(no subject)
I thought this was funny. I got this from one of my teachers
YOUR HOROSCOPE
The surge in belief in astrology continues unabated as millions of Americans study the stars for guidance in leading their daily lives. What follows may look like your typical astrology column, but it offers a somewhat atypical analysis of those born under the various monthly signs. Perhaps most mysterious of all is the source of this personality prospectus. Widely though anonymously circulated in California, it fell in to the hands of the San Francisco magazine Mother Jones, whose editors claimed it had been found by "a janitor at the San Francisco Suicide Prevention Center," The original author, however, has yet to step forward and accept responsibility, perhaps for fear of retribution by true believers, if not by the stars themselves.
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination, and you work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a Communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are
Cancer (June 22 - July 21) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (July 22 - August 21) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
Virgo (August 22 - September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult tune with reality. Chances for monetary gain are good. Libras make good prostitutes. All Libras die of STD.
Scorpius (October 23 - November 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. People laugh at you a lot. Most Sagittarians are drug addicts.
Capricornus (December 22 - January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There have never been any Capricorns of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, for they may take root and become trees.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19) You have an inventive mind and are jealous and possessive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be reckless and impractical. Therefore, you make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or the FBI. You have small influence over your associates but they resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans do terrible things to small animals.
........from the San Francisco Chronicle (n.d.)
YOUR HOROSCOPE
The surge in belief in astrology continues unabated as millions of Americans study the stars for guidance in leading their daily lives. What follows may look like your typical astrology column, but it offers a somewhat atypical analysis of those born under the various monthly signs. Perhaps most mysterious of all is the source of this personality prospectus. Widely though anonymously circulated in California, it fell in to the hands of the San Francisco magazine Mother Jones, whose editors claimed it had been found by "a janitor at the San Francisco Suicide Prevention Center," The original author, however, has yet to step forward and accept responsibility, perhaps for fear of retribution by true believers, if not by the stars themselves.
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination, and you work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a Communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are
Cancer (June 22 - July 21) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (July 22 - August 21) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
Virgo (August 22 - September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult tune with reality. Chances for monetary gain are good. Libras make good prostitutes. All Libras die of STD.
Scorpius (October 23 - November 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. People laugh at you a lot. Most Sagittarians are drug addicts.
Capricornus (December 22 - January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There have never been any Capricorns of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, for they may take root and become trees.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19) You have an inventive mind and are jealous and possessive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be reckless and impractical. Therefore, you make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or the FBI. You have small influence over your associates but they resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans do terrible things to small animals.
........from the San Francisco Chronicle (n.d.)