it's all the good that won't come out of me and how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust...
i'm feeling pretty awful this morning. it's the second day of work this week and i barely convinced myself to get out of bed both yesterday and today. i do this thing where i waste a lot of time when i get home from work.. then i try to cram all the stuff i wanted to do into the last hour or so.. inevitably fail.. and then stay up till at least 1 am doing all kinds of stuff. then i wake up at 7 am and i want to die. i hit the snooze button like 4 times and i yell at alice, who doubles as my alarm clock. this morning i tried to ignore her by rolling on my stomach and burying my face into the pillow. she just stood on my back and meowed in my ear. i put her on the floor, she got back up and did it again. apparently alice wants me to go to work more than i do. this is the worst cycle ever because it makes me feel like hell all day long and i accomplish nothing at work. that's why i resolved to change this cycle for the new year.. so far with no luck at all. it is something that i seriously want to change though. i feel like it would improve so much about my daily life if i just got some decent rest.
currently i'm drinking a very large cup of coffee in an effort to feel better and have a productive day. the coffee situation in my building is frustrating. we have free starbucks in our office pantry in this fancy machine that grinds up the beans and brews your coffee per cup. you can get a light, bold, or mix coffee.. regular sizes. the problem is that starbucks coffee tastes like ass. i'm not just saying that because i've worked for 2 of their competitors.. it's totally bitter and nasty. i tried to drink it for awhile because it's free, but it pretty much made me want to die. then i tried to stop drinking coffee entirely but that didn't work out either. that leaves me with the option of buying coffee downstairs. downstairs in our building there are several shops, two of which being a convenience store which sells green mountain coffee, and another starbucks. i should also note that directly outside of our building is another starbucks. in case you didn't think i had enough starbucks available, rest assured, it is constantly crammed down my throat. so if i'm going to buy coffee, i will either buy the green mountain coffee, which is nothing special, but it tastes like coffee and not ass... or try to forget how annoying starbucks is and go get a latte. the good thing about a latte is that the espresso, which probably also tastes like ass, is pretty well masked by steamed milk and flavors. the bad thing is it's ridiculously expensive at starbucks, and i have to stand in a long line and be irritated. naturally i tend to want green mountain, which tastes alright and is pretty cheap for a big coffee. unfortunately the convenience store won't take credit or debit, and i never carry cash. so buying their coffee means commiting to taking $21.50 out of my checking account, which i hate to do. but today i did it because i was desperate. so far it doesn't seem to have helped me do anything but mope around and write about it.
i feel like we have so much more to do for the wedding and it's a little overwhelming. i keep putting some of it off because all the phone calls are exhausting. i think i am the only bride who ordered a dress without ever going into a salon. but i knew i wouldn't be able to take all the fussing and staring and pressure to buy something. i keep getting this sense that we are paying all kinds of money to different companies to take care of some aspect of our wedding, and yet they kind of expect us to leave them alone and just let them do whatever they want. whenever i call or e-mail someone like the caterer, the dressmaker, or the florist, i keep feeling like i'm being brushed off.. as if the fact that they've been in their field for so long is supposed to make me devoid of opinions about how our day should be. they might all look the same to them, but i want our ceremony to be our own and not a carbon copy of everybody else's. i really don't feel like i'm being a bridezilla just because i have lots of questions and ideas about the ceremony/reception. those who know me understand that i'm very quiet, that i have ridiculous social anxiety, and i am not at all bossy or even assertive. so i'm not really sure why all the resistance to my involvement with these vendors. lately i just ask brian to make most of the calls because somehow the groom calling a vendor seems to mean business. i think it might be because often times the bride does most of the planning and grooms are expected to take a "yes, dear" stance. so maybe when brian calls, these people think something big is going on.. like he's calling to yell at them or something. who knows?
i think that wedding planning should be a time for serious consideration of whether or not a couple should be married. it seems a little late in the game to decide this, but i think you may not know as much as you think about your future husband/wife until you plan your commitment ceremony together. lucky for me, planning our wedding has just reaffirmed for me how great a couple we are. we are both very involved in decision making and have been completely in sync as far as what we want. even though the whole thing can be frustrating, we've had fun together coming up with creative ideas and such. but i have heard some horror stories from some couples in which one person pulled way more weight.. they wanted opposite things.. the disagreements were just fierce.. etc. and i tend to think that those people should never have gotten married. of course i'm wrong sometimes, and it's probably true that the stress gets the best of people and is not a reflection of how their marriage will be. but with all the work and stress that goes into planning a future together, i think that working on this somewhat smaller task could be an indicator of how a marriage will go.
of course i'm mostly talking out of my ass.
i get my wisdom teeth out this friday and i'm terrified. everyone who has had it done seems to have their own advice. i'm hearing a lot about tea bags and ice packs. people say it's minor and i'll be fine, and then in the same breath tell me about their own bad experiences. i'm especially afraid because brian will be out of town all weekend. he always makes me feel better, and i especially need someone to comfort me at this time. i'm worried that i won't be able to eat or make the pain go away or it'll get infected. also i know for a fact that the cats will be jerks, as they always are when brian is away. i'm super worried and freaked out... which is why i put this off so long. i was supposed to get my teeth out in august, but here we are.. 5 months later. luckily they didn't grow in yet. i think maybe i should talk a co-worker into coming by to make sure i'm not curled up in a ball dying somewhere this weekend. yes, i know i'm dramatic.
well... i have to get back to that whole earning a living thing.
currently i'm drinking a very large cup of coffee in an effort to feel better and have a productive day. the coffee situation in my building is frustrating. we have free starbucks in our office pantry in this fancy machine that grinds up the beans and brews your coffee per cup. you can get a light, bold, or mix coffee.. regular sizes. the problem is that starbucks coffee tastes like ass. i'm not just saying that because i've worked for 2 of their competitors.. it's totally bitter and nasty. i tried to drink it for awhile because it's free, but it pretty much made me want to die. then i tried to stop drinking coffee entirely but that didn't work out either. that leaves me with the option of buying coffee downstairs. downstairs in our building there are several shops, two of which being a convenience store which sells green mountain coffee, and another starbucks. i should also note that directly outside of our building is another starbucks. in case you didn't think i had enough starbucks available, rest assured, it is constantly crammed down my throat. so if i'm going to buy coffee, i will either buy the green mountain coffee, which is nothing special, but it tastes like coffee and not ass... or try to forget how annoying starbucks is and go get a latte. the good thing about a latte is that the espresso, which probably also tastes like ass, is pretty well masked by steamed milk and flavors. the bad thing is it's ridiculously expensive at starbucks, and i have to stand in a long line and be irritated. naturally i tend to want green mountain, which tastes alright and is pretty cheap for a big coffee. unfortunately the convenience store won't take credit or debit, and i never carry cash. so buying their coffee means commiting to taking $21.50 out of my checking account, which i hate to do. but today i did it because i was desperate. so far it doesn't seem to have helped me do anything but mope around and write about it.
i feel like we have so much more to do for the wedding and it's a little overwhelming. i keep putting some of it off because all the phone calls are exhausting. i think i am the only bride who ordered a dress without ever going into a salon. but i knew i wouldn't be able to take all the fussing and staring and pressure to buy something. i keep getting this sense that we are paying all kinds of money to different companies to take care of some aspect of our wedding, and yet they kind of expect us to leave them alone and just let them do whatever they want. whenever i call or e-mail someone like the caterer, the dressmaker, or the florist, i keep feeling like i'm being brushed off.. as if the fact that they've been in their field for so long is supposed to make me devoid of opinions about how our day should be. they might all look the same to them, but i want our ceremony to be our own and not a carbon copy of everybody else's. i really don't feel like i'm being a bridezilla just because i have lots of questions and ideas about the ceremony/reception. those who know me understand that i'm very quiet, that i have ridiculous social anxiety, and i am not at all bossy or even assertive. so i'm not really sure why all the resistance to my involvement with these vendors. lately i just ask brian to make most of the calls because somehow the groom calling a vendor seems to mean business. i think it might be because often times the bride does most of the planning and grooms are expected to take a "yes, dear" stance. so maybe when brian calls, these people think something big is going on.. like he's calling to yell at them or something. who knows?
i think that wedding planning should be a time for serious consideration of whether or not a couple should be married. it seems a little late in the game to decide this, but i think you may not know as much as you think about your future husband/wife until you plan your commitment ceremony together. lucky for me, planning our wedding has just reaffirmed for me how great a couple we are. we are both very involved in decision making and have been completely in sync as far as what we want. even though the whole thing can be frustrating, we've had fun together coming up with creative ideas and such. but i have heard some horror stories from some couples in which one person pulled way more weight.. they wanted opposite things.. the disagreements were just fierce.. etc. and i tend to think that those people should never have gotten married. of course i'm wrong sometimes, and it's probably true that the stress gets the best of people and is not a reflection of how their marriage will be. but with all the work and stress that goes into planning a future together, i think that working on this somewhat smaller task could be an indicator of how a marriage will go.
of course i'm mostly talking out of my ass.
i get my wisdom teeth out this friday and i'm terrified. everyone who has had it done seems to have their own advice. i'm hearing a lot about tea bags and ice packs. people say it's minor and i'll be fine, and then in the same breath tell me about their own bad experiences. i'm especially afraid because brian will be out of town all weekend. he always makes me feel better, and i especially need someone to comfort me at this time. i'm worried that i won't be able to eat or make the pain go away or it'll get infected. also i know for a fact that the cats will be jerks, as they always are when brian is away. i'm super worried and freaked out... which is why i put this off so long. i was supposed to get my teeth out in august, but here we are.. 5 months later. luckily they didn't grow in yet. i think maybe i should talk a co-worker into coming by to make sure i'm not curled up in a ball dying somewhere this weekend. yes, i know i'm dramatic.
well... i have to get back to that whole earning a living thing.