Anger, Lust, and Love
Title: Anger, Lust, and Love
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: 3/?
Word Count: 4,355
Pairing: Zac and Taylor Hanson (Zaylor)
POV: Taylor
Summary: Not so sure as of the moment.
Excerpt: I suddenly felt like I’m in cloud nine. I forgot about the pain I just felt a while ago. My heart aches but not of the same reason, it aches to touch the boy staring at me right now and it hurts even more to see him smile like that.
Excess: I am not from an English speaking country so please bear with my writing. I am limited on vocabulary but I hope I was able to write it clear and understandable enough. This is my first fanfic and I’m kind of nervous posting it. But I guess there’s no harm in trying, I hope you enjoy reading it. <3
Chapter 3
Tay
“Wow! That was…!” She was panting and smiling at me. I looked down at her. I smiled and kissed her temple and I rolled over her. She lay her head on my chest and I mindlessly played with her hair. This is what I supposed to do. Make her happy and make sure that my son was well taken cared of. This is how it supposed to be and I should not be complaining about my frustrated feelings for Zac.
I closed my eyes to give my mind a rest. As long as my family is happy and he’s happy and contented, I should be fine.
Morning came and I lazily prepared myself to go to the studio. Coming from a week of rest spoiled me of waking up late so it felt like I’m readjusting myself to wake up this early at mornings. The smell of home cooked breakfast energized me and I went into the shower to quickly freshen up.
After changing to my usual attire, I went downstairs and walked towards the kitchen feeling hungry. Ezra greeted me with a smile and Natalie gave me her usual good morning kiss.
Breakfast went well as me and Natalie chatted about different stuff. Moments like this make me forget of the pain that I’m nourishing for years. My son and wife by my side, in a world that me and Natalie built. I may not love Natalie like I loved Zac, but she’s my comfort zone, this house is where I feel no harm would happen to me and to my heart. At least that’s what I wanted to believe.
“Honey, I think you better go now, it’s almost 8:30,” she said.
“You’re right, I gotta go, see you later.” I stood up, kiss Ezra and Natalie, and walked slowly towards the door. The thought of facing him again today brought back my fear. As well as shame. It’s such a shame that I’m feeling this. We’ve been doing band practices for years. I was not suppose to feel this tingly sensation of excitement and at the same time anxiousness of seeing my brothers. Well, I know you know the reason why.
My foot barely heat the gas, I admit I’m trying to delay my arrival at the studio by driving as slow as possible. I’m always like this, and to be honest I’m getting sick of what’s happening to me. Damn this love for my brother for causing so much trouble inside my head. I was always a mess. It felt like I was going insane again. Just like what I’ve felt the night I confessed everything to Zac. And I didn't know what to do or say whenever he's near me, I was lost. I always went back to the 18 year old Taylor falling deeply in love with him over and over again. His kisses kept getting better, his touch felt so much better, and my love just got stronger as I did things to pleasure him and as he did the same.
I was brought to reality with a buzz on my phone. I quickly looked at it to check whose calling and my heart jumped seeing Zac’s name on the screen. I was sure he’s calling because I’m late, well, I’m nearing the studio so I didn't need to answer that.
And as what I’ve expected, Isaac’s and Zac’s car were already on the driveway and for sure they were already growing impatient waiting for my arrival.
I hurriedly went out from my car and walked to the studio.
“At last you arrived! Zaccy here told me that you had dinner last night? So how’s your celebration? I’m sorry, I forgot the date.” Ike teasingly asked. While Zac frowned hearing the nickname Ike used referring to him. I laughed at the thought.
“Well, we really had a good time last night. The food was great and we had some quality time too.” I smirked`. I knew Ike would be teasing me about this once he knew it so I better show him that I’m cool talking about it.
“Oh wow! Looks like I was the only one who did not get lucky last night, huh?”
He looked at Zac who suddenly stood up and walked to the corridor to go to the studio. A smug look written all over his face. “Whatever, Ike.”
A familiar pain stabbed in my chest. I sat on the top of my table for support because I suddenly felt weak and my legs seemed to give me away. “Uhm, so Zac had a date again last night?” I asked nervously, I hoped Ike’s not noticing my sudden change of mood.
“Yeah, he met this chick at Wade’s and she called him yesterday for a date. And well, you know what happens after the date, yeah?”
“Uhm, yeah?” He stood up, “Zac, is one lucky boy. Always getting laid huh.”
I just nodded, because I got nothing to say. Then he left me sitting on the top of my table mouth wide opened. I put my right hand on my temple to give it a light massage as I walked weakly to go to the studio.
Our morning practice went like a blur to me. I was not feeling well. I should get used to it, but somehow this freakin’ jealousy I felt never ceased to intensify every day. I put all my weight on the couch as Ike and Zac did the same. I couldn't remember much of the songs that we practiced. I felt so exhausted. I sat silently, as I tried to relax my mind. I needed to get a hold of myself. I kept on massaging my temple because it kept me from doing something. I tought I’d go insane if I would stay still and wouldn’t move. I silently scolded myself for not getting used to Zac having dates and this girl should not threaten the hell out of me.
“I’ll be having lunch with Melissa, but I’ll be back at 1 or 1:30. Is it ok?” Ike asked looking at the screen of his phone then to me and to Zac. Melissa was his long time girlfriend and since we just arrived in Tulsa more than a week ago, he might be trying to spend all the time that he could to be with her. I couldn't blame him though. Ike and Melissa really looked good together and I would be very disappointed if she would not be the one he marries. She’s a nice girl and I know she takes care of Ike really well.
“You guys cool with it, right?” He looked at me and then to Zac. I guess we both nodded because before I knew it, Ike already went his way out of the studio.
I suddenly got conscious and realized that neither of us said any single word since our morning practice ended. And during the band practice, he was also seemingly quiet. No wonder Ike decided to go out for lunch with his girlfriend thinking that both of his brothers were boring him.
He was sitting beside me and being very, very quiet. I looked at him trying so hard to be not so obvious. He was staring into space. He was in deep thoughts I guess. Maybe he's day dreaming about her. But why was he frowning?
“So, you hungry? Wanna go and take out some food or eat outside?” I asked, trying to act feeling not awkward.
He moved his head to the side so that he’s facing me. His expression was blank and I wished I know what’s in his mind. “Tay, do you mind taking out food for me, I just want to lie down for a while.” He was looking straight to my eyes and his expression showed me that he’s kind of really tired.
“Uhm, ok. So, what do you want?”
“Fried chicken and soda will do, Tay, thanks.” Then he closed his eyes.
The sound of my name from his lips felt so wonderful to my ears. I felt like I’m in cloud nine to see him close his eyes as he tried to rest his head at the back of the couch. I swallowed the saliva that quickly filled my mouth and then I stood up carefully.
“Lie down here at the couch Zac, as I buy our food. I’ll be back in a sec.”
He opened his eyes and rested his head on the arm of the couch and pulled his legs so that his whole body was lying on the couch. He looked back to me, “Ok Tay,” then he closed his eyes again.
I looked down on him as he lay there peacefully. I knew I should get moving but my feet seemed to have a mind of their own. My eyes couldn't stop staring at his perfect body from his feet covered with his shoes to the top of his head, and then my eyes went downward again to stare at his nose, then to his red full lips which were a bit parted. Then my eyes looked downward again to stare at his chin, oh how I love to kiss that part and then to his neck where I used to nuzzle, kiss, and smell him. Then to his broad chest, then…..
“Aren’t you going yet?” Blood rushed to my face and I knew my cheeks were turning into a dark shade of red. “Ah yes, Ok, I’ll go. Now.”
And I immediately went to the door almost stumbling down because I hurried too much and I did not notice a cable wire on my way. Good thing I was able to get my balance. I did not look around to know if he saw my stupidity. I didn't want to know that anyway. So with shaking fingers I put my car keys on the ignition and started my engine as I repeatedly cursed to myself.
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I went back to the studio with two bags of foods. I bought him fried chicken and soda as per his request and as well I bought him French fries and a hot chocolate. I bought the same foods for me and coffee.
I silently opened the door of the studio knowing that he may be taking a nap, and got a bit surprised to see him sitting up and talking to someone on his phone. He watched me as I entered the room, his face seemed happy as he talked with the other person on the phone. I got curious who he’s talking to so I listened to the one sided conversation but at the same time trying so hard not to be obvious. I put the foods I bought out of the plastic and put them on the table one by one and slowly so that it wouldn’t look like I was trying so hard to listen.
I sat down beside him, not too near and not too far because, you see I was placing our food on the little table at the front of the couch. Perfect excuse, right?
“Hhmmmm, yeah I know.” Paused. “I know, I know, that’s why I’m asking you, if that’s ok.” Paused.
“Of course I do, I wouldn’t ask you if I don’t” he chuckled. Pause. “Yeah”
“I did, I am thinking about it right now actually” I could only imagine his face as he said that. My stomach churned. I suddenly lost my appetite and it seemed that I would not be able to swallow any of the food in front of me. Even my favorite coffee seemed to be not interesting anymore.
“Oh, really? So, we’re ok? I mean, you know what I mean” Pause.
“Ok, I like that” Pause. “Hey, I’m serious.” Pause. “I am, promise.” Pause
I absentmindedly put a handful of French fries in my mouth, and then I gulped a large amount of my soda. I already lost my appetite, but I needed to do something and this was the only thing I could do as of the moment. The sound of his voice seemed to drown me, and I felt my eyes got hot with tears. God, I should not be feeling this way. Fuck! I'm so stupid.
“Alright then, so can I see you again? Maybe later tonight?” Pause.
Please, please, god please…. I didn't want to hear any of this anymore. If only it wouldn't be obvious I would have put both of my hands to my ears to cover them. But that was definitely obvious.
“Uh huh, so tonight?” I could sense that he was smiling as he spoke. “Ok, hhhmm, that sounds great to me.” Pause.
He laughed. “You’ll see later, I’m thinking of a place, you’ll like it there for sure.” Pause.
I am not liking every single word he said. I hate this freaking thing in my head. I put some more French fries in my mouth. I grabbed the fried chicken and bit it with angry passion. Thinking that it’s the girl on the other line I’m biting. How I wish I could do that so that she would disappear forever once I released her to the world from my asshole and flush her to the toilet. I’m horrible, I know.
“Ok, ok I’ll see you. I’ll call you when we’re done here. I’ll just probably go and take a shower then I’ll pick you up.” Pause.
“I think,,,, I miss you too”
That’s it, I’m freaking out. I stood up and went to the door of the studio to get out. I felt his stare as I walked, and I knew I was not acting normal and I was giving away my true feelings as of the moment, but I didn't care. I just couldn’t even… fuck this whole thing!
I sat down on the bench in front of the studio and lit a cigarette. What the hell was happening to me?! How was I suppose to go and live the rest of my life with this feeling I have for my brother? Hearing him talk to this girl I didn't even know yet with sweet nothings got to me and hitting me like no other on the chest. Fucking Christ. What now Taylor!? You’re fucked up! And god, I’m fucking pathetic.
I was in deep thoughts, and I intended to do that some more if I did not feel someone sat by my side. And who else would it be?
“Why’d you left your food?” He looked at me as if he was trying to read me, hell, he won’t see anything, he won’t see through me coz I won’t let him.
I inhaled and exhaled before I answered to relax my nerves a bit. “I’m just not that hungry. And I want to smoke” I didn’t know the sound of my voice at that moment. I didn’t know if I sounded hurt or angry, I really didn’t know. I was busy restraining myself to shout, cry, and shiver and I didn’t have time to fucking analyze that. All I wanted was for him to not notice how I felt, and I could just hope my voice did not give me away.
He scooted closer, and nudged the side of my stomach with his left elbow, “come on Tay, I don’t want to eat alone. Your coffee will get cold.” He said softly. I looked at him surprised by the tone he used. His eyes locked with mine, he licked his lips and smiled.
Again, I suddenly felt like I’m in cloud nine. I forgot about the pain I just felt a while ago. My heart ached but not of the same reason, it ached to touch the boy staring at me right now and it hurt even more to see him smile like that. I looked down and saw his two strong hands clasped together. If people would see us, normally they would think that we were just talking, but the way I felt was definitely not normal. All I could see was his face and how beautiful he was to me. I threw my cigarette and stepped on it and smiled shyly. He smiled back, and stood up, “so, let’s go inside? I’m starving.” I stood up and motioned my hand for him to go ahead, “Ok”. Then he walked back inside with me watching his broad back with a broad smile.
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We sat silently at the couch as we ate. I was thinking of something to say, when he spoke.
“Why are you so uptight, Tay?”
I looked at his food and they’re obviously gone, I looked back to his face and I didn't know what to say coz I didn't know what he meant. It must be written all over my face because he spoke again.
“You know what I mean, Tay. We both feel it. Don’t you dare deny it.”
He said that matter of factly as he wiped the remnants of juices of the fried chicken on the side of his lips.
My eyes grew wide realizing what he might meant.
He smiled. “Loosen up, it will make you happy”. Then he stood up and walked to the door and then turned around again to face me, “do you mind to accompany me somewhere? It’ll be very quick I promise.” He watched me with amusement in his eyes and I was feeling confused to be honest.
“Where are we going?” I asked, still sitting up and drinking my coffee up to the last drop.
“You’ll see, Tay. Let’s just use my car”. Then he walked out.
Where is he going? I mean where are we going? Well, there’s only one way to find out. So I hesitantly stood up to go outside.
Silence filled the car as he drove. I didn't mind turning on the car stereo and he didn't seem to mind too. I tried to calm myself and looked out of the window trying to recognize the path he was driving to.
I realized that we were nearing my house and I looked at him. He sensed it and looked back at me and grinned. “I’m not taking you home, Tay, just wait and see”. He drove past my house and after a few more blocks away, he stopped his engine in front of a two-storey house and went out of the car.
I followed still wondering what was going on. I stood beside him as he eyed the house with a large front yard. I looked at him with a what-now look.
He smiled looking to the house in front of us. “What do you think? It’s not much but I liked it at first sight.”
My eyes narrowed coz I still didn't get it.
“I bought it Tay. This is my new house.” He said to me proudly, with a wide grin on his face. He was so cute looking like a kid seeing his new toy. I felt so warm in the chest and my heart pounded incredibly. Then what he said fully registered and my eyes grew wide. I also gave him the grin and proudly looked back at the house. “Wow, Zac. You are,,, wow!” I practically didn't know what to say.
“Let’s go inside.” He walked past me heading to the front door. I walked slowly behind him in disbelief. My little brother just bought this house. My little brother Zac. My grin just grew wider at the thought. I felt proud to be honest. Genuinely proud.
He put out a bundle of keys and opened the door. I entered silently, my eyes immediately roamed around the house. There were few furniture inside maybe the owner left them for Zac. The living room was big enough. Nodding my head, I walked in the adjacent room which is the kitchen, and I immediately admired the color combination of it. The arrangement was comfy to cook, the wooden table at the middle of the kitchen was an old fashion narra table with carvings on the sides. It’s cool and cozy.
“What do you think?” His smile was infectious and I loved to see him smile like that and I couldn't stop myself to smile back at him with my widest smile. “Wow Zac, I can’t believe my little brother owns this place!” I exclaimed.
“So, did you tell mom and dad about it?”
“Yeah, but they haven’t seen it though. You’re the first person I invited here, actually.” He bit the insides of his lips and looked down.
“Really?” I was flattered. Yes, I was very much flattered. But so what? Zac showed this to me first, as in nobody had seen this new house of his, just me. And so?
“Well, I’m actually planning to move in here this weekend. So will you help me pack and stuff? I mean you and Ike?”
I raised my eyebrow. “Of course I will. For sure mom and dad will also help. They will be very excited to see you going more independent now.” I tried my best to keep myself from looking disappointed and shit. Because I shouldn’t be. It’s not like he bought this house for us or something. It’s not like he showed this first to me because I was that important. I walked past him which was a big mistake for since he was standing in a narrow passage going to the living room. I accidentally brushed my hips to his hips and damn, thousands of electricity tickled me. Wanting so bad to walk away from him, I climbed up the stairs and roamed around. This was very much Zac. This house really looked like the taste of Zac and I was pathetically admiring it. I entered the third bedroom which seemed to be the biggest among the three rooms on the second floor.
“This is my room and it’s blue. Just right for me huh.” I just stared at the bed in the middle of the room. He came in here, he followed me in here, so wut?
“Yeah, this house is really just right for you." I walked to the bed admiring the carvings on its wooden material, it doesn’t have foam yet and I could imagine him lying on it contently. I sighed. This would be his bed and this is where he would have his girls. I snapped my head to his direction with a sudden thought that came into my mind.
“So, you bought this because you’re planning to settle down or something?” I didn't want to sound accusing but I’m not sure of how I said it.
“Oh, well, no. Not yet, Tay.” He moved closer and his eyes locked with mine. “I am waiting for someone, though,” he paused. He was about to continue when we both jumped at the sound of my phone ringing. I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw Ike’s name on the screen. I answered it trying to stop myself from shaking, “hey man.”
“Where are you guys?” Ike asked impatiently.
“Zac just showed me something. We’ll be there in a few, give us few minutes.” Ike signed on the other end and mumbled ok. I turned to Zac, he shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room and I followed him.
We walked silently towards his car. The drive back to the studio seemed to take so much time for me and I was growing impatient coz I was not comfortable sitting by his side. He never seemed to mind our silence though. He seemed relaxed. I envy this boy so much for being comfortable at the moment.
“So you like it?” He asked again.
“Well, it’s really nice. But whether I like it or not, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s nice for you.” I said while looking out at the window.
“Come on Tay, I don’t want to hear that. I want your honest opinion.”
I raised my eyebrows and faced him. “I find it really nice, Zac. I just wonder, how many parties you will host with that big front yard. And how many girls will be your companion in that house when you get bored. And I think it’s perfect for you to finally have the privacy. Satisfied?” Yes, I’m proud of him for having that new house but I couldn't help to think of those things, too. And I felt stupid for saying that! Did I just say that!?
He smirked again, keeping an eye to the road. “You know, you can always come to my party and have fun with my girls.”
“Fuck you, Zac.” I was not like him, and I’d never be. Good thing he did not take note of what I just said. Because what I said was purely because of the jealous state of my mind and the last thing I wanted was for him to notice that. Good thing Zac was always oblivious.
He looked at me with more amusement in his eyes then returned his attention to the road. “Rough and hard will be good.” His tongue slipped out of his mouth to lick his lips.
My eyes grew wide. Does he? My face turned red and I thought it would never go back to its normal color. My mind was immediately blocked by the thought of those words. Rough and hard. Rough and hard. Rough.And.Hard.
We remained silent after that. I was not in the mood to talk and pretend to be fine. And if there's no talking, I wouldn’t need to pretend. I would just think and think and think. Coz really, Zac was confusing me. What did he mean when he said that I have to loosen up?? Why did he say I’m uptight? I mean uptight to what? I wanted to ask him, but at the same time, I’m kinda scared of what he would answer. Should I just keep silent about it? And pretend he did not say that to me? And what about what he just said earlier? Was he flirting with me? Or was he messing up with my head? It’s sad to say but he’s doing it successfully and with no difficulty. My head hurt again and I massaged my temple until we reached the studio.