Rules for movie theaters
I don't like seeing movies in movie theaters for a hundred and one reasons. But sometimes I end up going anyway.
To make it a more pleasant experience for those of us who are less than thrilled with the movie theater experience, here are some rules for what you can, can't, should, and shouldn't do in a movie theater.
1. If there are plenty of empty seats, don't choose ones directly in front of someone else. Spread out. No one wants to see the back of your head for three hours, or listen to your popcorn bag crinkling.
2. If you bought snacks, portion them out among your friends before the movie starts. I don't want to hear "do you want some?" "what?" "I SAID, DO YOU WANT SOME?" "I don't know, what is it?" "Skittles." "I dunno" "go ahead, take some" "okay, gimme a red one" "is this red?" "no, it's orange" in the middle of the big fight scene or the makeout scene or whatever the hell. If someone offers you some of whatever the hell, take some and SHUT UP.
3. Don't do a running commentary for the benefit of your neighbors. Don't say, "That's Orlando Bloom, he was in that movie playing that elf and wore a blonde wig". Don't say, "Okay, this is that guy's father." If the people you're with are too stupid to follow the movie themselves, or they happen to like pop-up video style trivia, then maybe you should wait until it comes out on DVD.
4. Relatedly, don't keep asking questions about the movie. Just watch it. Your questions will be answered, and this way no one has to miss any of the storyline. Including me, who happens to be sitting behind you.
5. People being attractive and doing the things attractive people are prone to do (like existing, or walking, or breathing) isn't funny. There is no reason to giggle and poke your friends and giggle some more because you have that guy's picture next to your bed.
6. Unless you are a doctor, a fireman, a policeman, or God, there is no reason for your phone to ring. If you're that important, put it on vibrate. If it does ring, hit ignore and shut it off. Do not answer it. If you have to answer it, it takes about ten seconds to get out the door and into the lobby where you can chat all you want. But don't answer it WHILE THE MOVIE IS ON.
7. Don't bitch about commericals or movie trailers. What did you think they were going to put on before the movie? They don't do cartoons anymore.
8. Relatedly, don't whine because you missed them. Most of the movies they have trailers for aren't coming out until next year at the very earliest, and that's plenty of time for you to hear about them from some other source.
9. Don't complain that they changed things from the source material. Yes, they do that. It's called artistic license. It's God-awful and annoying as hell when Hermione's wearing some hideous bunch of cotton candy ruffles instead of floaty periwinkle blue, but the director can't hear you. As soon as the credits start rolling, you can stand on top of your chair and scream about it all you want for all I care, but right now? Shut up.
10. There's plenty of room between the rows for your feet. If you happen to be six feet tall, there are rows without seats in front of them for you. But don't sit behind me and kick my chair to the tune of the Harry Potter soundtrack, or to imitate the cannon balls in Pirates of the Caribbean, or for whatever the hell reason you're kicking my chair.
11. Don't take small children to a PG-13 movie and get surprised when they start crying because Harry got beat up by scary bald Voldemort, or because they have bladders the size of a fingernail and they have to pee RIGHT NOW, or because it's been two hours and all dialogue and Junior's ten-minute attention span was up 140 minutes ago, or because it's been 30 minutes since little Sally finished her Skittles and she wants another bag NOW, or because that popcorn was salty and they are THIRRRRRRSTY, or because one of them has lost some toy under the seats and wants it NOW, not when the movie ends and the lights go up and I am 5 miles away from your annoying asses. Seriously.
12. Don't sing along with the soundtrack, or say the dialogue with the actors. I don't care if you've seen this movie five times, there is no reason for me or anyone to hear an echo after each line. Or your stellar American Idol-reject vocals. Don't whistle, either.
13. Bring a sweater. Don't spend the next 2 hours and 15 minutes telling everyone how cold you are.
14. Yes, the seats and the floors are sticky. Yes, you might reach between your seat and feel something round that may be a Skittle or some popcorn or an eyeball. Don't pull it up and examine it and say EWWW and tell everyone. We all know the seats are sticky and there's some weird stuff down there. We don't need you to prove it.
15. Decide who wants to sit next to who while the commercials or trailers are still on. Don't get up six times and switch seats in the middle of Dumbledore's speech and argue over who gets to sit in the sticky chair.
16. If you have to imitate the PG-13 scenes- and you know which ones I'm talking about- sit in the back row. Don't kiss each other's necks in front of me while I'm trying to concentrate on the movie. I don't need to see or hear that.
17. It's only +/- 3 hours of your life. You'll survive without text messaging, talking, eating large quantities of food, sucking on the straw even though there's no soda left and hasn't been since the trailers were over, or anything else that seems so urgent that you have to do it RIGHT NOW instead of after the credits roll.
18. If you have to go to the bathroom, go. Don't sit and debate over whether or not you should with the person next to you for five minutes. Just go. Or don't.
19. Clean up after yourself. I'm not asking you to pick up the popcorn you dropped or catch all the Skittles that fell out of the bag. I am asking you to at least take the empty bags and cups with you before you leave.
20. Here's a corollary to number 1: If there are lots of empty seats, don't sit next to strangers. Let's all have some personal space.
I know it sounds like I had a horrible time tonight, but I actually didn't. I had a nice time seeing a movie today. But it did get me thinking about the times when it's not so great...
Anyone have any suggestions?
-3:54 AM
To make it a more pleasant experience for those of us who are less than thrilled with the movie theater experience, here are some rules for what you can, can't, should, and shouldn't do in a movie theater.
1. If there are plenty of empty seats, don't choose ones directly in front of someone else. Spread out. No one wants to see the back of your head for three hours, or listen to your popcorn bag crinkling.
2. If you bought snacks, portion them out among your friends before the movie starts. I don't want to hear "do you want some?" "what?" "I SAID, DO YOU WANT SOME?" "I don't know, what is it?" "Skittles." "I dunno" "go ahead, take some" "okay, gimme a red one" "is this red?" "no, it's orange" in the middle of the big fight scene or the makeout scene or whatever the hell. If someone offers you some of whatever the hell, take some and SHUT UP.
3. Don't do a running commentary for the benefit of your neighbors. Don't say, "That's Orlando Bloom, he was in that movie playing that elf and wore a blonde wig". Don't say, "Okay, this is that guy's father." If the people you're with are too stupid to follow the movie themselves, or they happen to like pop-up video style trivia, then maybe you should wait until it comes out on DVD.
4. Relatedly, don't keep asking questions about the movie. Just watch it. Your questions will be answered, and this way no one has to miss any of the storyline. Including me, who happens to be sitting behind you.
5. People being attractive and doing the things attractive people are prone to do (like existing, or walking, or breathing) isn't funny. There is no reason to giggle and poke your friends and giggle some more because you have that guy's picture next to your bed.
6. Unless you are a doctor, a fireman, a policeman, or God, there is no reason for your phone to ring. If you're that important, put it on vibrate. If it does ring, hit ignore and shut it off. Do not answer it. If you have to answer it, it takes about ten seconds to get out the door and into the lobby where you can chat all you want. But don't answer it WHILE THE MOVIE IS ON.
7. Don't bitch about commericals or movie trailers. What did you think they were going to put on before the movie? They don't do cartoons anymore.
8. Relatedly, don't whine because you missed them. Most of the movies they have trailers for aren't coming out until next year at the very earliest, and that's plenty of time for you to hear about them from some other source.
9. Don't complain that they changed things from the source material. Yes, they do that. It's called artistic license. It's God-awful and annoying as hell when Hermione's wearing some hideous bunch of cotton candy ruffles instead of floaty periwinkle blue, but the director can't hear you. As soon as the credits start rolling, you can stand on top of your chair and scream about it all you want for all I care, but right now? Shut up.
10. There's plenty of room between the rows for your feet. If you happen to be six feet tall, there are rows without seats in front of them for you. But don't sit behind me and kick my chair to the tune of the Harry Potter soundtrack, or to imitate the cannon balls in Pirates of the Caribbean, or for whatever the hell reason you're kicking my chair.
11. Don't take small children to a PG-13 movie and get surprised when they start crying because Harry got beat up by scary bald Voldemort, or because they have bladders the size of a fingernail and they have to pee RIGHT NOW, or because it's been two hours and all dialogue and Junior's ten-minute attention span was up 140 minutes ago, or because it's been 30 minutes since little Sally finished her Skittles and she wants another bag NOW, or because that popcorn was salty and they are THIRRRRRRSTY, or because one of them has lost some toy under the seats and wants it NOW, not when the movie ends and the lights go up and I am 5 miles away from your annoying asses. Seriously.
12. Don't sing along with the soundtrack, or say the dialogue with the actors. I don't care if you've seen this movie five times, there is no reason for me or anyone to hear an echo after each line. Or your stellar American Idol-reject vocals. Don't whistle, either.
13. Bring a sweater. Don't spend the next 2 hours and 15 minutes telling everyone how cold you are.
14. Yes, the seats and the floors are sticky. Yes, you might reach between your seat and feel something round that may be a Skittle or some popcorn or an eyeball. Don't pull it up and examine it and say EWWW and tell everyone. We all know the seats are sticky and there's some weird stuff down there. We don't need you to prove it.
15. Decide who wants to sit next to who while the commercials or trailers are still on. Don't get up six times and switch seats in the middle of Dumbledore's speech and argue over who gets to sit in the sticky chair.
16. If you have to imitate the PG-13 scenes- and you know which ones I'm talking about- sit in the back row. Don't kiss each other's necks in front of me while I'm trying to concentrate on the movie. I don't need to see or hear that.
17. It's only +/- 3 hours of your life. You'll survive without text messaging, talking, eating large quantities of food, sucking on the straw even though there's no soda left and hasn't been since the trailers were over, or anything else that seems so urgent that you have to do it RIGHT NOW instead of after the credits roll.
18. If you have to go to the bathroom, go. Don't sit and debate over whether or not you should with the person next to you for five minutes. Just go. Or don't.
19. Clean up after yourself. I'm not asking you to pick up the popcorn you dropped or catch all the Skittles that fell out of the bag. I am asking you to at least take the empty bags and cups with you before you leave.
20. Here's a corollary to number 1: If there are lots of empty seats, don't sit next to strangers. Let's all have some personal space.
I know it sounds like I had a horrible time tonight, but I actually didn't. I had a nice time seeing a movie today. But it did get me thinking about the times when it's not so great...
Anyone have any suggestions?
-3:54 AM