drink more water. I am constantly hungry and I have heard that a lot of the time when you feel hungry you really are dehydrated, and I dont drink near enough water in a day, and I do eat a lot "for nothing", ie I'll eat and 5 minutes later I am as hungry as if I never ate all day. I am rarely full or satisfied unless I am having a big meal at a restaurant or something. Also to get a rice cooker [mine died last year] eat more rice and more vegetables and healthier. No more poutines or junk food. Sometimes I crave this junk food but then they are expensive and then you feel gross 3 minutes afterwards. Sometimes I start eating this craving it and I cant even finish it and I'm already disgusted, what a waste. Instead, I'll eat great shish taouk from Liban restaurant or sandwiches from the marche St.Ursule [cheap but great], zucchini on rice, sushi, soy milk in cereal, eggs, dark chocolate, Paingruel bakery bread & brie [when I can afford it], honey, garlic, a little glass of beet juice from Crac at night, and lots of water every day.
+ take generally better care of my body and skin, nails, hair. I must admit I sometimes go many days without taking a shower when I dont go out. This gets you in a cycle when your hair is dirty so you dont want to go out so you dont get dressed so you dont go out so you are inactive so you get lazy so you do nothing so you dont do your nails so you dont shower so you dont take care of yourself because you are feeling blah anyway so what's the use etc and then it is very hard to get motivated to actually take a shower, do your nails, get dressed, get presentable enough to get out. A simple shower every day and you are a lot more motivated to do it and get out. I often feel that it is a tremendous effort to get dressed and out the door in the winter, especially if it is to go walk around in the cold to buy just something I need without the possibility of getting a little extra because I,m really broke, but I never regretted going out and always end up enjoying just the fact of being out in the fresh air, walking around with music in my ears and enjoying the moment and the city, the ferry ride and walking.
I would like to try doing some new forms of art like trying to paint, and I have a few craft ideas like incense holders made of fimo clay, fabric-covered initials, etc to put in my Etsy store. I must say that zine-wise I am pretty blank for the moment. I feel like I really have nothing to say and I feel like my old zines are out of date and not pertinent anymore. I am not sure I will ever make another zine. That feels weird to me, as I have been making zines for 12 years. Maybe I'll make then again. I dont know. The whole "my first language is french and I feel weird making zines in english but then 99% of the zine-reading population only reads zines in english" also bothers me a lot as I dont know what to do about it because I dont know what language to write my zines in and it sucks. It's on the back burner for now.
There are so many things I'd like to be doing. And then there are the 24 hours in the day. And then I dont know where to start, so I do nothing. And I tend to stay up real late at night, so it's dark when I get up. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I need a little push to get out. I'm afraid I'm the only one who can give myself the push, too.
RAAAAAAH. Right now I'm having a sort of James Stewart fixation. I watched my favourite Xmas movie at Xmas, "It's a Wonderful Life", and then checked out "The Shop Around the Corner" and downloaded many other Stewart flicks like "Vertigo", "Rope", "Anatomy of a Murder", "Spirit of St.Louis"... not only is he handsome and elegant but what a great actor! I just love him! I cant really explain why, just his style I guess. So that's what I'm up to right now. Not much. Well, it's only day 3 so I guess I'm not so bad.
also
+ keep my studio clean [like, cleaning every monday afternoon to the sound of a country music radio show that airs from 1 pm to 3 pm, but I didnt do it today cuz I got up at 4. 4pm] I should really be asleep by 3 am if I'm not working, and take a sleeping pill if I dont fall asleep, so I wont get up so late every day. Cuz I find it more motivating to get dressed and out if it's not all dark when I get up.
Wish me motivation, if you wanna wish me something for this year. I seriously need it, like, intravenously, a shot of adrenaline or something. I feel like a pulse line that would fall flat. I'm tired but I havent done anything. What's that? Yeah I have a cold right now and feel stuffy and achy and congested & all but.... I'm going to post a list somewhere and hopefully I'll kick myself a little in the b***.
No one's gonna do it in my place . . . and it's actually fun stuff to do [well, most of it]
so come on . . .
come on . . .
=============================
This is a year that I started [on NYE] by saying "It couldnt possibly be worst that 2009", the first part of it I took impulsive decisions and went ahead with grand plans without giving it enough thought, which resulted in a serious nervous breakdown and complete crash and burn in the middle of the year, a serious "turnaround" and personal crisis in the fall, and I am just starting to fall on my feet again. BYE BYE 2010... I wont miss ya!
In 2010 I :
+ got a "real, steady" job after 10 years of steady precarity/unemployment
+ got fired for being late too much
+ stopped taking anti-depressors after 3 years of being heavily medicated
+ moved 2 times in 2 months
+ rented an apartment I couldnt afford for 2 months
+lived in boxes all summer and fall
+ had big dermatillomania problems in the summer
+ almost lost my boyfriend of 5 years
+ neglected my cat, my home and myself while I was depressed
+ fought with the old tiger for really stupid things
+ wasted time
+ did not write one single story or novel or zine or do anything artistic at all
It was a hard year but lots of it was eventually consequences of bad choices and bad judgement on my part. I did not take the time to assess my state of mind, health, and did not know nor respect my limits, and threw myself in projects and plans that were not what I wanted or needed. Ie the job + apartment, and cutting off my meds cold turkey with no doctor supervision or support.
I did put the ship back on course by the end of the year to salvage the essential of my life; I let go of my apartment to move back home, reconnected with Gaétan after 2 months apart, and even managed to give a small Xmas bash at home despite limited means. I was not able to buy all the gifts I wanted to give people or make it as abundant as in years past, it was an exercise in humility and that is very hard for me to do; at least almost all my friends were there [missing two, one was sick the other had a work emergency, so they would have been there if they could have] and I must say it was a really great time and most importantly the old tiger came to spend time with me and that was very important.
======================================
In 2010 I did accomplish some things :
+I drove a car for the first time
+I started using mascara for the first time in my life [yes, I am 33]
+I actually am getting good at putting eye-shadow on and not looking like a clown
+I went to a real hotel and rented a room for the first time in my life
+Me & the old tiger finally went back to Les Salons d'Edgar after I wanted to go back for like 2 years
+Great meal at the Poisson d'Avril restaurant, one of the best I ever had in my life!!! YUM!!
+went to Gaétan's place in Montréal for the first time after he had been living there for almost a year, and had great times there
+started using Amigo Express carpool [paying 30$ round-trip to Mtl instead of 86$ on the bus]
+got on the Montreal subway a lot
+travelled to Montréal with Aimé a lot
+shaved Aimé's hair for the first time [he's a Norwegian Forest Cat with a double waterproof coat]
+discovered the Coronel restaurant smoked meat and delicious soups
+actually got my doctor to send the medical paper that states I am unable to hold a regular job and obtained a 300$ per month increase on my welfare check, in August after like 5 years of trying
+went back to see my doctor and realized he was there to help
+was able to get a monthly bus pass again from September
+did appreciate longs nightly walks in Quebec City a lot this summer
+started using my iPod again after months of not using it [I was so depressed no music appealed to me whatsoever]
+reconnected with my old friend Steph after a misunderstanding of over 2 years
+let go of many unneeded negative people
+started going to l'Ostra again after a long while of not going anymore
+started playing pool again
+played Monopoly while eatign soup & sandwiches with th eold tiger in my overpriced apartment in July & August
+enabled Aimé to go outside with a leash
+am seeing Marcel more often since I moved back
+stopped scratching myself so dermatillomania spots and scars are GONE
+I ate sufficiently so I regained weight to a normal 120-125 lbs (beginning the year I was barely 100)
+was able to earn money correcting university papers and got new clients
+introduced my boyfriend and my friends to my father [ a first in 5 years]
=========================
THINGS TO IMPROVE
Right now I feel really sluggish. I was busy for Xmas and my Xmas bash on Dec 28th, I was late minute to get the food and gifts, my Xmas decorations were installed on the morning of Dec 24th at 6am, then it was New Year's an dmy boyfriend was visiting, and I had a ton of movies to watch.
Now I feel really vacuous and empty. I feel tired without doing nothing and I oversleep a lot. Like, over 12 hours a day, I swear. It may be because it's cold outside and I dont feel like getting all dressed up or because I'm broke and cant go anywhere but I'm literrally doing nothing. Sleep, eat, watch tv, internet... I feel like I'm wasting the days away. I hate myself for doing it but I cant seem to find the motivation. I used to be a really naive, enthusiastic person always up to something. It's like in 2010, I was really shook from my roots and I almost fell down like a tree cut down. I am still standing, but I feel shaky. I know it's all up to me, but I dont feel like doing it. I am painfully aware of how pathetic and lazy this sounds. It's like I've lost the lust I had for my dreams. As if, I cannot say that I am totally jaded, but I certainly am not as wide-eyed and hopeful as I used to be, and I dont know how to get that sparkle back. It's like the enchantment has been broken, and you cannot glue back the pieces. I am waiting for it to grow back in my heart, for it to come back naturally, but with each day that passes, it doesnt.
I should be writing my novels, but how can you do something creative when you have zero inspiration? I feel like my creativity is a candle that was put out. Like I am out of material, out of energy, out of electricity, I feel bland, boring, not sexy, uninteresting, redundant. I've lost the bounce in my step and I dont know how to get it back. IT SUCKS and I hate this feeling. When am I going to get back to my normal self?? Of course I am better than this summer when I was in complete panic mode, or a few months earlier when I was sinking in depression, so I can only hope I will keep getting better . . . hoping that time will heal some wounds.
I do am grateful for everything I have. I got some financial security without having to work a regular job [even though I'm still temporarily broke because of other problems, it should get better by mid-year and I shall actually be able to enjoy my money a bit then], my cat is in great health and he is the most loving little animal ever, I have a great house, awesome friends, the love of my life is still there by my side after 5 years and a half of the best and the worst [even though the long-distance thing is not easy, we must see it as an opportunity to enjoy the both cities instead of a distance between us . . .not always obvious], I am in relatively very good health given my level of inactivity which is very high . . . I really cannot complain. I need to do something though or else I'll feel like I have wasted my life doing nothing and I'll wake up one morning and it's gonna be over.
There are certain things I need to accept that I cannot change. The job fiasco showed me what I can and cannot do. No more regular jobs with a schedule to observe. I cannot do it. I also cannot fight my sleeping patterns. Even if I put an alarm-clock, I dont get up if I still need to sleep. As Kosmo Karmer said : "Dont fight with the body, it's a fight you cant win". I am also tired of harsh privations that I had to endure against my will for a long time. I am giving myself the permission to use my credit cards to live a little. I'm not using them foolishly, I manage my money well, and I am repaying more than what I spend every month. I was always pretty good at doing the most with very little money, but I had a pretty rigid way of handling my finances. I am being more flexible to keep it making sense for the future but also enjoying life in the present. This is more challenging than you can imagine . .. a real brain-racker!
I wont put up "resolutions" because they always feel like obligations and become overwhelming and I resent them if I fail one day and then I drop them because there are too many, it's too hard etc. Instead, here are some GOALS I would like to TRY to attain this year. If one day I cannot do it, IT IS OKAY, I will not culpabilize or berate myself over one little flaw. Here is ideally what I'd like to accomplish but I am aware that this is a process and I can do it gradually and at my own pace and it is in no way an obligation. The goal is not to feel bad but to enjoy your life so yes I am going to try, but not feeling pressured into it.
In 2011, I'd like to try to :::
+ go out at least once a day, even just to take a walk. In the winter, here, it is unlikely this will be done. The mere thought of having to put on tights, big socks, boots, a big sweater, a coat, a scarf, gloves, a hat..... is enough to get discouraged, + the fact I cant even afford a cup of coffee when I'll be out and I'm not even getting a bus pass in January. I will have to walk and I am hoping the weather will be mild so I will actually be able to enjoy walking outside. Thank goodness for iPods. I know I wont be able to do it every single day in the winter. . . but I'll try.
+ write for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am giving myself the Saturday and Sunday off. Knowing myself, the time when I am most likely to feel like writing is at night, especially if I am cooped up in the house and cannot afford to go to a bar or cafe, because I'll want to wait when things are quiet and I wont get interrupted every 5 minutes [my father lives next door]. To tell you the truth, I feel absolutely no desire at all to pick up whichever of my stories to work on it. I'm gonna have to kick myself in the ass to do it, and I wouldnt even know which novel to choose in the 10+ I have in the works, so I'm actually gonna have to put them in a hat and draw one for the week or something. If I get too bored or unispired or stuck, I'll pick a different one from the hat. I am not passionnated by my work anymore, and I must say, I find this alarming. I hope my interest will come back as I work on it again . . .
+ write one snail-mail letter a week. I actually have people I have promised to write to or letters I havent answered. I complain that I dont get any mail anymore but I'm not sending any either. I used to have a very lively mail circulation in my mailbox. Now it's dead. It's so nice to get mail. I feel ashamed to have left it down.
+ write my diary more consistently, as I have been slacking off a lot and then lots of small but lively details get forgotten and lost. I shall try to distinguish what is really worthwhile noting and cutting out on unimportant details to concentrate on what I really want to keep and convey. Not always an easy task. I just feel too lazy to write a lot of the time these past weeks. Just not interested. It scares me how all those things that were so important to me to do, write letters, my diary, my books, zines, etc, are becoming almost nothing to me. Everything I held dear and near is of almost no importance as of late. I dont quite understand what's going on and it does not feel normal. I just cant find the energy or desire to do it anymore. As if I am wasting my time doing it. I know I'm not, but that's how it feels for some reason.
+ drink more water. I am constantly hungry and I have heard that a lot of the time when you feel hungry you really are dehydrated, and I dont drink near enough water in a day, and I do eat a lot "for nothing", ie I'll eat and 5 minutes later I am as hungry as if I never ate all day. I am rarely full or satisfied unless I am having a big meal at a restaurant or something. Also to get a rice cooker [mine died last year] eat more rice and more vegetables and healthier. No more poutines or junk food. Sometimes I crave this junk food but then they are expensive and then you feel gross 3 minutes afterwards. Sometimes I start eating this craving it and I cant even finish it and I'm already disgusted, what a waste. Instead, I'll eat great shish taouk from Liban restaurant or sandwiches from the marche St.Ursule [cheap but great], zucchini on rice, sushi, soy milk in cereal, eggs, dark chocolate, Paingruel bakery bread & brie [when I can afford it], honey, garlic, a little glass of beet juice from Crac at night, and lots of water every day.
+ take generally better care of my body and skin, nails, hair. I must admit I sometimes go many days without taking a shower when I dont go out. This gets you in a cycle when your hair is dirty so you dont want to go out so you dont get dressed so you dont go out so you are inactive so you get lazy so you do nothing so you dont do your nails so you dont shower so you dont take care of yourself because you are feeling blah anyway so what's the use etc and then it is very hard to get motivated to actually take a shower, do your nails, get dressed, get presentable enough to get out. A simple shower every day and you are a lot more motivated to do it and get out. I often feel that it is a tremendous effort to get dressed and out the door in the winter, especially if it is to go walk around in the cold to buy just something I need without the possibility of getting a little extra because I,m really broke, but I never regretted going out and always end up enjoying just the fact of being out in the fresh air, walking around with music in my ears and enjoying the moment and the city, the ferry ride and walking.
I would like to try doing some new forms of art like trying to paint, and I have a few craft ideas like incense holders made of fimo clay, fabric-covered initials, etc to put in my Etsy store. I must say that zine-wise I am pretty blank for the moment. I feel like I really have nothing to say and I feel like my old zines are out of date and not pertinent anymore. I am not sure I will ever make another zine. That feels weird to me, as I have been making zines for 12 years. Maybe I'll make then again. I dont know. The whole "my first language is french and I feel weird making zines in english but then 99% of the zine-reading population only reads zines in english" also bothers me a lot as I dont know what to do about it because I dont know what language to write my zines in and it sucks. It's on the back burner for now.
There are so many things I'd like to be doing. And then there are the 24 hours in the day. And then I dont know where to start, so I do nothing. And I tend to stay up real late at night, so it's dark when I get up. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I need a little push to get out. I'm afraid I'm the only one who can give myself the push, too.
RAAAAAAH. Right now I'm having a sort of James Stewart fixation. I watched my favourite Xmas movie at Xmas, "It's a Wonderful Life", and then checked out "The Shop Around the Corner" and downloaded many other Stewart flicks like "Vertigo", "Rope", "Anatomy of a Murder", "Spirit of St.Louis"... not only is he handsome and elegant but what a great actor! I just love him! I cant really explain why, just his style I guess. So that's what I'm up to right now. Not much. Well, it's only day 3 so I guess I'm not so bad.
also
+ keep my studio clean [like, cleaning every monday afternoon to the sound of a country music radio show that airs from 1 pm to 3 pm, but I didnt do it today cuz I got up at 4. 4pm] I should really be asleep by 3 am if I'm not working, and take a sleeping pill if I dont fall asleep, so I wont get up so late every day. Cuz I find it more motivating to get dressed and out if it's not all dark when I get up.
Wish me motivation, if you wanna wish me something for this year. I seriously need it, like, intravenously, a shot of adrenaline or something. I feel like a pulse line that would fall flat. I'm tired but I havent done anything. What's that? Yeah I have a cold right now and feel stuffy and achy and congested & all but.... I'm going to post a list somewhere and hopefully I'll kick myself a little in the b***.
No one's gonna do it in my place . . . and it's actually fun stuff to do [well, most of it]
so come on . . .
come on . . .