I've suddenly realized...
I've gone nowhere this summer. I don't mean physically. I've been places. I've been to Orlando, I've been to the beach... I have been places. But my life hasn't really gone anywhere at all. I came back from Rome at the beginning of May and it's almost like I had been rushing down a river and then I popped out into a pool of completely still water. It's quiet and mostly peaceful, but too hot and one doesn't mind the heat but wants some movement too... Most of the summer... well I'm not sure it has been the greatest summer ever. I s'pose it started out okay but it seemed to kind of go down after I got back from FL. I image that is partly because of certain health problems, but right now they've all settled down for the moment. Regardless I have been anxious a lot. I don't really feel like I've been able to entirely relax and enjoy my summer, my free time. I don't think free time is really all that I want anymore. Even just a part-time job didn't do it. I barely work and I really need to work more. I need to be more productive but not just oh I earned money, yay! The thing is that, whether I want to or not, I am growing up and kind of have to, so I might as well do it. This summer has not contributed at all to that... goal/process. I didn't make enough money to feel able to contribute to bills that I incur on my parents and still stay at the same cash level of security in my account that I like. And sometimes I wonder if I had offered they would've accepted it. I paid for part of my surgery without telling them because if I did, they wouldn't let me, I know. Just the other day my dad wanted to start looking for another computer for me and I simply don't want another computer bought for me. This one I am using is on it's last leg and the usb ports won't function properly but I don't want them to buy me another expensive thing. All I've done this summer is feel anxious and somewhat paralyzed. I need desperately to do something. I've hardly any life at all here. Yes, poem is here but he has this other life of school and a decent amount of work to deal with. as stressful as it can be for him, he is doing something to move forward in that becoming an adult process.
i'm simply tired of being anxious most of the time. it gets in the way of everything and it's not just a button I can push off. Sometimes I wake up and it's there, i can feel my heart beating in my chest and I can't really find a good reason for it at all. the worst part is that between it and my health issues.. a sex life has been... cursory at most. I'd like a real one. I've hardly even wanted to lately and I realize part of it is mostly because of the anxiety and my mental state but i am so very... frustrated with it.
I hope that once I get back to school, everything will fall a little more into place. I need to get back into what I am good at. I need a little more pressure in my life. I need my life back. I have more of a life at OSU than here. I have been more than a little isolated here. back in stillwater I can have friday dinners with my former roommate and spontaneous moments with not the continent asia. I'll exercise more and do stuff. I'll research and procrastinate on it and all that stuff that katie does. I've hardly felt like katie much this summer. I want to feel like katie again. I want to feel that supreme joy that i remember so well from last fall, i want everything to seem like it's going right. maybe God only gives us moments of that feeling, but i would like to feel that security again.
Posting again... I should always try to do it more.
i'm simply tired of being anxious most of the time. it gets in the way of everything and it's not just a button I can push off. Sometimes I wake up and it's there, i can feel my heart beating in my chest and I can't really find a good reason for it at all. the worst part is that between it and my health issues.. a sex life has been... cursory at most. I'd like a real one. I've hardly even wanted to lately and I realize part of it is mostly because of the anxiety and my mental state but i am so very... frustrated with it.
I hope that once I get back to school, everything will fall a little more into place. I need to get back into what I am good at. I need a little more pressure in my life. I need my life back. I have more of a life at OSU than here. I have been more than a little isolated here. back in stillwater I can have friday dinners with my former roommate and spontaneous moments with not the continent asia. I'll exercise more and do stuff. I'll research and procrastinate on it and all that stuff that katie does. I've hardly felt like katie much this summer. I want to feel like katie again. I want to feel that supreme joy that i remember so well from last fall, i want everything to seem like it's going right. maybe God only gives us moments of that feeling, but i would like to feel that security again.
Posting again... I should always try to do it more.