Anxiety
Because I don't know what else to call it. It's this feeling in my chest. I used to get it when I felt like I wasn't doing enough, like I wasn't being productive enough. Like I had too much time and not enough to do. Like I needed something to stress out about. Last time I truly remember feeling this way is when he made me mad about something or some such and when I told myself that I could break up with him and then I wouldn't have to deal with it, I didn't give my usual answer of "that's silly, I don't want to break up with him" I remember that scared the shit out of me. and i know that just after i broke up with him, i felt this way, this odd feeling in my chest. and that wasn't all that long ago, a week and a half or so. it seemed to go away for a bit but now it's all back again. and i can't tell why i feel this way. is it because i broke up with him so little ago? I don't think i should be feeling unproductive because i am on top of things as far as i can tell. i'm almost a little ahead of myself. and i'm taking care of things for class and research and italy. and today when i got back to my room, i didn't feel like doing a damn thing, so i didn't, i just laid in bed, watched tv and dozed off watching the news. it was wonderful.
is it just weird to me that i suddenly have all this time and i just don't know what to do with myself? cuz if i was still with him, i'd be at his place right now, i wouldn't be updating my lj. i don't know what i'd be doing at his place... if he wasn't working.. we what the hell does it matter? that's not my life anymore and i need to stop caring as if it all mattered. i mean it does matter but not in the way i'm making it matter. it's all shit, is what it is. i know i need to not care and not think about him and just go on, but damn its so fucking hard. i miss him or not him but what he was for me.. someone.. to be with, someone to need. i lost a friend and not just a boyfriend and its not exactly easy to deal with. i know it will be okay.. but it's just frustrating... i really need to go to italy... i need to not feel this way is what i need. i need a project, i need to make a shirt or shirts... or something. i just hate this because i don't know if i can really do anything about it. i just want the feeling to go away away away! and i feel tears coming on but i don't want to cry them. i just want to be happy and do my thing and be my person and oh god this is so... irritating and frustrating and i just... i need to learn to be okay with what i have.. gotta want what i have... and be glad of it. and if i want something i need to just do it. and i want to go home. going home will help, because they are there and for some reason there it won't all seem so terrible and i will just be able to rest... i just want rest from this feeling. i know if someone offered, i'd take the joint right now.. or the drink... or the whatever...
sometimes i wish i still talked to poem.. i've wished that a lot lately.. and i suddenly wondered tonight if all that happened between us, the end of it all, was that what he wanted? and sometimes i just miss him...
is it just weird to me that i suddenly have all this time and i just don't know what to do with myself? cuz if i was still with him, i'd be at his place right now, i wouldn't be updating my lj. i don't know what i'd be doing at his place... if he wasn't working.. we what the hell does it matter? that's not my life anymore and i need to stop caring as if it all mattered. i mean it does matter but not in the way i'm making it matter. it's all shit, is what it is. i know i need to not care and not think about him and just go on, but damn its so fucking hard. i miss him or not him but what he was for me.. someone.. to be with, someone to need. i lost a friend and not just a boyfriend and its not exactly easy to deal with. i know it will be okay.. but it's just frustrating... i really need to go to italy... i need to not feel this way is what i need. i need a project, i need to make a shirt or shirts... or something. i just hate this because i don't know if i can really do anything about it. i just want the feeling to go away away away! and i feel tears coming on but i don't want to cry them. i just want to be happy and do my thing and be my person and oh god this is so... irritating and frustrating and i just... i need to learn to be okay with what i have.. gotta want what i have... and be glad of it. and if i want something i need to just do it. and i want to go home. going home will help, because they are there and for some reason there it won't all seem so terrible and i will just be able to rest... i just want rest from this feeling. i know if someone offered, i'd take the joint right now.. or the drink... or the whatever...
sometimes i wish i still talked to poem.. i've wished that a lot lately.. and i suddenly wondered tonight if all that happened between us, the end of it all, was that what he wanted? and sometimes i just miss him...