this one is going to be long. sorry.
one thing i think that has helped me cope with all of this years obsticles is, my own personal journal... the kind you write in, not the kind that has the word "live" infront of it.
ive kept a jounrnal for so long, its where i can say anything i want without someone telling me i am wrong, or someone commenting on my life. its something personal, that i would only let a selected few see. (if that) its somewhere i can paste and tape things in, and smile at them, and never lose them.
....
i was reading through my old journals.. from the past 2 years. i can now see how much i have grown up. it made me so sad to read some of the things, and see some of the pictures i put in there, and to see letters people had wrote me, and even my receipts from the first time i visited new york city. some things i saw in there were things i had forgotten about, and its so refreshing (and depressing) to see these things that at one point mattered the world to me...and quickly forgot about.
after reading some things i am so suprised i am not in a fucking coma. at the beginning of the year... it was the end of 2 years. and i couldnt stop crying. from new years eve, until probably may... i still thought there was a chance. it took me 5 fucking months to figure out that i was in my own bubble having unrealistic expectations. i learned, and now.. i think i am over it. (despite the often questioning)
in april, i moved out for the very first time into a crummy apartment with taylor and brandan. there were nights where we would stay up and get drunk and wake up brandan when he had school in the morning.. but it was bliss, because our parents couldnt tell us what to do. it was fun while it lasted, and it didnt last that long. i dont need to say anything about what did happen, it just did. and for a while i wasnt sure if i would be able to afford living there with just brandan, but somehow, i managed to get through it. even having my things stolen and all.
i broke my tailbone at the end of june at work. it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. nothing has been the same since. i havent been finacially stable since june, and i havent been physically capable of doing everything i used to do since then. it has been hell... and it will be a lot longer until i am able to do things again.. if it ever happens.
rachel moved in, couldnt afford it, then quickly moved out.. without paying me.
jessica soon moved in with me and brandan.. and we got bunkbeds. they scared me.
soon after.. joe and emily moved in, and eventually teddy was there everynight. it was the gutterpunk squatter house. the memories from that place are priceless. hahaha.
we moved into this new house we are in. and i am happy here. ive met so many great people, and i am so thankful for every single person that has stuck by my side. in a way, i am also thankful for those who havent, because you were never worth it in the first place. and, really... i think the people who bailed on me taught me a greater lesson than any others could. ive been walked all over, and ive been tossed back and forth, and i have had my fair share of being an asshole. we all have... i just dont do it behind your back.
im not going to make some lame unrealistic vision in my head of how next year will be, and im not going to say some generic fucking line about how "next year will be different, i will make it different... blah blah blah" because, if i wanted things to be that different, and if i was so unhappy with my life, i would have already changed it. january 31 2004 and december 1 2005 is like today and tomorrow... they arent new lives, and it isnt a chance to start over. its another day for you to procrastinate starting over, and making things right.
this friday.. will be one year from the last time i saw him, it will be one of the hardest things to deal with. im not going to feel sorry for myself. instead, i will get incredibly intoxicated and forget about it. sweet.
hope everyone has a happy new year.
new livejournal coming soon.
<3
alison.
ive kept a jounrnal for so long, its where i can say anything i want without someone telling me i am wrong, or someone commenting on my life. its something personal, that i would only let a selected few see. (if that) its somewhere i can paste and tape things in, and smile at them, and never lose them.
....
i was reading through my old journals.. from the past 2 years. i can now see how much i have grown up. it made me so sad to read some of the things, and see some of the pictures i put in there, and to see letters people had wrote me, and even my receipts from the first time i visited new york city. some things i saw in there were things i had forgotten about, and its so refreshing (and depressing) to see these things that at one point mattered the world to me...and quickly forgot about.
after reading some things i am so suprised i am not in a fucking coma. at the beginning of the year... it was the end of 2 years. and i couldnt stop crying. from new years eve, until probably may... i still thought there was a chance. it took me 5 fucking months to figure out that i was in my own bubble having unrealistic expectations. i learned, and now.. i think i am over it. (despite the often questioning)
in april, i moved out for the very first time into a crummy apartment with taylor and brandan. there were nights where we would stay up and get drunk and wake up brandan when he had school in the morning.. but it was bliss, because our parents couldnt tell us what to do. it was fun while it lasted, and it didnt last that long. i dont need to say anything about what did happen, it just did. and for a while i wasnt sure if i would be able to afford living there with just brandan, but somehow, i managed to get through it. even having my things stolen and all.
i broke my tailbone at the end of june at work. it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. nothing has been the same since. i havent been finacially stable since june, and i havent been physically capable of doing everything i used to do since then. it has been hell... and it will be a lot longer until i am able to do things again.. if it ever happens.
rachel moved in, couldnt afford it, then quickly moved out.. without paying me.
jessica soon moved in with me and brandan.. and we got bunkbeds. they scared me.
soon after.. joe and emily moved in, and eventually teddy was there everynight. it was the gutterpunk squatter house. the memories from that place are priceless. hahaha.
we moved into this new house we are in. and i am happy here. ive met so many great people, and i am so thankful for every single person that has stuck by my side. in a way, i am also thankful for those who havent, because you were never worth it in the first place. and, really... i think the people who bailed on me taught me a greater lesson than any others could. ive been walked all over, and ive been tossed back and forth, and i have had my fair share of being an asshole. we all have... i just dont do it behind your back.
im not going to make some lame unrealistic vision in my head of how next year will be, and im not going to say some generic fucking line about how "next year will be different, i will make it different... blah blah blah" because, if i wanted things to be that different, and if i was so unhappy with my life, i would have already changed it. january 31 2004 and december 1 2005 is like today and tomorrow... they arent new lives, and it isnt a chance to start over. its another day for you to procrastinate starting over, and making things right.
this friday.. will be one year from the last time i saw him, it will be one of the hardest things to deal with. im not going to feel sorry for myself. instead, i will get incredibly intoxicated and forget about it. sweet.
hope everyone has a happy new year.
new livejournal coming soon.
<3
alison.