Can life get any more insane?
I'm feeling the need to journal. If for nothing else than to vent. I have so many things going through my head right now - when I take time to think about it all, I feel my heart race and my chest ache a bit. So, I am trying to breathe regularly and just relax. Easier said than done these days.
We had to bring my Mother to live with us last August and there have been many times over these months since she came to live with us that I thought I couldn't take it any more. Many times I asked myself, 'is she like this because she wants to be or because she doesn't know anything else?' Well, I guess I've got my answer.
In more recent days we've been struggling with the challenge of coordinating cleaning services, an estate sale and preparing for auctioning Mom's house. We're trying to get something out of it and it's contents before the city decides to completely foreclose on her for back taxes. Last Friday, we went down there w/a trailer to get as much as we could get out of the house. Little did we know Mom was on the downhill slide and getting ready to snap. She was acting loopy but again, we couldn't really determine if it was because she was being manipulative or if she really couldn't make any decisions. On Monday, we took her to visit a complex here in town to look @ a new apartment. The building used to be the town's High School - a beautiful old building built in the 20's. The apartment was amazing. The complex also has a heated indoor swimming pool, a gym and all sorts of activities including the meals on wheel program serving lunches Monday thru Friday. We immediately put a deposit down for Mom. It was a place that even Terry & I would have loved to live in if we were able to qualify. It is only for seniors 55+ and disabled. But, as it turns out - Mom made $9.30 more than the income cap allowed. She was devastated. Terry and I did our best to make her feel better and tell her that there were other places we could check out. I called another complex in town - it wasn't as nice or had all the amenities that the other place had but, they determined rent based on a person's income after their medical expenses and their income cap was much higher than the other one was. But, it was too late. Mom had apparently snapped. By the next morning - she was "gone".
She had gotten up at around 3am in the morning. I woke up her her opening and shutting all the doors in the house. I forced myself to stay in bed - trying to get more sleep before I had to get up for work. When I did get up - she was fully dressed, even had really nice shoes on. I asked her, "are you going somewhere"? She said, "not that I know of". She had buttered two pcs of bread - I asked her if they were hers and she very confidently said, "no Ma'am, don't know who's those are". Terry was going to take her to visit the 2nd apartment complex that day. But, he told her she needed to take a shower (we've had to remind her to do that over recent months). She at one point barked at him, "I'll do it in the morning!". Terry had to tell her it was morning. She was saying other weird things - kept asking what day it was. I called the mental health clinic where she is a client but they said it sounded like a medical condition & told me to call her personal physician. I called them and they thought it sounded like she could have had a stroke so they suggested we take her to the ER. Terry was reluctant at first, afraid we were over-reacting. But, I told him that we are just putting off the inevitable and that we are not in a position to truly diagnose her problem. He had been so fed up with her as of late - so frustrated w/her bitchiness and manipulation.
After taking her to the ER she started hallucinating and saying weird things. When the staff would ask her questions she was answering very weirdly. Telling the staff things like she had started her nursing career at John Hopkins hospital and that she had been a professional actress out on the East Coast. While she was a nurse and she at one time had been an actress she was never @ Johns Hopkins and her only acting had been either in College in Texas or in Wichita. She was still hallucinating even that evening when I visited her. By the next day, she was still not quite right - recounting stories that weren't quite all true and not remembering things. Thursday night, the Dr called me and we talked at length. I explained that she could put on a good show - the combination of being a nurse and a former actress - allows her to say & do all the right things to make it appear that she's fine. He said he could see that quite clearly in her. She had many tests; CT scans, an MRI, blood work, urinalysis. At first, it was believed that her meds were out of whack but he said her chemical tests came out normal. She did have some cerebral atrophy - where her brain has shrunk quite a bit but he said that doesn't really have a connection to her current condition. There are many people who have alot less atrophy and are far more messed up. But, with that said, he felt she had several issues at hand. There is some obvious dementia and depression but he believes there are other psychiatric issues such as possibly a personality disorder or even bi-polar disease. So, yesterday - she was transferred to a Senior Behavioral Health Center in a hospital in Leavenworth. It's a lockdown psych unit for seniors. She was taken there for some more in-depth neuro-psychiatric testing and some different medication therapy to see what they can do to provide her with some good treatment and intense therapy. In a few days - maybe in a couple of weeks, she'll need to go to an Assisted Living facility for continued care and observation to see how the new medication is taking effect. Essentially, she will not be able to come back to live with us unless we had someone to watch her 24 hrs a day. She doesn't know that yet.
That facility in Leavenworth was something else. There were several people there that were far out of it that my Mom was yesterday. I felt bad for her because she was looking at some of the other crazy people and kept asking herself why she was there. We had to explain that just the day before she had no concept of time and was seeing/hearing things. She didn't want to be there - wanted to go home. I understood completely, but she needs the intense therapy and in a place that keeps her safe. I wanted her to understand it was purely temporary. But, it won't be easy for her there, I can tell. Her roomate is totally batty. There was someone there last night that was crying loudly in the middle of the night, "Oh Lord help me!". It was so unsettling for Mom. I hope we can get her out of there soon.
It is so damn hard to be in this position. I want her to get the proper care - but, she is like a child. It was like putting a child in a place they didn't want to be. She said, "yes, I'm crazy - but not that crazy". Ugh.
In the meantime, she managed to get her Medical Power of Attorney set up so that if/when she gets to the point where she can't make medical decisions for herself, I am to act in her place. I also have to make arrangments to get the regular Durable Power of Attorney so that I can take care of her financial affairs. Which includes wrapping things up with her house and getting her bills in order.
It is daunting to think about it all at once. I can only think about certain things a little bit at a time. I can tell I am in the "Mother" mode - trying to do what has to be done - and having to distance myself emotionally. Terry was getting a bit upset when we were driving home from the hospital last night. She had worked him to the point where he had felt he didn't want to have anything to do with her in these last couple of weeks. But, after having to put her in that facility yesterday - it made him realize that he cares for her and it hurt him to see her in a place like that. I had to reassure him that while it looked awful - it was necessary. This was again not a permanent situation. But, we have to make sure she gets the proper care she needs. She is 'with it' just enough to appear that everything is fine but we can't continue to let her live like that because it's unsafe for her. We have to be very realistic about her condition and we can't get emotionally wrapped up in feeling sorry for her because it's no good for her and doesn't get her the help she needs.
After all of this I've determined that I have to quit school for awhile. There is no way I can conceivably try to take classes right now. I'm hoping to be able to keep my job during all of this financial uncertanty. Our business has waned considerably and we're looking at some temporary shutdowns (obviously unpaid) in the next few months. And, all the while the kids are busy with their activities and I'd like to help Terry keep his business up & running (with some marketing and such). There is just so much going on right now - school is the last of my worries. The bitch of it is though, that if I don't return to school in 6 mos - I'll have to start repaying my loans. I'm hoping that things will simmer down enough that I could start back up again in September but I can't even fathom any of that at this point.
Our 19th Wedding anniversary is coming up next weekend. I think I'm going to arrange for Terry & I to go to the spa for the day. I would absolutely love a massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, body wrap - anything that will melt this stress away.....