blahsters

[iwishedonastar]

fuck me over and over again. i feel lost and confused. blackouts when did they start happeneing, i mean i never even thought i had a problem and now i am blacking out, fainting, when did eating become a probelm? i am so happy right now i feel like life is comign together and i dont know i finally started going out having fun really enjoying myself and yet i mean look at me i am falling apart. the black outs scare the fuck out of me, they coem when i least expect it i will feel fine, nothign will be wrong just standing talking to a few people and boom it hits me a cold sweat then i get dizzy and then i am gone. i eat i swear i eat.....i just never thought it woudl ever come to this it scares the shit out of me, i dont want to end up in the hospital i dont want to go to rehab i eat i eat i know i eat and god i hate this. No matter how happy i am i still feel lonley i do still want jake, i mean i try and try to you know move on i mean i am not looking for someone but i am open to moving on since it has been over a month,and it sucks beign alone it sucks so fucking much, but then i mean i look around and there isnt anyone that could take his place, there isnt anyone that i woudl want to be with more, i will always want jake, i will always love jake....more than anyone, i still feel that he kind of wants me too i mean he is just goign thrugh a phase of not wanting to be tied down, but really when did i ever tie him down? he got to go out every weekend without me and he even cheated on me someone that is tied down usually spends every wekend or at least some weekends with their girlfriend and usually doenst cheat on them. oh the fuck well.
Other than all of that the break has been okay Dave, Cole, Cathy, my favorite Ashley, Meredith, and friends oh nd lil Josh i am so glad that we met him and ugh huim and ashley how aweosme! have all made it wonderful nonstop fun you know? WOW tomorrow i leave for sarasota i am goign to ashleys dads house, i need to get away from here and my paretns well really my parents want me away...it sucks not beign wanted around lol. anywho i am off to go drive around and think about a few things its 3 already and i kind of just want to waste my night away thinking things over.....maybe go to homedepot and wal-mart lol without ashley tho that sucks