What the hell is wrong with me?
Ok, so this is not going to make much sense. Its going to be one of those just babble for myself and I type faster than I write or else I would write this all down and then burn it. But typing it up and posting it to something that no one reads anyway will have the same effect I think.
But, I don't know whats wrong with me, really. I mean I just had a fun day hanging out with Amanda, but on my ride home I just got SO frustrated and emo its annoying. Like, my life is fine. Nothing to special, but good. I have friends, I have family, I can go to college and all that, but I just got so mad and sad and irritated with myself. Like, I don't know if this has anything to do with Danielle's freak out that I talked her out of, or if I just started freaking out right now. But I feel like my life is totally pointless. I don't do anything, and i'm just following through on autopiolt. I just breath and exist, with no real significance. Like I said, i really don't have a reason for being so emo and dumb but it just is overwhelming at this moment. Maybe I can type it all out and just move on.
Do I take enough risks? Do i do anything that will mean anything, or change my future in ANY way? Not really. I live inside my little box and let it all just play out. When was the last time I risked something? I don't know.
Maybe this has to do with Nathan getting married. I'm happy for him, really. I'm glad he's with Sarah, and I'm glad he is so in love with her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. But why do I feel like I'm loosing something in the process? Am I still not over him? I think I am, but what if i still hold onto the concept of us? Why would I do that? I think because its easier than letting go and trying to feel a connection with someone else. Nathan is the first guy who i really actually liked. God knows why, really. I mean when I met him I was in the seventh grade, and he lived next door to mom. He was a crazy flirt, and I found that to be so cool. I just fell for him, and didn't really care. Fast forward a few years and I still have this stupid crush on him. We "dated" for a month out of the summer, under the idea that we would "break-up" when I left, which we did, but I didn't let go then. I still liked him, and it didn't help anything that he said he loved me while we went out, and that I beleived him. Then, to find out like two weeks later, he's dating Sarah. Big shocker. He madeout with me for a month, talked about having sex with me, to whhich i declined because I thought that would avoid some emotional torture on my part, which it might of, I guess, not that I didn't go through some anyway, but he got it all out of his system, and dated Sarah happily ever after. Me, instead of doing the same (not Sarah, but a guy who lived in the SAME STATE as me) got mad, stopped talking to him, and pouted, thinking something was wrong with me because I let him just take over my entire brain. He was great, he was perfect, and I lost him to the big open sea, and would never be happy again. Bull shit, right? Well, thats how it should be by now. Senior in high school, and I havn't dated anyone else. I've flirted and had fun, but never dated anyone. Why? I havn't got a CLUE!! I've had offers, but they just weren't...good enough? Those guys weren't...as comfortable as Nathan was. Any normal person would have gone out with one of them, and gotten comfortable with them. That's what you're suppose to do, go out with someone and get to know them, fall into puppy love and be happy. Me, I said no, and waited. WHAT THE FUCK NATALIE?!?!?! Now, he's getting married, and its obvious that he doesn't want me, he wants Sarah. And I don't want him to want me, I want to be wanted by someone here, someone I know. But they don't. Why? Because I'm boring and shy and don't take risks and don't do anything.
Erg. I can't beleive myself sometimes. Why do I let myself get so caught up in things that will never happen? Why do I hold onto possibilities when I know they aren't true? Why am I letting this control me now? Why can't I just LET IT FUCKING GO?! Why why why why why why why why why?
Why do I care?
Why am I being so self destructive?
Why do I feel like I'm a bomb ready to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
But, I don't know whats wrong with me, really. I mean I just had a fun day hanging out with Amanda, but on my ride home I just got SO frustrated and emo its annoying. Like, my life is fine. Nothing to special, but good. I have friends, I have family, I can go to college and all that, but I just got so mad and sad and irritated with myself. Like, I don't know if this has anything to do with Danielle's freak out that I talked her out of, or if I just started freaking out right now. But I feel like my life is totally pointless. I don't do anything, and i'm just following through on autopiolt. I just breath and exist, with no real significance. Like I said, i really don't have a reason for being so emo and dumb but it just is overwhelming at this moment. Maybe I can type it all out and just move on.
Do I take enough risks? Do i do anything that will mean anything, or change my future in ANY way? Not really. I live inside my little box and let it all just play out. When was the last time I risked something? I don't know.
Maybe this has to do with Nathan getting married. I'm happy for him, really. I'm glad he's with Sarah, and I'm glad he is so in love with her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. But why do I feel like I'm loosing something in the process? Am I still not over him? I think I am, but what if i still hold onto the concept of us? Why would I do that? I think because its easier than letting go and trying to feel a connection with someone else. Nathan is the first guy who i really actually liked. God knows why, really. I mean when I met him I was in the seventh grade, and he lived next door to mom. He was a crazy flirt, and I found that to be so cool. I just fell for him, and didn't really care. Fast forward a few years and I still have this stupid crush on him. We "dated" for a month out of the summer, under the idea that we would "break-up" when I left, which we did, but I didn't let go then. I still liked him, and it didn't help anything that he said he loved me while we went out, and that I beleived him. Then, to find out like two weeks later, he's dating Sarah. Big shocker. He madeout with me for a month, talked about having sex with me, to whhich i declined because I thought that would avoid some emotional torture on my part, which it might of, I guess, not that I didn't go through some anyway, but he got it all out of his system, and dated Sarah happily ever after. Me, instead of doing the same (not Sarah, but a guy who lived in the SAME STATE as me) got mad, stopped talking to him, and pouted, thinking something was wrong with me because I let him just take over my entire brain. He was great, he was perfect, and I lost him to the big open sea, and would never be happy again. Bull shit, right? Well, thats how it should be by now. Senior in high school, and I havn't dated anyone else. I've flirted and had fun, but never dated anyone. Why? I havn't got a CLUE!! I've had offers, but they just weren't...good enough? Those guys weren't...as comfortable as Nathan was. Any normal person would have gone out with one of them, and gotten comfortable with them. That's what you're suppose to do, go out with someone and get to know them, fall into puppy love and be happy. Me, I said no, and waited. WHAT THE FUCK NATALIE?!?!?! Now, he's getting married, and its obvious that he doesn't want me, he wants Sarah. And I don't want him to want me, I want to be wanted by someone here, someone I know. But they don't. Why? Because I'm boring and shy and don't take risks and don't do anything.
Erg. I can't beleive myself sometimes. Why do I let myself get so caught up in things that will never happen? Why do I hold onto possibilities when I know they aren't true? Why am I letting this control me now? Why can't I just LET IT FUCKING GO?! Why why why why why why why why why?
Why do I care?
Why am I being so self destructive?
Why do I feel like I'm a bomb ready to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to explode?