one hundred sleepless nights
Title: one hundred sleepless nights
Pairing(s): akame
Rating: R?
Genre: angst angst angst
Disclaimer: I own only plot.
Summary: "you're leaving me just when I thought you were mine."[(click to open)]
A/N: I had this idea since I first heard Pierce the Veil- one hundred sleepless nights. One amazing song with perfect lyrics which created in me..well this :D I really love the plot but well..I think someone could write it better, but well..here it is..
and the sentences in italic are actuall lyrics from the song.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did I hear right?
,,I love you..I..really do. It’s driving me insane and I can’t stop thinking about you..no matter what. I’ve always loved you Kazuya.”
You, Jin, were in front of me. Those words going out of your mouth and I was just staring. I couldn’t believe it. I thought you hated me. That’s why all that separation, that’s why you put all that distance between us..because you simply started to hate me. I wouldn’t be surprised, sometimes I even hate myself, but..it was exact opposite. You loved me. And you still do.
,,Please say something.” You whispered apparently afraid of what my silence means.
In one crazy second the thought of hitting you crossed my mind. Just, because you are so stupid sometimes. But I’m too. And I love you too.
,,Idiot.” I just sighed and circled my hands around your neck. Oh, you smelled so good. And your expression was priceless. Big eyes, open mouth and I swear I could hear you panicking inside your head. You baka had to think I’m playing with you or just teasing. Or whatever. Sometimes is hard to tell.
So my next step was to place my lips upon yours in gentle kiss. Upon your lower lip to be exact. You gasped, all surprised, but maybe something clicked in your head and you placed your arms around my body to drew me even closer. Now it was my time to gasp. It was more like a moan when you started kissing me back with that plump lips of yours, tounge in my mouth and all. It was overwhelming, being so close to you. Maybe I would even crash down if it wasn’t for your arms holding me.
,,I can’t believe it.” You said without breath when we parted.
,,Me neither.”
,,So all that pretending, all that fucking staying away from you even running away from you were for nothing? All that fucking around, drinking, partying, forgetting....You loved me all the time?” you asked now all aware of how horrible mistakes we commited to each other.
,,Well...yes.” I admitted with sad eyes. Really it was sad. Finding out just now. I can’t even blame you, because I could also gather my courage and tell you what I feel.
Wait a second, no, I can blame you. How the hell could I tell you my feelings, when my only thought of your answer was you stabbing me with your kitchen knife?
,,I’m...I’m so sorry Kazuya.” And now you looked like kicked puppy and all my inner anger was gone.
,,Doesn’t matter now, does it?” I smiled after while of thinking. We had better things ahead of us like pondering about the past ones.
,,No..not anymore. Let’s forget everything..and..just start all over.” You ended up whispering, again dragging me closer.
It was magical that night. Your lips caressing my skin, my nipples which made me moan aloud, your hands everywhere, it was all I always wanted. Your gorgeous body moving on top of me, the sound you were making, the way you was making me feel when you pressed deeper and found that spot which made me cried aloud your name, I couldn’t wish for more that night.
I was thankful that you showed up at my door that day all sudden, after we in KAT-TUN found out you were leaving. I was angry, but I didn’t show it. I didn’t want to show you I still cared. It would hurt my pride, really.
So I was silently listening your explanations how you always wanted it, to make your own songs, to go to America and that KAT-TUN is not what you want right now so you are just slowing us, because you can’t make yourself to give it your all. I felt like you were telling me, you don’t want me. Boy was I wrong.
Now I even don’t mind that we are five in band. You are perfect on your own and it even kind of made us work harder with guys.
And I love you even more after those four months we are together. We are both busy, but we manage. Oh and we fight a lot. That didn’t change. Those small fights over nothing and everything. The difference is that now, we always end up in bed, one way or another. Did I mention I love you? Yes. But I have to say it again. And I have to pack.
Because I can’t wait to see your brilliant face, how you light up the room around the pillowcase. Though I’m kinda confused, because in phone you said:
,,Can you come over to my LA place? I got something to tell you and..it just can’t wait.” But you can be such a drama queen sometimes, so I’m not worried. Probably you just miss me. Like I miss you, so I made my manager to cancel some meetings and appointments so I could fly to LA right away.
But when I showed up you held the door in tears, sat on the couch under the chandeliers. I was really surprised what could’ve happened. At first I thought it was regarded to your carrier, that your singels was not selling so good after all or something.
And then you said you’re having a baby.
At first I laughed at you. ,,Jin sweety. I topped you many times, but I honestly don’t think I succeeded in making you pregnant. And I know for sure you didn’t either.”
But you didn’t laugh, not even tiny smile showed on your face. And I froze.
,,I’m serious. I..it was before I confessed. You know I was sleeping around..and..I guess I wasn’t carefull enough.” You were saying while the tears were rolling down your cheeks.
I was speechless. Anger, jealousy it was mixing inside of me and I started to shake. But I had to be the one who is calm. You seemed pretty scared.
,,Do you have to..”
,,It’s Meisa, Kazuya. Kuroki Meisa.” You said before I manage to finish my question, which I bet you knew what was about.
,,Oh..” My eyes widened.
,,She..she’s scared. I don’t want to hurt her. I ..I have to...”
,,No..”
Before I could cry, you’re leaving me just when I thought you were mine.
My head started thinking really hard. And I got one hell of a plan.
,,Then do it. But stay with me. No one will know. We can tell Meisa and I’m sure she will understand.”
,,And I will be living in a lie? With my baby?” you asked making me realize how absurd I had to sound. But I didn’t care in that moment. I might be holding on too tight, but there’s a beast in my heart and he won’t let you leave alive.
,,But..but we could stay together then.” I said with broken voice.
,,Kazuya I..I always wanted a family, a child. You know I love children and I just can’t abandon mine now..”
,,You..I’m not saying you should abandon it! And...damn it what were you thinking all that time when we were together, or when you spent your life oh so loving me?!” I was now shouting. ,,That one of us could eventually get pregnant? Even you can’t be that dense!”
,,I wasn’t thinking about it back then.” Perfect now we were both yelling. ,,But now..I’m going to be father and ..I can’t live in broken family. Meisa love me and I don’t think she would understand that I want to be married with her, but instead live with you. Even I don’t want it like that! I want normal family for my child.”
I couldn’t believe what was coming out of your mouth. It was like your mind was clouded and you suddenly forgot all about us.
,,So what? This is the end? Just like that? You will fall in love with her?” I crossed my arms over my chest like to protect myself from breaking apart. Tears were already strolling down my face, even making my t-shirt wet.
Your eyes softened. ,,I will always love you Kazuya. But ..I just can’t..I will have a baby and..that’s all I can think about right now.”
I was at your door in a second. I couldn’t bare this. The thing that you could leave me just like that. I was so angry and heartbroken that at first I didn’t realize that you were pulling me back from behind on your chest. I started to struggle, but you wouldn’t let me go.
,,Calm down Kazuya.” You tried to talk some sense to me, but I just couldn’t. I kept fighting you, but you were always stronger.
,,Let me go! Let..me..GO!” I was screaming like crazy, crying between. All at once you turned me to face you and pushed me against the nearest wall. In attempt to shut me up you started to kiss me all hungrily and passionate, but I still didn’t stop to push you away.
,,No..no..NO..don’t..stop.” I cried hard, but you didn’t listen to me. If anyone saw us right now they might think you were trying to rape me. But you were just showing how desperate and frustrated you were differently.
Eventually I stopped struggling and we made it to bed. I was still crying though. In my head was nothing just the fact that this is for the last time. Your kisses kind of calmed me down, but that one thing didn’t leave my head.
You were kissing me all over my body like you were trying to remember every inch of it. I was doing the same with my hands, feeling your flawless skin, your butt I loved so much. You didn’t even bother with preparations to much, but I didn’t mind. I wanted to feel you as much as you did. That pain was nothing in comparison to pain I felt in my heart. It was crashed to million pieces and I knew for sure no one will ever be able to glue it back.
Your head was buried in my neck when you slowly moved inside of me, kissing the sensitive skin all lovingly and I realized you were crying, too.
I tried to put all of my feelings in my ministrations I guess to make you realized what you are leaving behind. Like silently persuade you to stay with me. Even though we all know what will happen when you make up your mind.
Since then..I guess it’s been more than one hundred sleepless nights. Nothing but nightmares, so I no longer wait for sleep.
After you surprised half of the world with your sudden marriage and baby, you dissappeared from the spotlight. As well as from my life.
That night is still vivid in my memories. It was me, who left early in the morning. I knew you wouldn’t change your mind and also that I couldn’t look at you and not to start crying all over again. But I don’t see your face. And I’m still crying.
Sure I’m perfect at pretending nothing is wrong. Maybe guys know something, but they don’t ask. They knew I wouldn’t answer.
I try not to think about you anymore, but let’s be honest with this. How could I? How could I ever stop loving you..
And you Jin? Do you still love me? I’m dying to know. Or did you forget what we shared?
You said you will always love me. Do you manage to live with that? Or you regret your decision already? If yes...this is the price you’ll pay, thoughts in your head that will never die. I’m already paying for loving you. I guess I was right when I was telling myself back then, before your confession that my love for you is a big no no. Though you were always good in changing my mind. Since we were young. You always managed to persuade me even when I was stubborn as hell.
But when I’m feeling good and yeah it happens sometimes, I hope you are happy with your life right now. And I think I can be sure you are.
But I’m still hurt. My heart is still not fixed.
Because
It’s like I was never even there...