regression of some retarded kind
know what fucking pisses me off?
i can't even watch a goddamn romantic movie anymore because they just make me depressed, and i can't even watch an anti-romance like 500 days of summer anymore because i overempathise and get bitter.
i don't understand the way i've been feeling lately. i really don't. a week or so ago i began to feel better because i had made the decision to see somebody about all of the random-ass crap that has been taking shits my head lately, and i think i sort of felt as though, you know, if just making a decision to do something made me feel better, maybe i don't need to do the thing itself... stupid and contrary i know, but there you go.
so obviously i just need to get organised. the goddamn hypnotherapist charges $170 for the first session and then $110 per session after that, and that makes my wallet hurt SO BAD, but obviously nothing positive re my mental state is going to happen until i grit my teeth and pay up. GOD. and i know i should see a shrink too. but christ, i'm really not made of money :(
i also feel a bit like i won't even be able to tell a shrink everything that is going on inside my head. i've never really done that. there is always something or some things that i hold back, i dunno why, it's counterproductive really, but yeah, so i'm a little worried that nothing will help, you know?
all of this makes me so angry. i consider myself a resilient person who can claw her way through anything, no matter how shitty, but for the first time i feel like something is beating me. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and whiny. like i've never been afraid to ask for help or to spill my guts, but in the end, it's been me who has done the hard yards. so why should this be any different? WHY THE FUCK should some bullshit fucking emotional crap heaped on me by a controlling asshole of an american almost 2 years ago be snapping at my ass NOW? what the fuck is different about me now than it was 6 months ago? a year ago? fucking 2 weeks after we broke up? by all rights it should be better and further behind me every day. but it's dragging itself up out of my gullet like a goddamn filthy puke and it makes me sicker every second.
i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.
i can't even watch a goddamn romantic movie anymore because they just make me depressed, and i can't even watch an anti-romance like 500 days of summer anymore because i overempathise and get bitter.
i don't understand the way i've been feeling lately. i really don't. a week or so ago i began to feel better because i had made the decision to see somebody about all of the random-ass crap that has been taking shits my head lately, and i think i sort of felt as though, you know, if just making a decision to do something made me feel better, maybe i don't need to do the thing itself... stupid and contrary i know, but there you go.
so obviously i just need to get organised. the goddamn hypnotherapist charges $170 for the first session and then $110 per session after that, and that makes my wallet hurt SO BAD, but obviously nothing positive re my mental state is going to happen until i grit my teeth and pay up. GOD. and i know i should see a shrink too. but christ, i'm really not made of money :(
i also feel a bit like i won't even be able to tell a shrink everything that is going on inside my head. i've never really done that. there is always something or some things that i hold back, i dunno why, it's counterproductive really, but yeah, so i'm a little worried that nothing will help, you know?
all of this makes me so angry. i consider myself a resilient person who can claw her way through anything, no matter how shitty, but for the first time i feel like something is beating me. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and whiny. like i've never been afraid to ask for help or to spill my guts, but in the end, it's been me who has done the hard yards. so why should this be any different? WHY THE FUCK should some bullshit fucking emotional crap heaped on me by a controlling asshole of an american almost 2 years ago be snapping at my ass NOW? what the fuck is different about me now than it was 6 months ago? a year ago? fucking 2 weeks after we broke up? by all rights it should be better and further behind me every day. but it's dragging itself up out of my gullet like a goddamn filthy puke and it makes me sicker every second.
i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.