(no subject)
My dad passed away two weeks ago. I've been trying to figure out what to write about this for the last two weeks. I didn't want this to be a sappy sob story. Because the truth about it is, what has happened to my family is sad but its not tragic. Its life.
The past two weeks have been hard.
My mom and I went to Blockbuster tonight to rent something since there are no good movies out in theaters. We rented the first season of Six Feet Under, something we had planned on doing over the holidays anyway since neither one of us ever saw that show and heard it was good. We didn't realize that it starts off with the father's death.
We watched 3 episodes and its been strangely therapeutic. Its weird to be able to relate to those kinds of feeling so closely.
Anyway, its going to sound weird but there was a quote in the first episode that really seemed to describe what this feels like:
Nate: You can pump him full of chemicals. You can put make-up on him. You can prop him up for a nap in the slumber room but the fact remains, David, that the only father we're ever gonna have is gone! Forever... and that sucks, but it's a goddamned part of life and you can't really accept it without getting your hands dirty. Well I do accept it and I intend to honor the old bastard by letting the whole world see just how fucked up and shitty I feel that he's dead! God damnit!
Priest: Amen.
I had a hard time imagining how I was going to be able to go to the wake. And after it was over, I felt this kind of peaceful relief. I thought now we can really start to try and get back to normal, no more fucked up shit to go through.
In the last few days I've realized that we can't go back to normal. Because that normal is gone. What we have to do is find a new normal. And it will take time, it will continue to be hard but I do think there will be a time and place where this idea of my father being dead will be okay.
Thats life. Sometimes it really sucks but its okay. You find things to make it better. Like calming songs that help you fall asleep every night. And Gallons upon gallons of warm soul-saving tea. And knitting things out of pretty yarn you couldn't really afford but had to have anyway.
I spent much of this week writing a 22 page paper for one of my classes. I somehow got it done on time for the due date. I only have one more paper to go.
And then I am looking forward to taking the time to sit down and exhale a little.
I'm lucky.
We have a lot of love and a lot of support for each other.
I had my dad in my life for 25 years. Thats more than some people get.
Do I wish he hadn't died? Almost everyday. But I suppose that with time, this too shall pass.