Life is complicated.
And yet we all make it seem so simple. I like to think that life is black and white. And I think you do too. When life is that simple, it makes all the problems less problematic. Every problem has a solution. I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly. I was just reading Amanda's entry about all of us trying out identities and how none really fit right. And I got to the part about people showing off, at least pretending to have complete confidence in themselves and all that, and the whole time I was sitting there thinking "I don't, I don't know who I am." And at first I thought I was just proving her point. But then I started to think, what if that is the "mask" I'm wearing right now. What if I'm trying out the identity of the "lost girl" or the "girl searching for her true identity"? But why would anyone really WANT to try that identity on for size, you may ask. What if that is my excuse for not growing up? What if my "searching" is my own personal wall I've set up to avoid finding out who I should be? Isn't easier to pretend that we are working towards something, when we're really just sitting back and chilling until someone else comes along and does it for us? Yes. So what if that's what I'm doing? Sitting back, and waiting until I HAVE to be something, when searching is no longer acceptable, and its time to decide what I "am", and I just go with what the most popular conception of me happens to be at the time. Is that any better than choosing the wrong identity? My first reaction to this statement (seeing as I'm writing as I think this through), was "No.", but then I got to thinking again (see, complicated, I'm arguing with myself.) and what could be worse than convincing yourself you're something you're not? You go along thinking you have it all figured out and then something happens and you realize your life is all fake! And is it worse that you decided that was you, and you were wrong, or that everyone else saw you wrong? Or is it the exact same thing? (Again with the arguing with myself. I'm like a one-woman debate team.) When you let other people tell you you are one thing and you believe them, because, hey if multiple people think the same thing independently, when who are you to say its not true? Maybe you're blind to a certain quality about yourself because recognizing it would be a fly in the ointment, the ointment (I'm not sure that's spelled correctly, but I think you know what saying I'm attempting here.) being how you see yourself. Recognizing a flaw in yourself that everyone else sees can ruin your image of how you see yourself, or don't see yourself, if the "lost girl/boy" is actually an identity.
OK, I might have lost you there, because I kinda lost myself in my random points I'm trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that is it worse that you lie to yourself about who you are, or to let everyone else decide for you? And at first I thought letting others decide who you are is worse than you choosing wrong. And then i decided that they are the same thing in a manner of speaking. Either way, the choosing could be wrong, and you still have to start from scratch, unless you are like me, (or what I'm currently trying to decide is me or not) who is avoiding deciding who she should be by playing the "I'm still looking" card over and over again. And by playing that card I get to avoid the reality of I could turn out to be a nobody. Isn't that almost everyone's fear? Of dying and not making the slightest dent in the world? That they will grow up to be no one important, die, and then be forgotten? I don't want that. I don't want to be famous or anything, at least not famous in the matter of being a celebrity. I want to mean something to someone, at some point, for doing SOMETHING! But in order to do that something for someone at SOME POINT in my life, I have to be SOMEBODY! I have to choose, and right now I'm wondering if I'm avoiding choosing because it makes it easier to deal with the fact that I haven't done anything to make myself remembered. Since I haven't chosen who I should be then I always have the excuse for not doing anything. (Am I repeating myself? I feel like I'm trying to sound smart or insightful, or deep by making an extended argument, when in all actuality I'm arguing like a democrat a presenting the same information over and over again in different, slightly fluffier, wording.) And I keep typing "who i SHOULD be", shouldn't I say "who I WANT to be"? Or is "want" not the right word after all, because we can want all our lives, and it still not be the correct thing for us. But, if I'm going to choose the correct identity for myself, eventually, shouldn't I want to be that? Is it possible for what I "should be" to be the same thing as what I "want to be"? Or does it have to be either or? I feel like they should be the same thing. If you think about it, I'm suppose to want what I should be, because that would be the true me. Unless people think I should be one type of person, and I want to be a different type. Who's lying then? Me? Them? Me? Them? Both?
Unless I'm looking at this all wrong! What if I'm trying to look at this in a "the world is black and white" kinda way? What if we aren't suppose to have an identity? When you think about it, no one fits into one genre. No one is fully Punk, Emo, Prep, Jock, Nerd, Loner, WHATEVER! No one is all one thing. Ask anyone and they won't be able to fully put themselves into one group. You can say a person is all one thing, but you don't know that for sure! You don't know EVERY LITTLE DETAIL about that person, and could possibly put them in one group 100%. What if the world is all a "grey area"? There is no black, no white. What if there's no GREY! What if we're all nothing, or all something? No, I'm going to stick with all nothing. What if we are just suppose to search for who we are? Because how can we be expected to find ourselves or figure out what we should be, if we can't fit into one thing? Or am I just making excuses again, for not knowing what I am, or not wanting to know what I am, in order to avoid my nothing?
Sorry if that was way over dramatic, or didn't make any sense. I didn't really write it for you, I wrote it for me. But if I helped you or made you feel better, then I'm glad
OK, I might have lost you there, because I kinda lost myself in my random points I'm trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that is it worse that you lie to yourself about who you are, or to let everyone else decide for you? And at first I thought letting others decide who you are is worse than you choosing wrong. And then i decided that they are the same thing in a manner of speaking. Either way, the choosing could be wrong, and you still have to start from scratch, unless you are like me, (or what I'm currently trying to decide is me or not) who is avoiding deciding who she should be by playing the "I'm still looking" card over and over again. And by playing that card I get to avoid the reality of I could turn out to be a nobody. Isn't that almost everyone's fear? Of dying and not making the slightest dent in the world? That they will grow up to be no one important, die, and then be forgotten? I don't want that. I don't want to be famous or anything, at least not famous in the matter of being a celebrity. I want to mean something to someone, at some point, for doing SOMETHING! But in order to do that something for someone at SOME POINT in my life, I have to be SOMEBODY! I have to choose, and right now I'm wondering if I'm avoiding choosing because it makes it easier to deal with the fact that I haven't done anything to make myself remembered. Since I haven't chosen who I should be then I always have the excuse for not doing anything. (Am I repeating myself? I feel like I'm trying to sound smart or insightful, or deep by making an extended argument, when in all actuality I'm arguing like a democrat a presenting the same information over and over again in different, slightly fluffier, wording.) And I keep typing "who i SHOULD be", shouldn't I say "who I WANT to be"? Or is "want" not the right word after all, because we can want all our lives, and it still not be the correct thing for us. But, if I'm going to choose the correct identity for myself, eventually, shouldn't I want to be that? Is it possible for what I "should be" to be the same thing as what I "want to be"? Or does it have to be either or? I feel like they should be the same thing. If you think about it, I'm suppose to want what I should be, because that would be the true me. Unless people think I should be one type of person, and I want to be a different type. Who's lying then? Me? Them? Me? Them? Both?
Unless I'm looking at this all wrong! What if I'm trying to look at this in a "the world is black and white" kinda way? What if we aren't suppose to have an identity? When you think about it, no one fits into one genre. No one is fully Punk, Emo, Prep, Jock, Nerd, Loner, WHATEVER! No one is all one thing. Ask anyone and they won't be able to fully put themselves into one group. You can say a person is all one thing, but you don't know that for sure! You don't know EVERY LITTLE DETAIL about that person, and could possibly put them in one group 100%. What if the world is all a "grey area"? There is no black, no white. What if there's no GREY! What if we're all nothing, or all something? No, I'm going to stick with all nothing. What if we are just suppose to search for who we are? Because how can we be expected to find ourselves or figure out what we should be, if we can't fit into one thing? Or am I just making excuses again, for not knowing what I am, or not wanting to know what I am, in order to avoid my nothing?
Sorry if that was way over dramatic, or didn't make any sense. I didn't really write it for you, I wrote it for me. But if I helped you or made you feel better, then I'm glad