Relax, release
Here is a short Ravy piece I've been working on. I'm currently diddling around with the second half and have been for a few days, but I thought I'd put up the first part in the meantime to see what everyone's reaction was. Now, this part isn't really that dark, but there are moments that hint that darkness is definitely where this is going to go. It is also going to be unbelievably smutty in the next part. Hopefully there were enough hints of that...
I'm personally of the opinion that Ivy really just needs to relax an release, and maybe, just maybe, do a little taking. While I do think tortured-holding-back-for-the-sake-of-my-love-for-you!Ivy is dreamy, I am also getting pretty frustrated with her. I want her to finally take what she deserves, and if it gets a little dark well, I hear the ginger woman she will be taking on is a danger whore, so it can't end that bad right?
So, with that mini rant/explanation here is part one of Relax, release
Warnings: none really, yet...
Rating: PG-13
“You shouldn't forgive me so easily Ivy, it feels wrong.” Ivy sighed noisily betraying her increasing frustration, but even with that knowledge I couldn't back off. It was just as I said, I couldn't let Ivy forgive me so easily yet again. There was this hurt in my heart and I wanted it to go away, I needed it to go away, and the only way it would was if Ivy forgave me properly. As far as what constituted 'properly' I couldn't quite figure out, but her just brushing away my newest transgression wasn't it, I was sure. For the past couple of months the heaviness in my chest had been building. At first it seemed only like simple awareness for when I hurt her. Like perhaps I was starting to be a bit more perceptive as to how my words and actions affected my roommate, but very quickly it went beyond that. It started feeling like this iron lump was gathering in my heart, a pound being added for every stupid thing I did until this pressure was strangling me. I suppose it was guilt finally outgrowing the little space I gave it in my mind, and taking physical form in my body.
“It's fine Rachel,” Ivy breathed out, spinning around lightning fast, halting my steps to follow her into the living room. Her speed made me flinch instinctively, but I held my ground, refusing to back away like she was hoping I would. Her posture was tense, her eyes dark, but still brown, and it wasn't hard to realize I was pushing my luck. Ivy had impressive control - she knew that, I knew that - but it wouldn't last forever. Her posture hadn't quite hit defensive though, that's how I knew it was still okay to push. That sounded terrible, but I knew Ivy would tolerate me until the last stage where she had to fight not only me, but herself as well. That was her defensive stage, her vulnerable stage, and I knew that was where I would win. Again that sounded terrible, but it really was Ivy's only weakness. The only way I had a fighting chance to convince her of anything was if I pushed things to that stage. Which was dangerous. But it was Ivy, she would let me win right?
“No it's not,” I shot back, my voice a little breathier than I wanted. While my heart knew I was in no danger, it was much harder to convince my mind and body, which were beginning to quiver. Ivy's eyes darkened a little more as she noticed my increasing fear, but her face also tightened. Just as my heart and body were at war with each other, hers were as well. Her body was craving my fear like a heady wine, but her heart was breaking with it. My eyes flickered closed as my guilt increased. Here I was desperately trying to apologize and pay for my mistake, but instead I was just making more mistakes and hurting Ivy more. Couldn't things go right for once?
“I'm sorry,” I stammered, opening my eyes again to look at her rapidly darkening ones, but before I could continue she was gone. She retreated further into the living room, leaving me in the hall alone. It was her defensive tactic. She had finally hit that last stage, and faster than I had anticipated. At this point, with my barely there plan derailed I ought to have given up, retreated just as Ivy did. As Ivy wanted me to. I hesitated, caught between wanting to acquiesce to her desire, and my own burning instinct to follow. Eventually I decided to follow, but I didn't just charge in the room as I normally did. I slowly walked through the threshold, needing to actually follow through with the conversation, but trying to acknowledge Ivy's needs as well. Charging in was what I usually did, and it usually led to me making even more mistakes to hurt the vampire, and for once I was desperately trying to apologize and make up for my mistakes.
The room was somewhat darker than the kitchen and the hall with none of the lights on in the falling afternoon, and in her leathers Ivy looked like a breathing shadow. Intense and silent. Ivy watched me approach, her face a mixture of exasperation and surprise. I suppose she was expecting me to rush in and step on her toes as I normally did, and while her surprise at me acting responsibly chafed, I couldn't blame her at all. I slowly inched into the room, testing the waters so to speak, and to my relief Ivy seemed to slowly adjust to my presence and didn't flee again. I stopped so we were a safe distance from each other, or rather, I was at a safe distance from her. It wasn't that I was afraid, but right at that moment I knew she needed her space, especially if I was about to push her again.
“Ivy.” I sighed out her name but paused, I didn't know what to say after that. I suddenly realized I was being selfish again; surprise, surprise. Here I was trying to delude myself it was about Ivy needing to forgive me, when it was me who was trying to force the issue. Ivy didn't need it, or maybe she did, but certainly not as much as me.
“I'm selfish Ivy.” I wasn't sure where the words came from, but they were true, and I just let them flow. I was never a thinker like Ivy, but my words were my words, and I prided myself on their honesty. So while I didn't know where I was going, I knew at the very least they were the truth.
Ivy's mouth dropped a little at my words, her startled face pulling a smile from somewhere within me despite the aching hurt I felt in my heart. She was standing by the window, her back ramrod straight, betraying her emotions even as she tried to school her features blank again. As I fell silent once more she shifted slightly towards me, the closest I would get to her saying my presence was okay. She wanted her space to control her rising instincts, but it seemed she would tolerate me a little longer. She stayed quiet, not responding to me and I took a deep breath. It was all on me to explain, and fast.
“I do so many things to hurt you,” I stated matter-of-factly. Ivy didn't speak or even nod, but neither of us needed her confirmation to know what I said was true. “I need you to forgive me. Really forgive me, not just brush it off.”
“How am I supposed to forgive you?” Ivy finally shot back, a slight edge of anger in her voice taking me aback. I looked at her helplessly, not having any kind of answer. My silence seemed to just egg on her mounting frustration and she stalked towards me, her lean frame exuding her predatory nature. I froze, desperately trying to hold myself from fleeing, my heart hammering in my chest as she crowded me. Her eyes were nearly engulfed in black, and as she stared at me accusingly I could see the slightest bit of fang between her parted lips. At once my heart and body clenched in a confusing conglomeration of fear and desire. Ivy's nose flared, and what little brown left in her irises fled.
“Ivy,” I started to say, but was quieted by the flash of Ivy's eyes, though the brown returned to them, and the sharp edge of Ivy's voice
“Rachel, stop. It's fine. I forgive you. Now, let me go to my room.” Once more I was impressed by her control. For a second she was on a razors edge, barely restraining her anger, but she pulled back once more for me. The small bit of anger in her voice was carefully packaged away, and once more she leashed herself for me.
Once more for me. I think I could sum up Ivy's interactions with me with that one phrase. And while the words she finally said to me were essentially what I wanted to hear from her, but they were lacking the weight behind them. It wasn't that Ivy was lying, but that I didn't deserve them yet. I understood a little more suddenly about what was going on in my heart. It wasn't the words of forgiveness I needed, but I needed to be deserving of her forgiveness. But going back to her question, how was I supposed to do that? An idea came to me, and while it made my heart lift with the possibility of absolution, it made me tremble a bit in fear. Ivy instantly sensed my fear and tensed. I was pushing her again, but this time I didn't want to stop. I wanted to push her more.
“No.” My voice was low and throaty, and she couldn't help but react. At this point I had chased her for quite a bit around the house, antagonizing her, refuting her, and generally refusing to leave her alone; if anything I was shocked at just how much I had to push to get Ivy to this point. Not that I could really focus on how remarkable her control was at the moment. She lunged and I gasped. Suddenly she was pressing me against the hallway wall, controlling me with her body. Her hands shot out to grab my wrists, and as I fought to contain another gasp she had them pinned over my head. I didn't fight her dominating grip at all, if anything I let myself sink into it. Ivy let out the smallest of groans at my acceptance and I felt my body clench again. At this point I couldn't tell if it was fear, desire, or whatever - I just let the 'why' go and let myself feel.
“No?” she repeated back to me, an eyebrow raising, pinning me with her darkly inquisitive glare.
“I need you to really forgive me.” I knew I sounded like a broken record, but with her pressed so close to me, surrounding me in her scent and presence, it was hard to be eloquent. It was hard to do more than shiver and bare my neck.
“How?” With that one word I felt tears rise to my eyes. I could hear the pain, and a little bit something else, in my dear roommates voice, layered from every stupid thing I had ever done to her. I could pretty much see the wounds I had inflicted upon her over the years, and it made me want to follow through with my half ass plan even more. Perhaps I was being selfish in pushing for her forgiveness, but just maybe she needed this too. Perhaps the heaviness I was starting to feel was in her too, but instead of it being guilt, like in me, it was hate. After all, how could one not start to hate the person who inflicted them with so much pain for no real reason? Something was rotting between us, and I wanted the wound split open, cleared, cauterized, and I was willing to take the pain of that just to let us heal. I wanted us to heal.
“Punish me.” I said the words quietly, but even if I had tried to whisper as quietly as I could, Ivy would hear me clearly. Her eyes flashed, and for one small moment I thought Ivy would be at my neck, I wouldn't blame her, but once more I underestimated her control. Instead of losing control she desperately hung on to it, and flung herself as far away from me as she could. My arms bonelessly dropped to my side as she retreated against the counter in the kitchen. With shaking limbs I followed her. I had decided on this track of action, and I was going to follow through with it damn it.
“Rachel, stop,” Ivy's voice sounded pained, and her posture reflected that too, but I wouldn't be deterred. There was an edge of wildness in her voice that I hadn't heard in years. It reminded me of when we first moved in together, her voice as she crawled up on that coffee table, before she had so much restraint towards me. Ivy had been healthier in a way back then. While she had less control, she was in a sense more free with herself. She hadn't felt like a chained up monster until I had started to chain her up. Now I wanted to free her, and I wanted her to turn on me like I deserved.
“Add it to the list of things I'm about to pay for,” I said blithely, my quaking starting to subside. Now that I knew what actions to take my confidence was coming back. I wasn't so sure if this was the best plan, I wasn't so sure if the consequences were the ones I wanted, but it was action, and that I could do.
“Rachel.” Ivy's voice was a growl now. A low and dangerous growl, but still I came closer until I was a breath behind her tense form. Yes, here it was, the point of no return. My heart was beating off rhythm, and my breath was hitching as well, but then again, I wasn't so sure what 'normal' was anymore.
“Punish me,” I repeated, not moving any closer, but knowing I didn't need to. I was within her personal space, crowding her with my scent, “please. I need to deserve-” My words cut off abruptly as Ivy spun around and clamped a hand around my neck. Her grip was hard, enough to possibly bruise, but it didn't matter. At the slight pain, the tightness strangling my heart eased in response. But only as slightly as the pain hurt. That was what I wanted. This was how it was going to work.
“You want to be punished Rachel?” Ivy's tone reminded me of a hangman's noose, if a hangman's noose was ever made of silk. “Well fine then. I'll punish you.” It was full of danger, promise, and inevitability. We were both rushing to an end, and as a hangman's noose set a criminal free, I was hoping Ivy would set me free.
I'm personally of the opinion that Ivy really just needs to relax an release, and maybe, just maybe, do a little taking. While I do think tortured-holding-back-for-the-sake-of-my-love-for-you!Ivy is dreamy, I am also getting pretty frustrated with her. I want her to finally take what she deserves, and if it gets a little dark well, I hear the ginger woman she will be taking on is a danger whore, so it can't end that bad right?
So, with that mini rant/explanation here is part one of Relax, release
Warnings: none really, yet...
Rating: PG-13
“You shouldn't forgive me so easily Ivy, it feels wrong.” Ivy sighed noisily betraying her increasing frustration, but even with that knowledge I couldn't back off. It was just as I said, I couldn't let Ivy forgive me so easily yet again. There was this hurt in my heart and I wanted it to go away, I needed it to go away, and the only way it would was if Ivy forgave me properly. As far as what constituted 'properly' I couldn't quite figure out, but her just brushing away my newest transgression wasn't it, I was sure. For the past couple of months the heaviness in my chest had been building. At first it seemed only like simple awareness for when I hurt her. Like perhaps I was starting to be a bit more perceptive as to how my words and actions affected my roommate, but very quickly it went beyond that. It started feeling like this iron lump was gathering in my heart, a pound being added for every stupid thing I did until this pressure was strangling me. I suppose it was guilt finally outgrowing the little space I gave it in my mind, and taking physical form in my body.
“It's fine Rachel,” Ivy breathed out, spinning around lightning fast, halting my steps to follow her into the living room. Her speed made me flinch instinctively, but I held my ground, refusing to back away like she was hoping I would. Her posture was tense, her eyes dark, but still brown, and it wasn't hard to realize I was pushing my luck. Ivy had impressive control - she knew that, I knew that - but it wouldn't last forever. Her posture hadn't quite hit defensive though, that's how I knew it was still okay to push. That sounded terrible, but I knew Ivy would tolerate me until the last stage where she had to fight not only me, but herself as well. That was her defensive stage, her vulnerable stage, and I knew that was where I would win. Again that sounded terrible, but it really was Ivy's only weakness. The only way I had a fighting chance to convince her of anything was if I pushed things to that stage. Which was dangerous. But it was Ivy, she would let me win right?
“No it's not,” I shot back, my voice a little breathier than I wanted. While my heart knew I was in no danger, it was much harder to convince my mind and body, which were beginning to quiver. Ivy's eyes darkened a little more as she noticed my increasing fear, but her face also tightened. Just as my heart and body were at war with each other, hers were as well. Her body was craving my fear like a heady wine, but her heart was breaking with it. My eyes flickered closed as my guilt increased. Here I was desperately trying to apologize and pay for my mistake, but instead I was just making more mistakes and hurting Ivy more. Couldn't things go right for once?
“I'm sorry,” I stammered, opening my eyes again to look at her rapidly darkening ones, but before I could continue she was gone. She retreated further into the living room, leaving me in the hall alone. It was her defensive tactic. She had finally hit that last stage, and faster than I had anticipated. At this point, with my barely there plan derailed I ought to have given up, retreated just as Ivy did. As Ivy wanted me to. I hesitated, caught between wanting to acquiesce to her desire, and my own burning instinct to follow. Eventually I decided to follow, but I didn't just charge in the room as I normally did. I slowly walked through the threshold, needing to actually follow through with the conversation, but trying to acknowledge Ivy's needs as well. Charging in was what I usually did, and it usually led to me making even more mistakes to hurt the vampire, and for once I was desperately trying to apologize and make up for my mistakes.
The room was somewhat darker than the kitchen and the hall with none of the lights on in the falling afternoon, and in her leathers Ivy looked like a breathing shadow. Intense and silent. Ivy watched me approach, her face a mixture of exasperation and surprise. I suppose she was expecting me to rush in and step on her toes as I normally did, and while her surprise at me acting responsibly chafed, I couldn't blame her at all. I slowly inched into the room, testing the waters so to speak, and to my relief Ivy seemed to slowly adjust to my presence and didn't flee again. I stopped so we were a safe distance from each other, or rather, I was at a safe distance from her. It wasn't that I was afraid, but right at that moment I knew she needed her space, especially if I was about to push her again.
“Ivy.” I sighed out her name but paused, I didn't know what to say after that. I suddenly realized I was being selfish again; surprise, surprise. Here I was trying to delude myself it was about Ivy needing to forgive me, when it was me who was trying to force the issue. Ivy didn't need it, or maybe she did, but certainly not as much as me.
“I'm selfish Ivy.” I wasn't sure where the words came from, but they were true, and I just let them flow. I was never a thinker like Ivy, but my words were my words, and I prided myself on their honesty. So while I didn't know where I was going, I knew at the very least they were the truth.
Ivy's mouth dropped a little at my words, her startled face pulling a smile from somewhere within me despite the aching hurt I felt in my heart. She was standing by the window, her back ramrod straight, betraying her emotions even as she tried to school her features blank again. As I fell silent once more she shifted slightly towards me, the closest I would get to her saying my presence was okay. She wanted her space to control her rising instincts, but it seemed she would tolerate me a little longer. She stayed quiet, not responding to me and I took a deep breath. It was all on me to explain, and fast.
“I do so many things to hurt you,” I stated matter-of-factly. Ivy didn't speak or even nod, but neither of us needed her confirmation to know what I said was true. “I need you to forgive me. Really forgive me, not just brush it off.”
“How am I supposed to forgive you?” Ivy finally shot back, a slight edge of anger in her voice taking me aback. I looked at her helplessly, not having any kind of answer. My silence seemed to just egg on her mounting frustration and she stalked towards me, her lean frame exuding her predatory nature. I froze, desperately trying to hold myself from fleeing, my heart hammering in my chest as she crowded me. Her eyes were nearly engulfed in black, and as she stared at me accusingly I could see the slightest bit of fang between her parted lips. At once my heart and body clenched in a confusing conglomeration of fear and desire. Ivy's nose flared, and what little brown left in her irises fled.
“Ivy,” I started to say, but was quieted by the flash of Ivy's eyes, though the brown returned to them, and the sharp edge of Ivy's voice
“Rachel, stop. It's fine. I forgive you. Now, let me go to my room.” Once more I was impressed by her control. For a second she was on a razors edge, barely restraining her anger, but she pulled back once more for me. The small bit of anger in her voice was carefully packaged away, and once more she leashed herself for me.
Once more for me. I think I could sum up Ivy's interactions with me with that one phrase. And while the words she finally said to me were essentially what I wanted to hear from her, but they were lacking the weight behind them. It wasn't that Ivy was lying, but that I didn't deserve them yet. I understood a little more suddenly about what was going on in my heart. It wasn't the words of forgiveness I needed, but I needed to be deserving of her forgiveness. But going back to her question, how was I supposed to do that? An idea came to me, and while it made my heart lift with the possibility of absolution, it made me tremble a bit in fear. Ivy instantly sensed my fear and tensed. I was pushing her again, but this time I didn't want to stop. I wanted to push her more.
“No.” My voice was low and throaty, and she couldn't help but react. At this point I had chased her for quite a bit around the house, antagonizing her, refuting her, and generally refusing to leave her alone; if anything I was shocked at just how much I had to push to get Ivy to this point. Not that I could really focus on how remarkable her control was at the moment. She lunged and I gasped. Suddenly she was pressing me against the hallway wall, controlling me with her body. Her hands shot out to grab my wrists, and as I fought to contain another gasp she had them pinned over my head. I didn't fight her dominating grip at all, if anything I let myself sink into it. Ivy let out the smallest of groans at my acceptance and I felt my body clench again. At this point I couldn't tell if it was fear, desire, or whatever - I just let the 'why' go and let myself feel.
“No?” she repeated back to me, an eyebrow raising, pinning me with her darkly inquisitive glare.
“I need you to really forgive me.” I knew I sounded like a broken record, but with her pressed so close to me, surrounding me in her scent and presence, it was hard to be eloquent. It was hard to do more than shiver and bare my neck.
“How?” With that one word I felt tears rise to my eyes. I could hear the pain, and a little bit something else, in my dear roommates voice, layered from every stupid thing I had ever done to her. I could pretty much see the wounds I had inflicted upon her over the years, and it made me want to follow through with my half ass plan even more. Perhaps I was being selfish in pushing for her forgiveness, but just maybe she needed this too. Perhaps the heaviness I was starting to feel was in her too, but instead of it being guilt, like in me, it was hate. After all, how could one not start to hate the person who inflicted them with so much pain for no real reason? Something was rotting between us, and I wanted the wound split open, cleared, cauterized, and I was willing to take the pain of that just to let us heal. I wanted us to heal.
“Punish me.” I said the words quietly, but even if I had tried to whisper as quietly as I could, Ivy would hear me clearly. Her eyes flashed, and for one small moment I thought Ivy would be at my neck, I wouldn't blame her, but once more I underestimated her control. Instead of losing control she desperately hung on to it, and flung herself as far away from me as she could. My arms bonelessly dropped to my side as she retreated against the counter in the kitchen. With shaking limbs I followed her. I had decided on this track of action, and I was going to follow through with it damn it.
“Rachel, stop,” Ivy's voice sounded pained, and her posture reflected that too, but I wouldn't be deterred. There was an edge of wildness in her voice that I hadn't heard in years. It reminded me of when we first moved in together, her voice as she crawled up on that coffee table, before she had so much restraint towards me. Ivy had been healthier in a way back then. While she had less control, she was in a sense more free with herself. She hadn't felt like a chained up monster until I had started to chain her up. Now I wanted to free her, and I wanted her to turn on me like I deserved.
“Add it to the list of things I'm about to pay for,” I said blithely, my quaking starting to subside. Now that I knew what actions to take my confidence was coming back. I wasn't so sure if this was the best plan, I wasn't so sure if the consequences were the ones I wanted, but it was action, and that I could do.
“Rachel.” Ivy's voice was a growl now. A low and dangerous growl, but still I came closer until I was a breath behind her tense form. Yes, here it was, the point of no return. My heart was beating off rhythm, and my breath was hitching as well, but then again, I wasn't so sure what 'normal' was anymore.
“Punish me,” I repeated, not moving any closer, but knowing I didn't need to. I was within her personal space, crowding her with my scent, “please. I need to deserve-” My words cut off abruptly as Ivy spun around and clamped a hand around my neck. Her grip was hard, enough to possibly bruise, but it didn't matter. At the slight pain, the tightness strangling my heart eased in response. But only as slightly as the pain hurt. That was what I wanted. This was how it was going to work.
“You want to be punished Rachel?” Ivy's tone reminded me of a hangman's noose, if a hangman's noose was ever made of silk. “Well fine then. I'll punish you.” It was full of danger, promise, and inevitability. We were both rushing to an end, and as a hangman's noose set a criminal free, I was hoping Ivy would set me free.