Clean Skin
Tony had scars in other places, from other wounds. He hadn’t as many as Jack, for sure, but they were there, and he knew where. A lot of them were memories of a very active childhood, a few from his time in the Marines. Tony had done a good job staying away from the world of wear and tear. Not that he was vain. He just, in spite of his talents, preferred the office to the field. It’s why he majored in computer science and not criminology. He preferred normalcy, quiet, peace.
The funny thing about his preferences was he liked to stay on his feet. Out of all the CTU directors he had known, Tony was the one who moved around the most. When Jack wasn’t in the field he was in his office; the same was true for George, although he rarely went out in the field. Tony always moved around, never sat in his office for more than a few minutes before he was darting about on the floor again.
It was the same when he had been reinstated. Jack had pulled him back in the field and Tony had complied, but he couldn’t help but feel that his true calling was on the floor. Which was why he had protested to being reinstated. The minute he walked back into CTU was the minute he fell for the game all over again. And he was pretty sure Jack knew that, too-otherwise, why would he have sent Tony back to CTU with Dina and Behrooz when there were other field agents?
Jack was perhaps the only person at CTU who knew what Tony was capable of, both as a field agent as someone on the floor. It had surprised, even hurt Tony that Michelle had either forgotten or simply didn’t want to acknowledge that. He excused it in his mind as a mere act of belittlement, an act he attributed to anyone who didn’t rub his ego, but if Jack was the only one who knew what Tony was capable of as an agent Michelle was the only one who knew just how insecure Tony was on the inside.
Perhaps her actions were deliberately meant to hurt him. Maybe she was confused and didn’t know what to think. Whatever she did think, Tony didn’t want to know. That was in the past now, just like his service to CTU, just like his scars. Tony moves his left arm a little, observing his wrist. It’s the one battle scar that should’ve been there but isn’t, the one thing that made him doubt the reality of Milliways the most. If he called his sister about it she wouldn’t remember. If he called his brother he’d think he was crazy. The only people who remembered his suicide were in Milliways. Outside, it didn’t exist, didn’t happen.
He’s not sure if he should be confused or grateful about that.
It was enough to make him think it hadn’t really happened, that Milliways hadn’t really happened. But this place was real, just like his suicide was real, just like the woman who was lying beside him was realer than anything he had ever known. It wasn’t that Milliways was wiping away the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life, no. It was that Milliways was giving him a second chance, a clean slate, just like Jack had offered him when he called him back into service. Tony supposed that had always been the appeal of religion, the offering of a second chance, a clean slate, no matter how hard he had screwed up. It was just his own stubbornness that made him believe he wasn’t worthy of anything, his own stubbornness that had driven him to suicide.
But God, Jack, Milliways, Michelle-showed no concern or care for his stubborn nature. It was why he had clean skin, a clean wrist that was free from the marks of his stubbornness. It was why he was still alive to be called back to CTU by Jack, to reconcile with Michelle-to be beside her now at Milliways, his home, with clean skin, a fresh start, and a future that was wholly unwritten.
Closing his eyes, he wraps his free arm around Michelle’s waist and holds her closer as he drifts back into sleep.
The funny thing about his preferences was he liked to stay on his feet. Out of all the CTU directors he had known, Tony was the one who moved around the most. When Jack wasn’t in the field he was in his office; the same was true for George, although he rarely went out in the field. Tony always moved around, never sat in his office for more than a few minutes before he was darting about on the floor again.
It was the same when he had been reinstated. Jack had pulled him back in the field and Tony had complied, but he couldn’t help but feel that his true calling was on the floor. Which was why he had protested to being reinstated. The minute he walked back into CTU was the minute he fell for the game all over again. And he was pretty sure Jack knew that, too-otherwise, why would he have sent Tony back to CTU with Dina and Behrooz when there were other field agents?
Jack was perhaps the only person at CTU who knew what Tony was capable of, both as a field agent as someone on the floor. It had surprised, even hurt Tony that Michelle had either forgotten or simply didn’t want to acknowledge that. He excused it in his mind as a mere act of belittlement, an act he attributed to anyone who didn’t rub his ego, but if Jack was the only one who knew what Tony was capable of as an agent Michelle was the only one who knew just how insecure Tony was on the inside.
Perhaps her actions were deliberately meant to hurt him. Maybe she was confused and didn’t know what to think. Whatever she did think, Tony didn’t want to know. That was in the past now, just like his service to CTU, just like his scars. Tony moves his left arm a little, observing his wrist. It’s the one battle scar that should’ve been there but isn’t, the one thing that made him doubt the reality of Milliways the most. If he called his sister about it she wouldn’t remember. If he called his brother he’d think he was crazy. The only people who remembered his suicide were in Milliways. Outside, it didn’t exist, didn’t happen.
He’s not sure if he should be confused or grateful about that.
It was enough to make him think it hadn’t really happened, that Milliways hadn’t really happened. But this place was real, just like his suicide was real, just like the woman who was lying beside him was realer than anything he had ever known. It wasn’t that Milliways was wiping away the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life, no. It was that Milliways was giving him a second chance, a clean slate, just like Jack had offered him when he called him back into service. Tony supposed that had always been the appeal of religion, the offering of a second chance, a clean slate, no matter how hard he had screwed up. It was just his own stubbornness that made him believe he wasn’t worthy of anything, his own stubbornness that had driven him to suicide.
But God, Jack, Milliways, Michelle-showed no concern or care for his stubborn nature. It was why he had clean skin, a clean wrist that was free from the marks of his stubbornness. It was why he was still alive to be called back to CTU by Jack, to reconcile with Michelle-to be beside her now at Milliways, his home, with clean skin, a fresh start, and a future that was wholly unwritten.
Closing his eyes, he wraps his free arm around Michelle’s waist and holds her closer as he drifts back into sleep.