Update: Mental
This will be a mismash. Just a collection of thoughts in my head with no real order. So it may not make a lot of sense.
I got rid of a really toxic person in my life. I’d known them for a year or so and all they could do is twist things into how much effort they put out and how much they suffered being a friend of mine. Of course now that I’m no longer talking to them I’m the psycho and the narcissist and whatever litany of projecting words they use.
The thing that I’ve noticed from all this falderal is that when I try to ignore the lessons that have been branded into me by crappy people, the more time and energy I waste on people that really aren’t meant for me to invest time in. While it is doubtful that people like that friend will ever scar me, I do waste time, emotions, and empathy upon their unending psychodrama. Psychodrama that they create for themselves and refuse to do any shadow work to change.
And in the endgame it still comes out the same; There’s connection and a friendship to be had there...but it’s not worth the work. Not if someone isn’t willing to do their lion’s share of work on their end. At least that’s the way I feel on it.
Personally for me it was nice and edifying to see the same ham-fisted tricks my past abusers used on me by this person and I merely stepped to the side, gave there-theres, or shrugged. I didn’t get fully engaged like I did in the past. I knew that if I did like I did back then, they’d use it as a cudgel to hold me culpable. It was edifying to learn that I had learned enough, that I could still be me and still be there (Though never enough), and still see this person turn the same tricks in the end that I thought they’d do.
I don’t think this person an actual evil person but maybe that’s a growth point for me too. Very few people are. But still even though they might have the right intentions doesn’t mean that you should be friends with them or love them. Or maybe you should love them from a distance or whatever combination works best.
Intention isn’t good enough. There have to be positive results in the connection to keep a person close. Constantly having to relitigate the same issues month after month isn’t good for anyone. So maybe the best solution is a break for however long. Maybe the solution is to never talk to them again. Maybe the solution is to increase distance. Maybe the solution is the renegotiate the connection. Who knows?
The point I’m starting to learn is that it’s really pointless to point fingers and find out who is more at fault. That’s the wrong accounting and being penny wise and dollar foolish. It’s easier to say things didn’t work out and go from there. Things didn’t connect in the way hoped and we’re all going to have our own story on it. So long as both sides achieve some equilibrium where we’re both not suffering, it’s a solution.
I’m just getting more agnostic about right ways of doing things and more concentrating about comfort. I’ve spent so many years twisting myself into forms that hurt me; both because I was required to or my own trauma-informed damage. I even remember one relationship where every time I shifted when we snuggled while asleep that they’d shift and do a grunt of disapproval so I’d stay in the same position until my joints and muscles screamed in pain, then I called myself a failure because I had to move and disturb them. That’s insane. Not going to do it again and I certainly had part in not healing myself beforehand in my own toxic thoughts.
Speaking of trauma-informed data, I’ve noticed a huge flaw in my pattern. I’ve started realizing that somewhere in my brain my thought process is real friends know the trauma part of my story. And not just the story, but me reopening the wounds and showing what it felt like. Not quite reliving but close.
A lot if it is just toxic thoughts. The only people who care about you are when you’re at your worst, bad relationships where the only time they respect your boundaries was when you eviscerate yourself and told them the full story of why you don’t want someone to do that. Really toxic significant others who only care about you when you’re in pain or suffering. There’s a lot of toxic baggage in that one. I’m still finding how this connects.
Either way this malingering though is that I’m not real unless I’m in pain. People will leave me unless I have a breakdown and they stay. Caring is only valid after I break down. Stupid shit.
I start channeling darkness when I don’t really feel it. Pick at scabs needlessly. Just generally self-sabotage.
It leads me to become needlessly dark. It estranges me from others. It makes me feel alone when I’m really not.
I’m not sure where all that will lead as it’s an idea only a day old but it’s a pervasive problem with me and I think I can uproot this given some time. I CAN rewrite this aspect of myself.
Another thing I’m almost to the point of is getting to the point of self-confidence that whatever I feel about myself, I am in some fashion. That I can trust what I feel and see about myself and be confident in what I feel about that. That I don’t need to worry about being egotistical.
Honestly, I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful girl. Not just generically beautiful but strikingly beautiful; ya love me or hate me. I like my voice and I love singing for the people I care about and serenading others. I love my connection with movies and music and love showing others. I love sharing myself with others and delving into the depths of people I care about. I love seeing things through their eyes.
...Maybe I’m pretty neat.
And maybe that belief and feeling is enough. I don’t need years of evidence to prove that, for the most part, I am this. Or say that I’m X but with this following page of caveats. Maybe I can give up treating myself as the worst enemy in the room. I’m starting to believe that maybe giving myself a little bit more internal freedom won’t turn me into a bloodthirsty narcissist that will destroy my friends. Or whatever toxic garbage that’s in vogue in my mind this season.
However that is in really early alpha.
That’s just my thoughts from the mental side. I’ll update later with the physical side of my life.