Turn The Lights Down Low - Commentary Edition 1/7
Author: Odd
Title: Turn The Lights Down Low [Commentary Edition]
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 34,000
Spoilers: You can not spoil what was never real.
Summary: For this prompt on the kink meme. "Chris was fine with Kurt getting his first kiss with a boy before he did, and he was fine with Kurt getting a boyfriend before he did. But when he reads the script for the senior prom episode (a.k.a. the one where Kurt and pretty much all of ND book hotel rooms and go all the way), he decides that he's had enough of being jealous that his on-screen alter ego is getting all the action.
After a long and thorough process of deciding who the lucky recipient of his V-card is going to be (seriously, he made flowcharts), he decides on Darren, who -- after being reassured that Chris hasn't fallen madly in love with him, he just wants Darren to fuck him in the ass -- Darren happily obliges. Hot first-time sex ensues.
Welcome to my first ever writer's commentary. Woo! (Maybe?) Fair warning: This commentary is kind of like the one on the DVD for 'Say Anything' in that it kind of goes on for a bit before the commentary on the actual story kicks in. I wanted to say a bit about why I'm writing the commentary (apologies in advance for what's sure to be a lot of twaddle), as well as something about how the fic came to be written and why it happened the way it did.
About the commentary: I'm writing this because Aubreyli recently posted on Tumblr that she wished all great fic came with commentary, and when I responded by saying that I've been tempted (though I don't think I qualify as great - there are very few I'd say that about, and I think the best I can say of my own is pretty darn good or kind of nifty - what can I say? I'm a hard critic) she responded in turn by saying she'd love it if I did do one, and when I asked for her suggestion, this was her pick. On reflection, I shouldn't be surprised. She's always told me it's her favorite of anything I've written, and it was her rec of it that really seemed to get it an audience while it was still being posted anonymously on the kink meme. (Yes, she knew it was me when she rec'd it.)
I really have been tempted to do something like this for a while. Don't be surprised if you see one for 'The Things That Cost You Too Much' when it comes time for posting, because I have a lot of feelings about that damn story, and I think I might give in to the steady urge to punch myself in the face if I don't get at least some of them off my chest. (Even if the commentary is never posted, I'll probably write it as a form of self-therapy.) If I'm honest, I have to admit that I pretty much live inside my own head, and I think about things entirely too much. I feel like such a goober for saying this, but a lot of stuff that's really super minor is the result of a ridiculous amount of thinking. Some of it was planned from the start, some just happened as I was writing, and some didn't even become obvious until after the fact.
About the fic itself: This story never would have happened if not for 'Made To Be Broken.' I'd given up on any kind of creative writing years before I began writing fic in November of 2010, and I'd written a decent amount of Klaine by the time I posted my first CrissColfer in December. I'd gotten some very nice responses, but I still felt pretty comfortably unknown until 'MTBB' caught on. I honestly never expected the kind of response it got, and to be honest, it kind of freaked me out. I was thrilled that people enjoyed it, but I was also kind of scared that I'd managed to write one good story and would only go downhill from there. All the anxiety that had led me to quit the first time crept back in, and I didn't really know how to fight it.
Knowing people were actually paying attention made it even worse, and I just kind of…stalled. I'd started another multi-part story almost immediately after, but something inside just kind of froze. I wrote a handful of one-offs and 'To Know Your Sin' as a thank-you when I reached a hundred and fifty followers on Tumblr. I'd never really expected to be followed by anyone but a few friends, so hitting triple digits caught me completely off-guard. I had fun with all of them, but nothing really seemed to stick. Worst of all, I found my neuroses (already numerous and rampant) going into overdrive with the worry that though I was still getting favorable responses to my stuff, it was being read more because people saw my name and expected more of whatever it was they'd liked in 'MTBB' and less because the story itself was something that caught their notice. I know, I know, my neuroses have neuroses and I've never shied from admitting it. :P
I felt stuck. I wanted to write, but I didn't feel things working. I liked the feedback I was getting, but it also left me conflicted. I wanted to write something that would excite me as much as 'MTBB' did, but I also wanted to know that whatever response it got was from its own merit, without piggybacking on the reputation of its predecessor. (Have you caught on that I'm really not kidding when I say I live entirely too much inside my own head? I do. I really, really do.)
Thus, the decision to fill anonymously. I spent a few days going through the kink meme and bookmarking ideas that looked interesting. A lot of them involved Chris asking someone to rid him of his virginity. I thought about maybe a half-dozen (and I've sadly deleted the bookmarks, so I can't even point to the what-if prompts), but I kept coming back to this one. (I think I know what it was that kept bringing me back, and I'll get to that when the story reaches that point.)
Anyway…I began this to work through my issues, and I think it did a good job of it. I forced myself not to write in first-person in case anyone got suspicious, and I tried to tweak a few other things, as well. How effective it was is anyone's guess, but it did seem to break me of my first-person habit. Woo? Maybe?
Anyway (again) - here we go.
---
It begins in March.
It gets heated in April.
It’s over in May.
(And as for June and July…)
(I have always been a movie geek, and even more than trailers, I love teasers. Those short little clips that get you on the hook without really saying anything. This was my first attempt at starting with one, and I'd like to think it works. At least, I hope it does.
I always wonder if people pick up on how attached I am to time in my stories. 'Adverbs' was the first time I think it really crept in, but it's pretty explicit in 'Timestamps.' I'm kind of obsessed with time in my real life, so I guess it makes sense that I tend to be a bit picky with it when I write.)
---
It’s March sixteenth when Chris is handed a script.
(One of the first things I did when I started writing this was download a picture of a 2012 calendar and paste it into my workfile. It really helped me keep things more or less on track to always have it right below what I was writing instead of having to keep looking dates up for reference. I keep a lot of things at the bottom of my workfiles. You don't even want to know how much crap is sitting at the bottom of 'Porcelain & Velvet' at the moment. :P)
He doesn’t think much of it, at first. They always get new scripts on Fridays, so this week shouldn’t be any different. A year ago, he would have flipped it open right away and agonized over what Kurt was in for. This year, however, Kurt’s been given a far less heavy load. He still has the odd moment of drama here and there, but he’s only cried three times this season, and Chris has been nothing short of grateful for the change of pace. (To anyone who's teased me about clairvoyance for some of the things that come later - I said Kurt was going to have a happy and fun year. I clearly know nothing.)
So he tosses it into his messenger bag and forgets about it until the next night. He’s at a party with the rest of the cast, and he barely has time to make it clear that he’s not drinking anything that’s been tinted green (no matter what day it is) when Ashley slings an arm around his shoulders and begins to speak rapidly in the same tone she only uses when there’s dish to dirt. "Mister Colfer, would you care to share your thoughts on the upcoming cherry-pop of one Mister Kurt Hummel? Inquiring minds are dying to get your take on this."
(I've written three CrissColfer stories that include Chris having a best friend in the cast, though the other two aren't nearly as explicitly stated or obvious as this one is. In 'Adverbs,' it's Amber. In 'The Things That Cost You Too Much,' it's supposed to be Lea, but most of their friendship got left on the cutting room floor. Oops.
I love Ashley from what I've seen in interviews. She's bright and articulate and really, really funny. I love the back and forth she and Chris seem to have, and I was really excited to play around with her. That said, I have to hang my head in shame a bit and admit that a lot of her in this fic is kind of based on how I am with certain friends. She's the closest I've ever come to self-insertion, and as a sidenote, Spence [from 'To Know Your Sin'] is probably the second closest.)
"What are you talking about?" he asks, taking another sip of tequila. Ashley has a bad tendency to not make sense when she’s been drinking, but it’s early enough in the night that she should be at least relatively sober.
"Don’t tell me you haven’t got an opinion about the big prom episode. America’s favorite gay teen’s about to lose the V card. Pretty sure even monks with oaths of silence are gonna have opinions about it." She’s just standing there. Staring at him and drinking her beer through a straw. A straw. (I now feel compelled to state that I do not and never have attempted to drink beer through a straw. Shots of schnapps, however…) That’s what seals it for him. That this isn’t just drunk!Ashley babbling nonsense. Ashley only drinks with a straw until she crosses the line into tipsy. After that, she practically funnels it in. "Practice your O-face enough, and you might just get another statue or two for that mantle of yours."
"I’m sure that won’t be necessary," Chris says. (I cringe every time I read this line. It just feels so wrong for how he speaks. Erk.) "This is network TV we’re talking about. At worst, they’ll show Blaine produce a key card while he and Kurt are dancing, then avoid showing them until they stumble back into the prom looking exactly the same as they did when they left." Of this, Chris is sure. Kurt and Blaine have been together for over a year, and they’ve kissed on screen a whopping four times. Having a young gay couple may be good for ratings, but only so long as they never do anything to indicate - god forbid - that they actually do anything physical. (Well what do you know? I predicted something!)
Ashley’s jaw drops open. "Boo, you really need to look at that script. It’s not exactly Skinnemax, but it really doesn’t leave much to the imagination." She takes his drink and sets it on a table along with hers before placing her hands on his shoulders. "I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but there’s going to be some skin. There will also be sounds, if you know what I mean. The way it’s described, it’s either gonna’ be real classy, or it’s gonna’ be even campier than RuPaul reenacting Brokeback Mountain in the middle of a forest with a dozen drag queens dressed like tents. One or the other."
Chris lets this sink in for a minute. Kurt is losing his virginity. Kurt Hummel, fictional gay teen in small-town Ohio, is going to lose his virginity before the twenty-one year old man who plays him. It’s not enough he was kissed first. Got a boyfriend first. Now, he’s got to lose his virginity first. Chris picks up his drink and chugs the rest down, ignoring Ashley as she winces at the thought of that much tequila, that fast. Screw "luck of the Irish" - Kurt Hummel is getting laid, and that means Chris Colfer’s kind of fucked. (I wasn't consciously thinking about the fact that Darren is part-Irish when I included that line, but I really wish I had. It's one of those really small details that I love, and I wish it had been intentional.)
Only, he hasn’t been - and that’s exactly his problem.
---
Chris spends the rest of his weekend reading the script and having mild panic attacks over what it says. It turns out all of the glee members are getting hotel rooms after the big dance, but there’s special attention paid to Rachel, Blaine, and Kurt. Not all together, of course. (What a fic that would make.) Rachel is with Finn, and Kurt is with Blaine. The same as they’ve been all season. They’re the last three virgins of the graduating class, though, so they’ve made a vow that prom night will be the night. There’s a "Like A Virgin" -esque montage featuring a mash-up of "Tonight’s The Night" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" and it’s easy to see why Ashley described it the way she did. If handled properly, it could be very tasteful. If not, it could easily cross the line into ridiculous.
(The song choice was one of the first things I set about when I began to plot this out. I knew I wanted to have whatever they sang during that moment - and I figured a song had to be named - had to be something that would seem like an obvious choice for the moment, but would also have enough ambiguity to also fit with everything that followed. Like I said in the pre-commentary - it was the aftermath of the event that really grabbed me, and I wanted ambiguity and uncertainty to kind of come from all angles, even if I didn't think people would pick up on it. As long as I knew it was there, that was what really mattered. That's kind of how I look at a lot of things I do. I kind of consider them my own personal Easter Eggs.
'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?' was the first song I felt really drawn to, but when I brought it up in my library and began listening, I saw 'Tonight's The Night' and gave it a twirl. Before the song was even half-over, I knew I'd found the one I wanted to use. It had exactly the feel I was going for, and listening to the beginning was like hearing the story in my head set to music. Problem was, I wasn't sure if it would be familiar enough to most readers. I'm pretty out of touch when it comes to that sort of thing, but I figured 'WYSLMT?' was iconic enough that people should know it. Thus, the mash-up was born. I can totally hear it in my head, but I am terribad at all things musically inclined, so alas - it lives only in my head.
Also? Totally called Finchel and Klaine doing it in both the same episode and scene.)
(This is Glee, so Chris is pretty sure it’ll end up being the latter.)
(I love parentheticals, and I am always forcing myself to leave them out. I couldn't bring myself to let this one go. I sometimes think I could write an entire story that was half-parenthetical, if allowed. I know it might not seem like it all the time, but I really do reign myself in a lot.)
Ashley wasn’t kidding when she said it didn’t leave much to the imagination. Among other things, the script describes Kurt and Blaine removing each others’ shirts, fumbling for the buttons of their pants, rolling around the bed, and (Chris really hopes they change their mind about this) Kurt throwing his head back as "the sound of climax escapes his throat." (I honestly never expected the show to go there, but I loved the idea of Chris being utterly mortified at the thought of his parents watching something like that.) For the first time, Chris finds himself trying to think of ways to keep his family from watching an episode. There are certain things he’d rather his parents never know, and this script includes at least three. (I think fic!Chris had a better vision of how it would really go down than I did. I mean, shirt removal is pretty racy stuff. Don't get me started on the things that TV shies away from vs. the things they celebrate.)
The whole time he’s reading, there’s another thing tugging at him. He knows it shouldn’t bother him this much, but he still can’t get over the fact that Kurt’s going to lose his virginity first. Thursday seems the most likely date for filming, but the episode isn’t slated to air until April seventeenth. Technically, that gives him about a month to do the deed.
Whom to do it with, of course, is the big question. The ideal solution would be to meet an amazing guy and fall blissfully in love. Unfortunately, Chris’s schedule is pretty far from ideal. Most weeks, he’s lucky if he manages to squeeze in a dinner out with Ashley. His family only lives a few hours’ drive away, but he only manages to make the drive every two or three months. He almost never has enough free time to stay the night. If he can’t make time for his best friend or his family, how will he make the time to fall in love?
He considers a few alternatives. He could try a dating service, or answer an ad on Craigslist, or (let’s be honest) pick up some stranger in a dark club. They’d all be almost guaranteed to yield results, but he’s not really sure they’re the kind of results he’s after. There are reasons he’s still a virgin. To borrow a phrase from Burt Hummel, Chris knows he matters. He knows that he doesn’t have to drop his pants for just anyone, and he secretly loves that he can actually afford to be picky.
His success has done a lot to mend the wounds of his high school years, but nothing will ever completely erase them.
(Another line that makes me cringe. I still like the idea behind it, but I read it now and shudder at how overly morose and dramatic it sounds.)
---
It’s three days later when he and Ashley meet for sushi. He barely has time to sit down when she starts in on him.
(I just realized that sushi comes up kind of a lot in my CC. Of the four long-form things I've done involving them - 'Adverbs,' 'Made To Be Broken,' this, and 'The Things That Cost You Too Much,' 'MTBB' is the only one that doesn't have a sushi scene, as far as I can recall. This amuses me more than it should. Probably because I don’t care for seafood and resisted all attempts anyone made to get me to give it a try until this December when niniblack / fashionhasnogender finally got me to try it. Weird.
Hey - I warned for the twaddle.)
"So, Chris, find your cherry-popping daddy yet?"
"Do you have to talk about it like that?" he asks, flipping through the menu to try and deflect further questions.
"No," she says after taking a sip of her plum wine. (Damnit, now I want plum wine. Mmmm…plum wine. :d) "I could ask if you found someone worthy of invalidating your unicorn-hunting license. (Aside from the cherry-popping daddy line, this is the only one of the euphemisms I was familiar with before I began writing this. I know of others, but I didn't think they were funny/mortifying enough. The things I google when I write…) If you found someone you were willing to let enter Heaven’s Gate. If you found someone to take the VIP tour of your Neverland. If you had any luck learning to open child-proof containers. (I think this one may be my favorite of the ones I found.) If you were any closer to taking Fornication for a thousand, Alex. If you-"
Chris frowns. "Alex? I don’t know anyone named Alex." (I've always wondered if anyone made the call-back to this later in the story when Chris goes on his blind date. It's one of those stupidly minor things I like to do.)
She stares at him and shakes her head. "Alex Trebek? As in host of Jeopardy? (Another thing I often regret deleting: a line along the lines of "One of Canada's greatest exports?" What can I say? It's always been my favorite game show.) Good lord, Chris, you really do need to get laid. I think your sexual frustration is starting to make you stupid."
"I’m working on it," he says, pulling the paper wrapper from a straw and dropping it into the Diet Coke Ashley ordered for him before he arrived. "It’s harder than it sounds." He raises an eyebrow, daring her to laugh or make another joke, but all she does is purse her lips and mime locking them and throwing away a key. (I do this. More than I probably should. I'm sure it's kind of annoying.) "I've been trying to find a good solution, but I don’t have the time to go out and meet anyone, and the only guys I know are the ones I work with."
Ashley mimes unlocking her lips. "Is that really such a big deal? I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time anyone’s hooked up."
"True," Chris admits, shifting in his seat a little. He knew the conversation would eventually turn in this direction, but he wasn’t really sure he wanted it to go there just yet. "That was a lot more common during the first season. It kind of tapered off once everyone realized how weird things got."
"Well, yeah, but that was when you guys knew you’d be stuck with each other for a while. You’ve only got three or four episodes left before Kurt graduates. (I just now realized that I said Kurt graduates, and not they graduate. This is getting weird. I use that word a lot. Yeah…) If things got weird, you’d only have to stick it out for a month. That’s not so bad. I had to stick out the weird with my last boyfriend for three months. One is nothing. (MISSING END QUOTE ALERT!)
"Okay," Chris admits. "I may have thought about it. A little."
Ashley smirks and pretends to open up a book. "Hrm, according to my Colfer-to-English dictionary, that translates to ‘I’ve thought of nothing else since we first talked about this, and I’ve made extensive flowcharts to help me make up my mind.’ How close am I?"
"I didn’t make any flowcharts," Chris says, averting his eyes and taking a pull from his drink. When he talks again, it’s an almost unintelligible mumble. "I made a spreadsheet."
(The prompt mentioned flowcharts. I'm not very good with those, but I love me a good spreadsheet, and the idea of including one as a visual was pretty much what cinched that I would write this. I get inspired by the weirdest things.)
"You did what?" Ashley laughs, plum wine dribbling down her chin. "Oh my god, you would. You so would. You are so anal-"
"Can we not use that word, please?" Chris rests his forehead on the table and begins tapping it repeatedly against the polished wood surface.
"Fair enough," Ashley grins. "So tell me. Who’s the lucky bastard who gets the chance to go fifty thousand leagues between your cheeks?" (Okay, I lied. This is my favorite euphemism.)
"ASHLEY!"
"Okay, okay," she says, waving her white napkin in surrender just as the waitress comes by to take their order.
"Have you made your decisions?" the young woman in the neat white uniform asks.
"Yeah," Chris says numbly. "I think I have."
(Spoiler alert - he orders a California roll and tuna sashimi.)
(Part two)
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