realization
I feel strange, I feel like crying. And Im not sure why? Im happy really nothings wrong with me. I'm not hurt at all.
Thats a lie, I know exactly whats wrong with me, but I cant manage enough courage to say it out loud. My heart is broken and for awhile I thought I could mend it. But I was wrong Im not strong enough, and I hate that Ive become so weak. I hate what Ive become.
And I cant stand it. I hate feeling like Im less than her. Knowing that once she was your world, and I was nothing. I know I shouldnt blame her or you. This is all my fault, my fault for loving you so much. And even a year afterwards my heart still aches for you. Your touch, your face, your kiss. But it will never be mine, and I fear ill never feel the touch of someones lips on my own for fear of the scorn and pain of rejection.
Ive never felt this way before. I watch you live and laugh and love, while my heart is being ripped to shreds. I dont want to die, I want to live. But I dont want to live this way. Its shameful, how can a persons veins be filled with so much hate and still be alive. I feel torn, my chest aches you've left me dying, I hate you I love you, and for that I hate myself.
How could you have done this! I loved you! How could I have been so stupid! You made everyone think Im a freak I hate you. No one looks at me the same anymore. They treat me like Im this sociopath who has nothing to live for. I trusted you! With everyting I had, You know I was hurt! You knew it! And you did this to me.You Bastard!
From this day forward I will be a different person, a person who lives without a heart.