"...I'm not here, this isn't happening..."
I've had a shit couple of days.
Rent auditions are next week. I'm nervous, but I'm going to go for it. I know that I can sing, but I can't do it in front of people. I can't really do anything in front of people. Like talk or breathe. Or stand still. Or think.
Still though. Rent. I'm hopingwishingdreaming for a lead, we'll see how that goes. I'm expecting ensemble if anything, that should be fun. There will be a lot of drama in the show but I still want to be a part of it. Having a lead in the musical that is the last show of my senior year would of course be ideal, but I am not picky and will take anything.
Radiohead is therapeutic. I don't care what anyone says, they are an amazing band. So is The Fall of Troy. So is Circa Survive.
If nothing else, I have awesome music to fall back on :]
I'm glad that our friendship seems to be intact, but I am so embarassed. I just can't even look at [redacted] without wanting to crawl into a hole. I hope he'll totally and completely forget about it and just be friends with me. I will be destroyed if that can't happen. I just...don't even want to think about it. We'll see how it goes. I think I'm more upset than I'm admitting to myself. I mean I'm sure I am. I mean I know I'm upset because of how hard today was, but I think there's more here. I'm suspicious of myself.
I don't think I've ever used the word "I" so much in 3 sentences. :[[
I'm really glad that Wit is next week. It's been a while since I've been proud of myself for something, so hopefully this will change that. Plus it will give me something to do. I'm trying really really hard to care about it. I don't think I've really convinced myself yet, but I'm getting there.
I'm just babbling. I just don't even make sense to myself. I need to figure out myself before I can pursue anything with anyone. That's the lesson I've learned here. Also, I need to get serious about something. Anything. Painting, drawing, singing, guitar, something. I need something to focus on so I can stop focusing on all the things that aren't there. They'll come, eventually, I'm just impatient so I need something to distract me while I'm waiting.
I've never felt like this before. This is very real to me, more than a lot of things are. I'm embracing whatever it is that's happening to me wholeheartedly, I think. I'm trying to, anyway. Whatever comes of this, it is going to be a big change of some kind, and probably a permanent one. Because clearly whatever I've done so far that's led me up to this point hasn't worked.
Change, is what it comes down to. Hopefully for the better. We'll see.
Rent auditions are next week. I'm nervous, but I'm going to go for it. I know that I can sing, but I can't do it in front of people. I can't really do anything in front of people. Like talk or breathe. Or stand still. Or think.
Still though. Rent. I'm hopingwishingdreaming for a lead, we'll see how that goes. I'm expecting ensemble if anything, that should be fun. There will be a lot of drama in the show but I still want to be a part of it. Having a lead in the musical that is the last show of my senior year would of course be ideal, but I am not picky and will take anything.
Radiohead is therapeutic. I don't care what anyone says, they are an amazing band. So is The Fall of Troy. So is Circa Survive.
If nothing else, I have awesome music to fall back on :]
I'm glad that our friendship seems to be intact, but I am so embarassed. I just can't even look at [redacted] without wanting to crawl into a hole. I hope he'll totally and completely forget about it and just be friends with me. I will be destroyed if that can't happen. I just...don't even want to think about it. We'll see how it goes. I think I'm more upset than I'm admitting to myself. I mean I'm sure I am. I mean I know I'm upset because of how hard today was, but I think there's more here. I'm suspicious of myself.
I don't think I've ever used the word "I" so much in 3 sentences. :[[
I'm really glad that Wit is next week. It's been a while since I've been proud of myself for something, so hopefully this will change that. Plus it will give me something to do. I'm trying really really hard to care about it. I don't think I've really convinced myself yet, but I'm getting there.
I'm just babbling. I just don't even make sense to myself. I need to figure out myself before I can pursue anything with anyone. That's the lesson I've learned here. Also, I need to get serious about something. Anything. Painting, drawing, singing, guitar, something. I need something to focus on so I can stop focusing on all the things that aren't there. They'll come, eventually, I'm just impatient so I need something to distract me while I'm waiting.
I've never felt like this before. This is very real to me, more than a lot of things are. I'm embracing whatever it is that's happening to me wholeheartedly, I think. I'm trying to, anyway. Whatever comes of this, it is going to be a big change of some kind, and probably a permanent one. Because clearly whatever I've done so far that's led me up to this point hasn't worked.
Change, is what it comes down to. Hopefully for the better. We'll see.