(no subject)
These past few days have been weird. Have you ever just woke up one day and felt so out of place in your own life? Like you stop and look at whats going on in your life, after you haven't done it in so long and its like wow how did i get here. its not all bad. im so glad i am with someone like josh, hes a great guy, and he loves me, he really does, and im so glad i finally have that because ive been wanting someone like him for a while. it all happened so fast and now i cant imagine not being with him. its so weird that two months ago i was just the same old me, tired of being confused and tired of feeling used (that rhymed, how gay) and now i have the best guy ever. i dont know how i ended up with someone that great, and sometimes i feel like i dont deserve him, but its not a bad thing, im totally fine with it =) on the downside, ive also lost a lot. i remember when me and marisa used to talk and hang out constantly, we stopped for a while, because we were both busy but we're starting to hang out more again and im glad because i have no idea what i would do without her, seriously. and when me heather and sonja were hanging out EVERY WEEKEND...we had soooo much fun, and it was so great, but i kinda screwed that up before me n heather went to the beach and its never been th same since then. then i remember at the beginning of the summer, just hanging out with aaron and heather like every night and drinkin our 40's and smoking cigarettes and going swimming all the time and aaron would have us stay like every night without his stepdad even knowing. then dennis moved in, and we hung out with him all the time too. and then annie came back. and then we started hanging out with joseph. and we hung out allll the time. they were some of the best times ive had, and now theyre completely gone and it's just not the same anymore. and i cant forget caleb. we used to hang out alllll the time. then he got with kellie, and that stopped, and that sucks because we were like best friends. we talked and hung out a lot and i told him like everything. caleb was cool. but now we dont even hang out that much anymore. he stopped by last night at like 11:30 so i had to sit outside so my parents didnt wake up and he was just talking about kellie and i was just like, what happened to him. then..what happened to everyone? like theres no one that i hang out with allll the time, except for josh. everything is totally different and i cant stand that. when i meet people, and they make an impact on me like that, that doesnt go away, and it makes me sad that things change and people move on, but ive got over it before so i know ill get over it now. certain people have stayed with me. marisa and i have been best friends since like 8th grade...even when we hated each other. lol. i dont think she knows how much i value her, i really dont..id seriously be lost without her. okay, every truely tough time that i have had, she has been there, and i cant think of where i would be if she wouldn't have been...she has helped hold me together so much, and i love her x100. and josh, oh my god....he is the best thing to ever happen to me. he treats me insanely good, and, like i said before, at times, i dont think i deserve it, but theres no chance that i dont want it. i fell for him so hard that it scared me, and he knows it scared me, and i totally trust him, its just that i cant help thinking the worst sometimes...and i cant help freaking myself out and getting jealous and being stupid. and im glad he understands that i mean well. because i get mad at him and i get jealous and i freak myself out because i realize how much he is to me, and i realize that hes a huge part of my life. i realize that him hurting me would be the worst pain ive ever felt, because he means so much to me. sometimes i hate every girl hes ever had feelings for, because hes the type of person that doesnt forget about people, and doesnt forget feelings, and when he sees an ex or talks to her, i knowwwwww even if he says its NOTHING AT ALL there has to be something or he wouldnt know it was there, and the fact that he feels anything for another girl, yes it makes me extremely jealous. the thought that one day this could be over, and he could feel 10x more for some other girl and be good to some other girl and make her happy hurts. yeah, i know im totally overdramatic sometimes, but i just really love him, and ive never felt this way about anyone, and i cant help but look at the bad sometimes, because thats me. but overall, he is just great...it sounds generic but i cant think of anything else to say. and everyone who has stuck by me, i love all of you too. i dont know where id be without everyone i mentioned in here because everyone has shaped who i am now im one way or another. yeah....and i finally run out of shit to say.